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Mother recently passed 3 months ago at age 87 after long battle with dementia, father 88 he was unaware until end stages that she had dementia and she lived at home??? Father 88 has hired her caregiver to stay to help him clear out her belongings, even hope /memory /picture chest etc,she is in charge of deciding what stays and goes of mothers belongings. He has made this caregiver his priority over family twice now since mom passed and now she is coming to the next major family holiday. When does a paid companion cross over to a paid girlfriend? When asked why he couldnt come to the last family event he advised our son his grandson, that it is not proper to cancel plans (church) with one person when something else (church at grandson's church for special service, he historically would go to before.) comes along ( we also welcomed him to bring her along so that he could come, the entire family came but him, his children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren, he declined, event was simply church, he was simply going to his church as well). He then said to our son/his grandson, you should especially not cancel when it is your wife or girlfriend.... He has previously to this always been close to both of his children. She is clearing out mothers hope chest and pictures when no one is home and other items. His grown kids have not been asked for input on their mothers special memory items ( not talking about financial items, rather the sentimental, or even how they feel about this. We are aware he will likely move on and remarry at some point so its not like its not expected but should we be expecting this from his paid companion through an agency? My wife suspects based upon behaviors she has observed that he is in the begining stages of dementia as well, he can still do all daily functions on his own and even drives but only locally. The companion is 23 years younger than my father. She has one daughter that does not live locally and is lonely at the holidays. My father is very lonely after moms passing, when though should we be concerned that this private pay agency companion is becoming more than bargained for. Father frequently brags about the amount of money he has but he really doesnt have as much as he thinks compared to what he is spending, we have observed this bragging a few times, which is concerning ( but will likely leave a potential gold digger very disappointed, I am not saying she is that and maybe we would even like her, but he has become distant and moody and she is the highlight in his life currently, when asked he says he is not interested in her romantically but they are going to picnics on weekends and he is heavily focused on his plans with her. Frequently using terms such a we, us, and our in reference to her. We want him to be happy, but would prefer it be with someone he is not paying, because it feels like he might be being taken advantage or perhaps he is just lonely and in need of this companionship. It may also be him putting her on the spot for these outings, it took 8 weeks for her to finally go to church with him, maybe she was putting him off and couldnt any longer . Any companions out there have any advise on how to proceed. We don't want to be too agressive in either direction at this time. Maybe she is just being his friend outside of work but also gets paid Monday - Friday.

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What jumped out to me is the caregiver did not want to go to church with Dad on Sundays (her day off) and it was 8 weeks before she would join him at church.

Dad may be the one pressing this "relationship."

There are thousands of posts on this forum in which the kids cannot care for Dad. In a way this woman is providing care for Dad such that the kids don't have to do the day to day care.

If there is not a lot of money here and the kids don't care about the money one option is to let
Dad live his life.
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I think a lot of older men fall into this. They miss having someone around to take care of them. When my mom died my father emptied out the house like it was on fire. I had to dumpster dive to grab a few mementos. Then his friend set him up with this woman. I mentioned this woman's name to a coworker and found out she had a history of hanging out with older lonely men. My father acted like such an idiot around her but I held my tongue as he was an adult and could make his own dumb decisions. Luckily she did something a few months in that proved to my father she really didn't care about him and the situation resolved itself.
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I didn't read through all the responses but your post mentions Dad wasn't aware mom had advanced dementia until the end and lived by herself. Im assuming mom and dad weren't living in the same house. Didn't he wonder why your mom needed a caregiver for? Maybe I read it wrong but u said dad hired your mothers caregiver as a companion for himself. Sorry for sounding dense, just confused.
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applesauce2468,

I am very surprised at the number of comments here in support of allowing this potential crook CG to cause familial divide, especially in the wake of your mother's death and involving your vulnerable 88 year old father, grandfather and great grandfather who should be spending this time with family and not excluding you all for time with a younger, paid female companion, esp one who is likely already making money by reselling items being 'thrown out.'

This CG is crossing boundaries regardless of her motives and should be reported to the agency and the police, imo. It is actually illegal for her to be taking any actions involving home contents, whether or not at his behest. She should be served with a Cease and Desist Order to prevent any further loss of family treasures. An Elder Law attorney can advise you on how to proceed in that regard and in obtaining the necessary POAs to manage what your father can no longer appropriately manage for himself.

I'm sorry for your loss of your mother and the loss of her belongings; that must be stopped immediately. I'm saddened that your father is so lonely that he's seeking an alternate companion, but the CG is not acting in the best interests of anyone other than herself. Call a family meeting because someone needs to step in and assume DPOA and make certain that he has has an assigned Medical POA also. His not having been aware of your mother's advanced dementia is proof enough that he's no longer competent. He needs to have a thorough competency evaluation and if required, your family can petition the Court under the 'mental competency' statutes to get his legal documents and accounts protected to prevent this CG / girlfriend from benefiting further from his vulnerability.

I'd imagine that you're all still reeling from the loss of your mother and it's very difficult for families to come to grips with it being time to step in and begin managing parents' affairs. Your father is very vulnerable and we've all heard about just how ruthless some of these older women can be. She's ridding what she likely considers to be her new home of all traces of your mother and must be stopped before she does further damage.

Don't worry about your father losing her companionship, she's not worthy of his company; if she was, there would be no choices for your father to make between events to attend. She's already gained a foothold in causing family estrangement and she won't stop there.

I'd look into your state's laws on placing cameras and place several in the home to observe and record what is actually going on behind closed doors. Even though your dad isn't rich, the home may be all the security she's seeking from this situation. You don't know her history or what she's availed herself of from other situations. I'd do some deep-dive research on her, if she's even using her legal name. And that 8 week delay on her part may have only been her testing the waters to see how your family would react.

I won't apologize for being an alarmist; I find this to be an emergent and very alarming situation. I wish you and your family the very best in getting her out of his and your family's lives. I'd strongly advise you all to act swiftly.
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Katefalc Oct 2022
ABSOLUTE unprofessional gold digger… beware
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Tip her well.
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88 y.o. man deserves happiness.

88 y.o. man with dementia also deserves happiness.

No one has the right to destroy his happiness. That’s a cruel thing to do.

If you are concerned about him being exploited financially, then protect his money. Otherwise, leave him be.
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sp19690 Oct 2022
No normal woman is going to be interested in an 88 year old man with dementia. Let's get real here.
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No need to pay her anymore if she is a girlfriend now.
Hire a real caregiver to care for Dad.
Not paying her anymore should take care of any issues.
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Grandma1954 Oct 2022
This works if Applesauce is the one paying the caregiver. If dad is paying caregiver he can continue paying or not it is up to him. (Unless he is incompetent)
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I agree with Polarbear. Why did you not go into the house & take your mother's memento's and personal belongings that you wanted to keep, before they were gotten rid of?? That makes no sense to me. Your father & this CG probably thought nobody wanted them, which is why they got rid of them!

Your father is a grown man, and not a millionaire, this CG is not a spring chicken herself, so the chances of her being a 'gold digger' are slim. Those telling you what she 'is' have no clue what she 'is' or what she 'is not'. If your father is happy, then let the man alone! DO NOT call the agency and tattle on her b/c they may fire her and then what???? Then your father is upset and alone and blaming you for the whole mess.

If there was a ton of money here for him to lose, my comment may be different. But I feel like you 'kids' should try to get to know the woman and spend some time with dad AND with her to feel out the situation. Then you'll be better equipped to see what you think w/o immediately suspecting of her of being some kind of a thief, a crook or a fraud. She may genuinely care for your dad and vice versa, which would be great at his age. We all need love, let's face it.

My condolences on the loss of your dear mom. Wishing you all the best of luck with everything you have going on.
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"paid girlfriend"?..there is another term for that 😉
I question your fathers cognition at this point. If he was "unaware" of mom's dementia how cognizant is he?
Do you have contact with the agency? If so I would contact them and request another caregiver. (If you are paying bills you might be in the right to request this. If dad is paying then it is his call and they may not make the change. I do think they should be made aware that the caregiver is crossing boundaries)
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Well maybe you could drop the message to her that it's great shes helping since he will soon be unable to pay her.. due to his dwindling finances.. LOL That should slow her down if she is gold digger!
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Let him live his life. If he does not have money what is the problem, at least he has companionship.
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fire the caregiver crook immediately!!! She is out for herself, and her family only & does not care at all about your dad!!! You get in that house and see what should be kept asap. Do not let her in his house again. She will soon clean him out of all his $$$$$$ too.
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If your father is mentally competent there is neither anything you can do legally or morally. So you should relax and let your Dad live his life as he sees fit. The more problems you throw in the way of all this the more your Dad will spend time arguing your points and not looking at the facts staring himself in his face. And honestly, the woman is in her 60s. A bit old for being a gold digger. Not saying she isn't, but there is no proof she is, either.
Were your Dad not competent then whichever child is POA would be having a serious discussion with the agency. As your Dad is competent that's not an option. Wishing good luck to all.
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Katefalc Oct 2022
I think if her dad was competent, he would have noticed his wife had dementia don’t you?
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applesauce2468, when my Mom had passed Dad was so lost as he didn't know how to do any of the chores that my Mom would do, such as fixing meals. So I called a local Agency and we set up 3 shifts per day, as Dad was also a major fall risk.

At one time I had the same feeling as you currently are going through, regarding one of Dad's caregivers. Dad liked having her take care of him. They had a lot of common so that made conversations easier.

Or maybe I was reading too much into how easy they were getting along. My Mom in her later years was really tough to deal with, so maybe Dad was happy to be around someone who wasn't always arguing with him as he wanted to move to senior living or bring in a caregiver and Mom would have no part of either idea. He did love my Mom dearly and missed her so much.

Is your Dad's caregiver in communication with you? At least with my Dad's caregiver she was in communication with me on a regular basis. Any time Dad had a doctor's appointment, afterwards she would relay how it went. It was this caregiver who told me that Dad was tossing unpaid bills into recycling.

It was even her who suggested maybe it was time for Dad to move to senior housing [even thought that would mean her assignment would be over]. We were able to set it up with senior housing for this caregiver to work 7 to 1 with Dad via her Agency, thus Dad would have a routine and have a familiar face which was so very helpful.
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I would report this to the agency today and see what they say about it. I can't imagine they'd be "ok" with it. Ask to see their employee's contract. Is she a contracted aid or an actual employee? It might make a difference.

If it is "allowed"... then unless his assets are in a protective Trust, or he has a DPoA (and it's not her) then it's going to be a poop show. If he has a Will existing before this relationship -- and she doesn't get him to change it -- then any inheritance in it should be protected.

If he has one of his children as DPoA, they should do what it takes to get him for a cognitive exam and memory test. It needs to be established than any changes he makes on his PoA or Will after that diagnosis may be invalid due to incapacity. Get him in to his doctor on any pretense. Don't let him go by himself (or with her if possible). There are ways to do this.

We had a family member get taken for literally everything he owned. She was a predatory "caregiver" and knew exactly what she was doing. This is not a real romance. If she stopped getting paid would she stick around? His PoA could stop paying her once the criteria for activating the PoA is met.
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Pathetic but very common with men. Shame on your father for getting rid of moms stuff without asking any of the children if they want sentimental items. If you want keepsakes speak now or forever be resentful since dad's new paid girlfriend is tossing it all out.
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applesauce - I am glad that your father at 88 can still enjoy a romantic relationship in his life. You should be happy for him.

Since he doesn't have a lot money to be lost, then it shouldn't worry you that she might take advantage of him financially. As for the girlfriend being his paid caregiver, it doesn't bother me. It's logical that he/they develop a relationship from being in close proximity and daily interactions.

As for your mother's things that you wanted to have, you should have taken the initiative to ask for them, instead of passively waiting to be offered.
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