What kind of agreement or understanding should my wife and I have with my mother before she moves in with us next month?

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My mother is 85 and we are both retired. We want this move to be successful and feel that if all parties have a clear idea of what to expect it would make it more likely to be a successful transition for all involved. Any ideas on what topics should be discussed?

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I see alot of us have mentioned talking to our Mom's or who is going to be living with us......
make sure they can hear literally.... I had to take my motherinlaw to the ENT and we found out she was getting very deaf. She needed a tube put in and hearing aides in both ears. There are days she just doesn't wear them for whatever reason.
If your love one has had a stroke they may not remember your talks or anything for very long.
We take care of Mom's bills and finances she can't do them any more and she trust us completely. We explain things to her but she doesn't have to worry about anything.
I think you can talk about what you want and expect but it may not work or help.
My Motherinlaw is 78 and some days it is like having another child.
I think too it will depend on how active, strong, independent and so on the person moving in with you is on how it will work out or not.
I have realized over the past 10 months that I do not want to live with my daughter or her family. I know how we feel and we try to make Mom feel welcome and comfortable and at time we also feel so stressed. I don't want that with my daughter.
There are no easy answers to having someone live with you no matter what their age. We have had our children come and go. We made jokes that our house is a revolving hotel......
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jeannegibbs yes you are right about having time to yourself for wiggins and his wife. Guess I was just lucky that my mom was able to stay by herself for a night or a weekend. I was also lucky that when she did past it was in the hospital for tests. Because the worst thing I have even have happen to me is finding my dad dead in bed. Yes I took care of him as well. This is something you have to think about as well is when they pass away to be prepared as possible on what to do. Just another thing to think about.
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My Mom lives with my husband and I and is in late stage dementia/alz. She has been here almost 5 years, she cannot walk, eat or drink alone, cannot understand TV, is incontinent , can barely see and we hoyer lift her into bed and her chairs now. Home care CAN be done as long as you have the love in your heart and the strength to keep going, and, get respite. She is never alone, always has a full belly, is immaculate, we sing to her, put music on, and hug and hold her when she is lonely. No nursing home would ever give that. Yes its hard, horribly hard but we are here for her, my husband is proud of me and helps me when he is home. Our adult kids are proud and most of all, I am proud my Mom will never be lonely or scared, dont we all want that? Who wouldnt want to stay in a wonderful safe home with a family environment ? IF anyone thinks a nursing home is better they are sadly mistaken, thats where they fall, cry, get infections, get depressed and no one cares if they dont eat or are sitting in a wet diaper, most of all, they are alone and confused . I feel so bad for people who have to use a NH, even my Moms dr said "home is always best." I may get flack for this but I have always been one to put myself in someone elses shoes and think "what would I want?" I do know my Mom would want to not burden anyone, she had always said that, therefore I hired weekend help and have the best of both worlds, my Mom, and time off with my family. Go for it Wiggins, and like Jeanne said, get help so you wont become frustrated and take it out on her or eachother. I would discuss drawing up a DPOA, and a caregivers contract should she ever need personal care. I think you can ask for like $500 rent, ask SS, they have a set amount thats fair. I do not take rent, but I do use her SS for weekend respite. Best of Luck to you.
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mame4mom already covered this, but I want to call it out, because I see post after post where this is a problem, and it is something I wouldn't necessarily thought of on my own. Preplan respite care! You don't say whether Mother needs caregiving or just a place to live. But it is absolutely essential for you and your wife to have some time to yourself. The more caregiving involved, the more crucial respite time is. Can mother be left on her own for an evening? For a weekend? For a week? If she can now, it is possible that will not always be the case. Figure out ahead of time how that will be handled. And even if you "know" you/she has relatives that you absolutely can "count" on, don't count on them. Have a backup plan in place. Make sure that Mother accepting the fact you will be taking time to yourself is a condition of her moving in. Respite care can be expensive. Plan for that, too.
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It must be next to impossible to care for someone with middle to advanced AD in ones home. Irregardless of assets there has to be an affordable safe place for every person in these circumstances. We are talking about the human condition here and basic human rights. If this can be addressed properly by the compassionate members of your government, the U.S. might remain a good place in which to live. If not I can imagine social anarchy down the road.
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Wiggins, I've read on here WAY too many times, about the promise made to a parent, that the adult kids would NEVER put them in a nursing home or whatever.
Don't get sucked into a promise that you may NOT be able to keep. Make sure at least, that that's up front. Good luck.
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I think Century had a very good point - just who is in charge in your home? Is your mom the kind of person who will understand and abide by the idea that your wife and you make the decisions - that the home is run along the lines you and your wife set out - she is not in charge of anything, she is a guest and does everything possible to be helpful to her daughter-in-law (I'm assuming that most of the "dirty work" will be done by your wife, it usually is). She is not the center of the home, neither you or your wife are servants at her beck and call. And when this no longer works because of her or your health issues, she will cooperate in making other living arrangements. Too often, as you will see on this forum, Mom moves in expecting to basically rule the roost. For your own health and sanity, don't go there ....better that she live under another roof and you and your wife visit, help, whatever, but keep your own lives.
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Its all true its a lot more work then you think my mom has been here going on two years .I have /parkinsons and my husband requires another back surgery next year heres how are day goes 7am get up get ready get mom up at 9am she sits on the potty chair does her business even though she can walk to the bathroom if Im lucky its only pee then clean the potty chair my job the eye drops because of a recent eye infection make her breakfast find a channel she likes on tv Baath after breakfast dress her make lunch clean the house more eye drops put on a movie make tea for her she very picky what she watches do laundry maybe I get a break andd can sit down and write out her bills then 5pm make dinner for us even though she doesnt eat hardly a thing bring her into the family room serve her dinner 7pm back to her room for jeoperdy 8pm brush teeth put diaper on get ready for bed more eye drops move things around in her room for the night take her robe off put her in bed for the night finally sit down on the couch fall a sleep to tired for tv another day comes to a end thats my day problem only child no time for husband are you sure you want this? think about it dont say it will never happen thats what I said
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My husband and I lived with my mom have she had 2 stroke back to back. My dad ask us to move in so I could watch her. I had 1 son that was not even a year old yet and had another son while living with her. We live with her for 9 years yes it was hard at time but easy at others. I would recommend that you and your wife must remember why you are having moving in with you. Is it for her safety. If so I like the 1st two responses you got is talk to her about everything that you guys are doing and expect of her. Now if she has to move in with you do to Alzheimer depending on how advanced it is you may have to wait on tell her big thing so she does not keep asking about them every 5 minutes, or events that are not happen right away. I hope this helps you.
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Don't do it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is harder than you think to have someone live with you 24 hrs 7 days a week.
You hear everything their tv, footsteps to and from the bathroom, closing and openig doors, wandering around the house, you DO NOT have any privacy so your marriage suffers alot...... and you will probably fight more depending on who's mother it is.
If she is unable to cook for herself you will be doing it, if she doesn't drive you will be taking her everywhere, if she can't make Dr appts or handle her meds herself you will become the pharmacist.... and it is alot of responsiblity to make sure you don't mess up.
If she can live somewhere else close by check out those resources....please.
These are my thoughts...... my motherinlaw has lived with us for about 11 years..... we have been married 13.......
Now she has to live with us because she can not live alone, be left alone, not ready for a nursing home...so she is with us.........
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