Is it common for aging parents to still think you are a young child?

Yep, through the 4 h***ish years I cared for her my mother thought I could do it all, living in the basement (I hadn't had to navigate stairs for 20 years) with a hip replacement and a bad back. She was always sneering at me and berating me because I was "young and fit" and running up the stairs constantly was good exercise... hello???

you will always be young to your parents. My mom is in her 90s and though my road-running days are over, I apparently have a doppelganger who stays out at all hours running the country roads even though I'm sitting next to her on the couch. BTW, I never did have any road-running days, not even in my teens and twenties! :)

Raven, my sympathies about your friends dropping you. Unfortunately, that is common. I think people are afraid that they will one day be in your position and they don't want that reminder. You may be interested in this article from the past:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/when-caregiving-starts-friends-scatter-154250.htm

Take care,
Carol

freqflyer: I am so glad to hear that someone else has the same problem!! I am 61 and last year my mother wanted me to climb up on the workshop and re-roof it by myself!!! Yep I could carry up those big rolls and put down tar, oh sure I could!!!!!!

Every fall she wants me to climb up to the roof tops and make sure that the branches of the trees are not rubbing on the shingles and if they are, cut them off.

Eight years ago after my father died, she wanted to paint the outside of the entire house....by hand....with 2" paint brushes....by ourselves!! We did!!! I was 53 and Mom was 77. We washed down every single area, rinsed every single area, painted 2 coats of primer and at least 2 coats of paint!!! It took us just over 2 months!!! I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE!!! WE HAD FANTASTIC TANS!!! I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN!!!!

This year it was, lets buy a 12 foot ladder so you (me) can climb up there and trim off all the branches from the tree and save $400!!! What if I fall? It will cost far more than any $400 and the damage I could cause to myself!!!

I keep saying, she has dementia, she doesn't think correctly, do fall for her schemes!!! Pay the extra money!

Now I just tell her my arthritis is too bad....she gets mad because she doesn't have arthritis! She will yell at my sister, "You just wait one of these days YOU will be old!" My sister replies, "I am already old, I am 66, I will probably die before YOU!"

arniethek1 , that is so sweet. My mom does not have Alzheimer's or dementia but does not feel so loving towards me. I wish it were so.

What an interesting conversation. My mom does not believe she is 80 this year, nor that I will be 50. She does not realize my age (or the illnesses I have.) She also keeps looking for Julie (me) and when I say, "I'm right here," she says, "Not you, my little girl Julie." Mom talks all the time about her mother, too ; asking when is her mother coming to get her and other wild stories that I know are not real.
My half-bro's mom, who has severe ALZ and is now in a ALZ home, used to make her husband drive her around town looking for her boys. They are, and were at the time, in there 60's. Such a sad disease.

I am 65 years old and receive Social Security and Medicare benefits. Yet, my 94-year old mother who lives with Alzheimer's Disease still refers to me as her sweet little boy. They say that with her disease long-term memory can remain long after the short-term memory has faded. I guess that mom must have very fond memories of me as a child.

As parents age, they tend to focus on their needs not the adult child. You have to use your own judgment as to what chores you can and can not do for them.
Good luck

Thanks for everyone who commented to my question.... glad to see it is all just part of the process.

At one time I thought of getting a cane and use it when around my parents to help remind them that I am getting up in years, too.... what a sight that would be, all three of us using canes when going into the doctor offices :) But then I realized that if I did that my parents would quickly resort back to being "helicopter parents" and they would panic if they called over to my house and I didn't answer.... [sigh].

When it comes to hiring someone, I rather it be my parents doing the calling and paying as they can easily afford to hire the best. But Dad doesn't want to part with a dime. He keeps saying how much I will inherit, and I have mentioned to him "I would be too tired to enjoy it" hoping that he would dust those cobwebs off the checkbook and spend on themselves.

Oh well, I am learning what not to do when I get older !!

Yeah, it's common. I corrected my mom yesterday when she said "I hardly ever go down for lunch". I said "mom, you go down every day unless you go somewhere with me!". She replied "do you know what MY mother would have done if I corrected her that way?". I said "yes, the same thing you would do if I was a kid". Then we (thankfully let it drop). Mom says many things that are off the wall. She says it's 1988 every time someone asks her what year it is, so yes, she has dementia and I'm trying to stop correcting her unless it's something she needs to know. I don't really care what year she thinks it is so don't make a big deal about it. Could you get a grandson or handyman to do the attic chore?
I'm with you on that. God Bless!

I'm only 46, but my father turns 91 tomorrow and Mom is 84. Dad especially considers me a "kid", especially when telling me what to do (!). However, he sometimes thinks that I should take it easy and not do things, because I'm getting old (!). It's hard to balance that dichotomy, but end result is I've actually never felt stronger or better about myself.

Being my parents' caregiver is definitely a character-building experience.

It's just where their mind is at! For instance - Mom had her 76th birthday last week. (she suffers from dementia and alz) We are exactly 20 years apart in age - when she asked me how old she was I told her "76 and that makes me 56!". She looked at me as if I had 2 heads and said "oh you are not!" It just comes with the territory. With most caregiving - I find that when you are over tired from doing all the things life has been throwing at you along with what you "normally" do - it makes the things your loved ones say and do hard to deal with some days. Good Luck and hugs!

At least they know who your are. But don't climb ladders. :)
It all changes when they think you are their mom or dad because you care for them. That is a sad change. But you are doing a good job when that happens. Weaving ourselves through the aged years is a struggle, but worth it.

Yup, my mom thinks I am young all the time. The saddest thing, her Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she is looking for her little girls often. She does not believe she is 87 and usually thinks she is in her 40's. Sometimes she says "no wonder I'm so tired". She was always one of those people that firmly believed that men should do the "hard work". Since she is so young in her place, when I go out to shovel snow, she tries to get hubby to go out and do it, and he is 85 with a hip replacement and is developing serious mobility problems. When he tells her he cannot shovel snow any longer, she gets angry and frustrated with him, then puts on her coat, gloves and hat and comes out on the ice and snow wanting to help. A terrible risk to her falling, which she does not understand either since she is still in her 40's. ;)

We have a neighborhood handy man that handles what I cannot. He charges most neighbors $40.00 an hour, but reduces it 50% for our household. Do you have someone in your neighborhood, even a high school age kid that could help with ladder and other type chores that you should not be doing any more?

My dad, who I've written about several times, called me to the house one day during the summer. He has no fans, opens no windows and would never consider air conditioning.............he needed the oval braided rug in the dining room stitched. It's only 40 plus years old and is coming apart. He thought I could sit on the floor with a needle and thread and stitch it back together. I'll be 71 in May and need total knee replacements............that was one time I had to tell him no.........I refused to get down on the floor to sew a rug!!! Yep, they seem to realize that we do grow up!!!

You asked two questions. Your parents are in long term memory and being in their 90s, have some dementia. Have they been evaluated for dementia? Second question involves how do you get them to understand you are not as young as you are. That is an age old problem with aged parents who still see their children as "young". They diapered you, so in their minds you are still very young. Relax. Hire someone to get up into the attic - it could be a neighbor or handyman. I've dealt with this issue my whole life with others still considering me the "baby" and I am 65 yrs. young. Just let it roll off your shoulders and love your parents for as long as you have them. You have great genes!

carol is full of crap. now go to your room..

I've found elders in my family all think the rest of us are young. Those in their 90's are always talking about the "ids" who are probably in their 70's. To them, that generic were their kids and really do seem young.

It doesn't seem that they necessarily think the next generic are little kids, not that this is a senility thing, just that they do seem so young and spry in comparison.

Personally, I now think anyone in the 30's and 40's must be able to do just about anything, is so very young, really just a kid, almost. When did this happen to me that I would think that of people in their 30's and 40's?!?!?! ;-)

I really do empathize with you. I am an only in a similar position. My one feeling is that I do not miss out on my life because of my parents. Whilst I do what I can for them I make sure that I get out a couple of times a week and go away on short holidays. Out of ten friends I had six dropped me as soon as I started to look after my parents and four loyal ones stayed and took me out for cups of tea or shopping. I am grateful to them and their support. It is important to look after yourself as well, FreqFlyer, so you all have quality of life. One does not ask for the world, just a little consideration from time to time. I agree with Carol. Good luck and all the best!

I think I'd be quite flattered… but it wouldn't get me up any ladders!

In my experience with my mother this is common, I am her baby, she said, she doesn't care how old I am I will always be her baby. So, I just do what I can, get someone to do what I can't and smile.

I like your comment Carol!

Thanks, Sizemoe. I try. Caregivers need to cover each others backs : )

Great response Carol!

When parents get to be 90, the challenge must be huge! Since my caregiving covered nearly two decades (because of multiple elders), I had a glimpse of what you are talking about. It was far easier to pack up a wheelchair and stash it in my car during the first few years than the last.

Your parents just think of you as their daughter, so therefore you are young. They likely don't see themselves being as old as they are so they can't absorb the fact that a child of theirs is a senior citizen.

The only solution I can think of for you is to say that you have - a back issue, arthritis, a shoulder problem - something that is painful, so you can't do this work. Tell them you'll find someone who can, but that you need to take care of this injury or chronic pain. They may then fall into parent mode and realize that you are "sick" so they want to help you.

This skirts the fact that you are aging therefore they are REALLY old.
Good luck! You have company here so please keep coming back to check in.
Carol