I'm living with an aging relative who maintains that they don't need help. Any advice?

"Well, Gramma, the best way to stay out of the nursing home is to eat healthy, stay clean, and be careful moving about. If you are doing fine independently, no one could make you go to a care center."

"If we wanted you to die, Gramma, no one would be here trying to help you stay out of nursing homes."

"Nursing homes are very expensive, Gramma, so if we wanted your money we sure wouldn't want you spending it on your own care. All we want is for you to be safe and happy."

Of course, if she also has dementia then reasoning with her may not help at all.

Can GM afford to give money gifts to friends? If not, can you talk to this "friend" and explain that accepting money from her is taking unfair advantage of her? The first time I would not make any accusations ... just assume that this "friend" would want to know the situation. If that doesn't help, mention calling in Adult Protective Services to investigate whether this is exploitation.

Does someone have POA, with responsibility to look after her financial interests?

Jeannegibbs is right on, as usual. Much depends on whether Grandma has dementia. She seems to be showing some signs, however she may be just fearful of aging.

The person she's giving money to concerns me in that he or she may be planting ideas (the family members just want her to die, etc.). I'm hoping someone in the family has POA, but guessing from Grandma's personality that no one does. This is going to be a challenge.

Keep an eye on things as you've been doing. Ask her what she'd like to eat and tell her you'll fix anything she wants. Try some of Jeanne's suggestions and see if she responds to logic. Try to get her to a doctor for a checkup (don't mention mental issues or dementia).

In the end, sadly, there's not always a lot you can do unless you can take legal action against the person she's giving money. You'd need proof of fraud or ill intent for that but keep records if you can just in case.

We are with you, my friend. Please keep checking back so we know how you (and Grandma) are doing.
Carol

Jeanne has covered everything. Stand by to intervene...

First see her doctor. Perhaps a medication might resolve the issues.

We had to wait it out. Fortunately, things went well and she went by ambulance to the hospital. It is much easier to get a relative placed, once they are in the hospital.

Good luck to you and her.

I have just the opposite problem with my dad. 93 and lives alone. So far he takes care of all of his finances. As far as I know, the only one getting money from him is my youngest son, and that's questionable. He's getting a little forgetful, but not really bad enough that I worry. I have POA. I worry that something will happen to him and that he won't be able to pay his bills. I asked if he would do something at the bank so that in his absence, I could write checks to pay his bills. Absolutely not! I can pay my bills! It's almost like he doesn't want to think of being in a position where he won't be as good as he is today. He's still driving, which concerns me. After speaking to his doctor, he gave him a complete physical. He passed with flying colors. I then called DMV. Nope, can't force him to be retested. Unfortunately nothing can be done until something happens. I worry about him, but I worry more about an innocent person that he may hit, and maybe worse, kill. He was an esteemed member of our county. No matter where he goes, he's recognized. He still wears his navy blue suit, white shirt and tie when he goes out of the house. Unfortunately it's the same blue suit. I notice a drop in his hygiene habits and so has his doctor, but the doc says he's fine. He doesn't shower but he washes every day. A haircut every 2 weeks even though he's losing his hair. It looks like a kid chopped the sides off. He never mentions his demise. The only thing he's ever told me is that all is important papers are in a binder and told me where it is. What I've discovered is that dad has become quite the liar, which drives me crazy. 2 years ago when he was 91, he tells me my youngest son came to visit. Wow......he never comes to visit and passes through town twice a day on his way to and from work. Why did he come? Well, I had to sign a divorce paper for him. Huh? He was divorced over a year ago....what paper? Oh, I don't know. Now, I'm upset. Did he leave a copy of the paper with you? No. So, I call my son to ask what his grandfather signed. First thing I was told was it's none of my business. It is because we're talking about my father and he doesn't know what paper you had him sign! Second, do you think I would do anything to hurt him? Well, I hope not and third was "you're a f---n idiot. At that time I hung up. I haven't spoken to him since and I still don't know what paper my dad signed. I've since come to the conclusion that dad didn't want me to know and therefore lied about not knowing what he signed. I guess I'll never know. So, while one person has the parent who thinks everyone can't wait for them to pass, I have the parent who thinks he's invinceable! What the heck do I do? BTW, I'm an only child so I have no siblings to bounce this off of.

Lucysmom, should anything happen to your father that left him unable to manage his finances, your POA will kick in. Check what you need to do to enact it; but the usual form is that you send a copy of your POA documents to his bank - accompanied by whatever documentation your particular legal instrument requires - and they then recognise you as a signatory on his account. Sit easy on that score.

From the sound of it, your father's big mistake was mentioning his grandson's visit at all. In your position, I would assume that your son had asked his grandfather to keep the business confidential, and, having opened his mouth and put his foot in it, your father was then forced to wriggle his way inelegantly out of the conversation. I don't blame you for being worried, but I wouldn't make any more of it than that.

I do understand how stressful it is to be the one who has to 'only stand and wait.' Keep a close eye: it's all you can do. Remember that the more you press him to accept help, the more he'll resist, to the point where it really is counterproductive. Just keep all offers open, and with luck he'll give in gracefully, little by little.

Are you also upset about relations with your youngest son? Can your other children help you with that?

Thank you Countrymouse. I believe you hit the nail on the head with the paper signing. As for my youngest son, he was the son my father never had. Even though I had 2 older boys, he favored the youngest. It made so much tension between the boys and with me, but working 3 jobs to keep them fed and get them what they needed, I let my father have his reign with the boy. From the time the youngest was little, he was into himself. Their father walked out when he was 3. The other boys were 8 and 9. Thankfully my grandmother stayed with me and took care of them while I worked. I'm not close at all to my older boys, but I was close to the twins that the youngest has. I spent 3 to 4 days a week with them. Since this event with my father, it appears that every time I ask to see the twins, they're too busy. I can go to court over grandparents rights, as we have them in NJ, but the one thing I don't want to do is have the kids be put in the middle. I just keep asking and keep getting turned down. I know this boy and his 2 brothers will have their hands out when the time comes that my dad passes. The oldest son does plow dad's driveway when it snows, but never calls or visits, the middle son he hasn't seen in about 5 years. According to dad, but we now know he lies, he hasn't seen him but he has gotten a Christmas card. The family dynamics are so difficult that it's not worth the aggravation to try and straighten things out. I take care of my dad as best I can and when the time comes, I can hold my head up high and know I did all I could when he was with us. Thanks for the info about the bank. Pray for me if something happens and dad is hospitalized.........it won't be pretty!!!!

May God Bless you! Your situation is very difficult and stressful. I do not have any answers for you but I'll pray grandma realizes you are there for her.

What more can I say that the best gift is care from a family member? My prayers go out to all caregivers.