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Time to hire help.

It's the only way your mother will "see the light" and act on it.
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Would she understand the value decreases as the house ages? She probably is afraid to move. That is the real hurdle we had with all four of our parents.
We (wife and I) had a similar problem with my distant in-laws. They both had health problems at the same time, so it was entirely on us when they were finally forced to AL. We sold their car to Carmax, found an estate sale place who would do a sale for a large percent, and found a service to clean out the house. The house sold quickly, not for a huge amount, but we were done. We had taken personal items for them to take to their AL.
We could have gotten more money for everything by taking much more time and fixing up the house. But there comes a point where the possessions and their "worth" is crushing. Yes, we could have garage sales, but doing the work to present and sell - is it really worth the return when you are no longer young?
Getting her to actually sell the house may be the hardest thing of all. It is easy to understand the reluctance.
My mother said she would sell for years. Even after she was in AL. Finally we decided downsizing would be good and bought the house from her. We had it renovated. She had an easier time selling to family, and we were able to rescue it before it became too dilapidated. I gave away or donated most of the contents. My story, if she asked for a possession, would be that I gave it to her neighbors, which was true for many items. For other items I was ready to give her a check to convince her it had been sold. Used furniture and other possessions generally sell for little in the real world.
Killing yourself for that last few pennies is just not worth it if you are an older adult yourself.
I agree with others that you need to stop helping with the house. I did, and I could fix almost anything it needed. Hard to do nothing, but in my case it helped to let her become a little overwhelmed. She was mad I would not help with the house, but I just explained I no longer had the energy to do work like that and was no good at finding repairmen.
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Sounds like my mother in law. I've got to the point on the impossible demands that I just tell her no and walk off to give her time to forget about it. My wife was handling her, but she had an accident and is now paralyzed from the neck down. I've got my hands full with her and her mom is just going to have to get used to it.
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I am a member of an Adult Children of Hoarders group on Facebook. There is a LOT of talk about narcissists and their love of control and gaslighting. It sounds to me as if your mom is one. Read the signs and symptoms on Google. Then you need to set some firm boundaries before you go down with this ship. No more free work, no more kowtowing to the control freak. Please. Then decide if there is any way to free your sister from this trap (even if she has to move in with someone else). You may end up "sacrificing" any inheritance, but no amount of money is worth the rest of your life and health. I know it's easy for me to say, but if she HAS to seek help, she probably will and she will vilify you all the way. But if she can volunteer and go to work (what does she do?), she can pick up the phone and get someone in to change the light bulbs. Read the Cloud and Townsend book on Boundaries.
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mterpin Jan 2020
Yes I agree - a narcissist. My Mom was the same. She was quite capable of doing things herself, but it made her happy if she could coerce someone else into doing it for her.

I remember when my Mom was younger - she would have been in her 40's at the time. She liked to go shopping for clothes, but she would never try them on. On one occasion she requested that I return something for her. At the time, I lived almost 2 hours away. So after letting her know that I would have 4 hours of driving to do something that would take her 1/2 an hour to do, I refused. Can you believe she repeated that story of the "moral wrong" I had committed for the next 30 years?

Narcissists.......
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I have a somewhat similar situation which I have chronicled on here.

But as I read this post, what strikes me, as what strikes me in my own situation there are two separate (but related) issues.

One is the physical demands on SilverLinings and her sisters time, which is a burden in and of itself.

But to me, equally hurtful is this sense of entitlement and demandingness on the part of the parent that sort of debases the kids. I have said I may even like helping my own mom out if there was a sense of appreciation or lack of entitlement.

In this case, your mom could move to an apartment and on one hand there would be less physical demands, but the same selfish demanding person would still be there and she would find ways to exercise that selfishness.

There is a saying, wherever you go, there you are. So your mom could move, but she would still be the same person.
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Beatty Jan 2020
They are very good points. Sometimes we do get caught up in .. 'if only this would happen - things will get easier'... Kind of sobering (but very important) thought that the behaviour will continue even if the change of IS made.

Eg OP's Mum will still expect a new downsized dwelling to be cleaned & maintained by daughters while she works & volunteers.

Self-preserving boundaries will need to be made, re-enforced, redrawn over & over.

I can see why some people move a long way away. Maybe the sister would consider moving to OP's town? Just an idea..
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I am assuming your Mom has no cognitive issues since she still works and volunteers. I had a few relatives that wanted all house repairs and all done by friends and all because they were CHEAP and stingy. Your Mom also feels that she worked for all of what she has and doesn’t want to start heading backwards. She needs to scale down like many of us have done including myself. You and sister need to have a “come to Jesus” meeting with Mommy Dearest! Stress the fact that you and your sister have health issues and can’t do the work she requires for a large home. Tell her she either has a yard sale or estate sale and scale down to a manageable situation. Stress over and over about your condition and your sister needs to help you with this meeting. Silence is consent. Tell Mom she will have to hire help if she wants to stay in Tara! There are nice senior neighborhoods out there and she needs to get it together. She is USING you figuring you are afraid to buck her due to inheritance. That is mean and abusive. She does not care as long as you don’t do anything she asks and continue to enable her. Tough love is needed with this woman. Good luck to you and your sister.
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This is slightly different but may help. I have a mentally disabled sister. I have always felt responsible for her. I have felt guilty if I didn't look after her. Finally someone said, "You aren't her parent. You don't owe your life. And you need to get over that guilt." It's true. Why should my life be ruined just because my sister was born disabled? I am 63 and finally had the courage to walk away from the responsibility.
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The way you describe your mom, it sounds like she is suffering from Alzheimer's They become self aware to the maximum, they can not process the needs of others and they are very demanding. They can be very loving, when they want to, and usually it is to others, not family. I would try and get her some help for the real problem she is suffering. I really can't see how she holds a job, unless they absolutely love her there and she has been there for a long time. Hope this helps
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kdcm1011 Jan 2020
The poster's mom still works & volunteers.
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I don’t know what to think most of the time about certain people in certain situations. It is so hard when a family member’s behavior becomes puzzling to those around them.

Some people have some form of dementia, they never will function as a healthy person.

Some people are bored and not interested in improving their lives or don’t know how to become involved in life. They become frustrated with their lives. Some people are mean, just mean people.

Some people are suffering with depression or anxiety and seriously suffering for valid reasons and would welcome healing in their lives so they do seek help and improve. Others I believe seem to enjoy their depression and anxiety.

For instance, I know an older woman who actually told me that she is constantly thinking about what she has to worry and be sad about. She isn’t happy unless she has something to be worried or depressed about. I cannot be around her. Her behavior drives me crazy.

Of course we all have bad days but for her, every single day is a bad day! She takes it to extremes and she has a good life. She is relatively healthy and has no financial issues, has three children who care about her, a slew of grandchildren, etc.

At first I tried to reach out to her but when I realized she really loved the ‘woe is me’ act, I decided to back off.

Here’s the thing though, she always has a new audience to perform for because people catch on to her and drop her like a hot potato.

Her family certainly knows her behavior patterns and she constantly insults her family and anyone else who won’t listen to her chronic nonsense. People like her give me a headache! Literally! So, I stopped trying. She won’t change so why should I allow her to annoy me?
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A lot of answers here having you tell your mother what she should do (hire help, move to a smaller place, etc.) Doing that will allow her to argue every little point and nothing will change.

The only thing you can change is yourself. On your own write down what you feel you can do for your Mom and still keep yourself health/sane/happy. For example: " Mom I will bring you groceries every two weeks, visit for 2 hours every week and call every other day. " And STICK to it. Let HER figure out how to get her needs taken care of. It is not your job.

Start seeing a therapist to help you set these boundaries and stick to them. You have had a lifetime of being trained by your mother to jump when she calls. You life is just as important as hers.

Check out the advice columnist Captain Awkward. She is great with understanding the need for, and establishing, boundaries.
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Yup I did an "elderly intervention." I was in a similar situation and I was at my breaking point. I had a "lightbulb moment" and brought my mother down to her lawyer's office for "estate planning." This was the best decision I ever made. Two hours and a harsh dose of reality later, she agreed to put the house on the market. Whatever $$ spent for that consultation was made up for in the sale of the house and my own sanity. If your mother values outsiders' opinions over family members, this might be a good route to go.
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You must set boundaries here as you're ill with cancer. Call in her town's social worker for example to let that person see firsthand the hoarding situation.
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I'm ADD so my writing is jumbled.

This is going to sound really cold; BUT, it's time for Tough Love. Wish I'd been smart enough to have done this earlier myself & to have stuck to my guns better.

What your situation really boils down to is the conflict between how we view ourselves - as always being our parents' child & therefore forever required to respect, care for them etc. - & who we've become.

Then there is the problem of feeling that we "owe" our parents. Well, what about what your mom "owes" you? She owes you respect! You're now adults with your own lives & your own responsibilities. Your own families need you. You owe them a life with you in it & without your mother controlling it.

Your mother may have brought you into this world but that was her choice. Her job was to raise you properly & make sure you could take care of yourselves. You don't really owe her anything for doing that.

It is essential you sister figure out a way to have a place of her own away from

I too developed health issues - not as severe as the 2 of you are facing but they were ignored until they couldn't any longer. Mom's demands & the multiple responsibilities I had & how I chose to respond (mental stress/strain) caused my personal & physical well-being to deteriorate. I was trying to maintain the yards of her 5 pieces of property plus my own 81 miles away as well as get the crucial repairs done.

I'm sorry, but there's no easy way to stop this destructive infinity loop the 2 of you are in other than "using a sharp knife to sever the many & intricate ties that bind you". If you don't, she may very well outlive both of you & your own families will become further hurt/traumatized than they already are.

You imply your mother is mentally "fine" but from what you've written it doesn't really sound as if she's "living in total reality". It might be that she has certain tendencies/her own personal quirks OR she may have certain or beginning to have cognitive problems. Only a professional will be able to discern that.

In all fairness, my mother was an only child & she came very close to being "driven into the ground" trying to meet her mother's demands. I became a walking basket case by the time my mother died. I wasn't eating right, I was recovering from unexpected major surgery for a rare appendiceal mucocele & was barely managing to walk around with (according to the doctor who did my next surgery) the worst full thickness rectal prolapse he'd ever dealt with. How I managed to even function, I couldn't tell you. I wasn't eating right, was existing on Monster drinks, dealing with multiple cases of poison ivy, rashes, bruised & bleed easily, etc. I was physically & mentally exhausted. Plus, my fiance (81 miles away) became gravely ill & I only got to see him twice before he died.

Don't shorten your own lives by continuing as you are - being dutiful children. Yes, that's exactly what you're doing. You owe yourselves & your nuclear families a life separate from your mother's. You & they deserve it.

It's not going to be easy & you will feel guilty. Find a counselor (whether certified or a priest/minister/rabbi) with whom you feel comfortable & "pour out your guts". You both have been so "beaten down"I know that's easier said than done; but, it's really what you need. I did. After a 1-1/2 years I'm starting to feel good about myself.

All relationships are complicated. It's obvious you/your sister have been trying to do everything within your power to help your mother.

Don't get me wrong. I loved my mother; I chose to spend nearly 12 years caring 4 her/being her advocate. Had I not moved to where she lived, she would not have lived as long as she did. As bad as it sounds - perhaps that would have been better b/c I would not have come so close to hating her.

My circumstances were both similar & different from what you/your sister are going through. No one deserves to be emotionally/mentally abused, Cut the cord now!
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My heart goes out to you ❤️
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I just went through this with my grandmother. She was much nicer about things but the rest sounds pretty close. We had to stop helping. I just said we can't do anything else in this way. It's killing us. My grandmother went and lived with my mother because we put our foot down and I went and packed up and cleared out the house. Now grandma has money to spend and is a lot more relaxed without the huge to do list over her head. Sometimes General but tough love is needed.
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The truth of the matter is that only YOU can put a stop to your suffering.
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DI'd you know that restore humanity through habitat for humanity will do in home clean outs? 1-800-got-junknwill do home clean outs as well. In my area the society of Saint Vincent De Paul too. I also think It's past time for you and your sister to put boundaries in place in order to preserve both of your health and sanity.
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elaineSC Jan 2020
That mother will have to give her consent for somebody to come and clean out her big stash since she has her faculties and still works and all.
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OMG! I never thought I'd hear of another situation similar to ours!
Same themes - aging, demanding mother in a huge house, a hoarder, cognitively fine but suspicious of others, mobility issues, was still working well into her 80's - except that Mom lives in the house that Dad built for the family - we kids literally all helped build/maintain it so there's alot of personal investment in this being the house that we built. When Dad left, mom got the house in the divorce - 35 years ago. One brother lives next door, another nearby - and she expects a lot from them in terms of help maintaining the house. They are builders themselves and very capable of doing the work, but they avoid Mom and delay getting to key safety/repair needs for months/years. When Mom fell a year ago - I tried getting outsiders to come in to do repairs/maintenance - but they won't let anyone on the property that they don't personally know. I live four hours away, have a house, a husband and a high needs child. I too make several trips a year to try to help Mom, who manages to sabotage or defer much of what I try to do - them complains that no one helps her.  It took eleven years to get her to meet with an elder law attorney!  For the past five years, I have been primary caregiver in my home for my father who now has Alzheimer's; he is now destitute despite having worked his ass off for many, many years. (He recently went into assisted living - but w/o funds to remain there b/c the trust his mother left was squandered in a legal squabble between the executor and another family member.) So I've got it going at both ends - quit my job three years ago to be able to manage it all. I am still living my parent's divorce.
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First of all, you and the rest of the family unanimously decide you are no longer going to tend to her needs and you are going to lay the law down to her. Gather a list of possible people who can fix things, i.e. a plumber, electrician, yard work, etc. Give it to her and tell her you are physically (and mentally) per doctor's orders to do this or that (which does NOT include catering to her). Tell her she is on her own l00%. If it does not get fixed, it is her problem. Let that go on for while and she will find out what she is up against. And you say there was abuse from her. So why in God's name are you helping her at all? You owe her nothing, and I mean nothing. Talk to different aging places to get general information. If she won't cooperate and shape up, well, she is on her own. DO NOT GO....DO NOT HELP HER....DO NOT LISTEN TO HER. SAVE YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY FIRST.
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Takl is another option for chores. With agencies such as Habitat for Humanity, the donation counts as a tax deduction.
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Sounds like an almost identical scenario with me (moving in to keep her in her home - but she didn’t work, just volunteer stuff until the dementia was too extreme)
My mom also was a hoarder. recognize it for what it is. She will never willingly get rid of anything, especially the house. It all lip service to keep you hanging on to hope. This too, is the behaviour of a narcissistic mother. Look up on line about narcissistic parents. I think you will find a lot of answers there. I kno I did. It didn’t change her any but it gave me insight and realistic expectations for myself. THAT in itself probably saved my mental health more than all the counselling available.
It’s tough. you and your sister need help making a plan that will save you from being “used” and only fill the need when real needs must be met.
getting friends to do free work is off the plate. She will find fault and it will drive a wedge between you and your friend. Besides, you don’t appreciate being used, why would you allow a friend to enter into that situation too?
breathe. Pause. Breathe slow and deep. Smile and be kind to that person in the mirror. You are fantastic. You are worth the smile and kindness you can give yourself.
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But you see, you are fulfilling the demands, so why would she consider anything else?
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I think you will have to do yourself, your sister, and your mom a favor and just walk away. No more help, certainly not roping in your friends. The house is her responsibility and she will have to meet that responsibility or sell it. But I would not listen to any promises that the house will be sold if only you will do this, or that.  Just nonsense - it will never happen. Why try to change her mind? You don't have to, just change yours and stand firm. You have the power, so use it.
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