Any advice for those of us who have aggressive parents in assisted living who want to go home with us?

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My mother lost her husband of 67 years. They were extremely loving and close. Then my mother left home one day, fell, went to the hospital. She never returned home. She went from the hospital to assisted living and has been there for the past year. She was always an independent woman and always doing something and busy. Now, she finds herself unable to see properly so she's not able to do certain activities, including even watching TV. And now she finds herself in a wheelchair. I visit two to the three times a week. Each time as much as I want to see my mother it is extremely frustrating for me. Because I know she's going to begin to ask me to come home. And she does not back down. As a matter of fact she almost gets very angry. And when I give her the little white lie excuses she's not buying it. My mother is to Wiley for that. Yesterday, after my visit, I am feeling so very guilty because I don't know what to say to her and I have to leave her just sitting in her wheelchair. Any advice for those of us who have aggressive parents who want to go home with them?

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Not sure the pros would agree to this, but what if you agree with her and just tell her you're working on it? Dad doesn't ask to come home now, but there are a few other issues that I respond to him in agreement and say that I'm working on it. No detail, just working on it, or I'll see what can be worked out, or I'll talk to your doctor, etc.
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@countrymouse. Thank you. My mother has a tendency to be a feisty individual. You hit the nail on the head. She is all that you say. Missing her husband. Leaving her home and never returning. She's also always been busy. Always. Now, if she doesn't participate in the facility activities and then there's nothing for her to do. Not to mention the fact that her eyesight is not at its best. If I were to put that question to her or say I wish you could come home to I would guarantee you her response would be "well then take me with you." Even though she has been diagnosed with dementia my mom still comes up with some zingers. The average person would think she was answering perfectly fine. However the very next sentence might be something totally unexpected. I have an appointment to take her to the doctor tomorrow morning. And as much as I want to spend time with her I am dreading it. Because I know at the end I'm going to have to walk away from her. It hurts. It probably hurts her more I am sure.
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@Freqflyer. There are activities going on all day where my mom is. However she does choose not to participate. But then the activity director tells me she does participate. I was caught off-guard with that one. Anyway no too expensive for a private caregiver especially given that there are many they're at the facility with her.
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I think you can guess what's going through her mind, can't you? She misses your father, she misses her home, she misses her life as a healthy, purposeful, free human being.

A guilty thing because you have to leave her... I would respectfully suggest that you're going through a sad thing, because you are just as sad for your mother as she has every reason to be for herself.

The one thing she has got going for her is a daughter who feels very close to her, and is sticking by her.

When she says that she wants to go home, if you were to say that you wish she could go home too, and then stop there and wait for her to say more, what does she generally move on to next?
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eghgg2e, I wonder if your Mom could budget having per own part-time caregiver? Like for 3 hours per day, maybe during the times when the facility is have activities such as music? Then the caregiver can take Mom to the music room, etc.

I did that for my Dad, when he moved from his house to Independent Living then later into their Memory Care. He had the same private caregiver for a year, who he really enjoyed having her around. So it is important to find THE caregiver who would work out the best personality wise. The Agency can send a different girl every couple of days until Mom find a match. I know it is expensive, but it did help relieve some of the stress.
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Thank you Jeannegibbs and cdnreader. Because my mother and I are so very close it makes it extremely hard for me to be honest with her. When I am she begins to weep. And I have to end up leaving her weeping, which is even worse. I am just going through a guilty thing because I have to leave her there just sitting in her wheelchair and not knowing what in the world could be going through her mind.
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I'm very sorry. I know this situation is stressful. You are so good to visit as often as you do. I know its hard to have an honest conversation but don't be afraid. I wish I had one with my dad before he passed. I tried to appease him and keep him at home after the stroke. But in the end I feel I failed him. Sometimes it is too much for an adult child to take care of their parent. I know it hurts to deny your mom her wishes, but in this case, just try to be as honest and loving as you can.
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"Oh Mother! I am so, so sad that your health is not good enough for you to be living on your own. It breaks my heart that you can't walk and that you don't see very well. I certainly wish I could change that." Hug her and cry. "Let's think of ways we can make your home here the best it can be."
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