After taking his 90-year-old mother to a nursing home, son with POA is selling her house and possessions unbeknownst to her. Is this right?

Maybe its not lies but little fibs. I bet she has Dementia. If so, there is no reasoning with her. She will not understand the need to sell her home. He is asking you not to tell her the house is being sold, because it probably upsets her. He needs to sell her house for her care.

I had an Aunt accuse my cousin of stealing her sisters money when he placed his Mom, with ALZ, in an assisted living. Really, the AL probably cost 5k a month. Medicaid was needed later on and believe me, they would have found any discrepancies on her accts and a penalty would be placed.

Is it really a big deal? You can't take it with you.

Yes, as the POA the son has a right to sell her house and belongings to raise money for his Moms care. As said, she will probably never return to her home. Money being used to keep the house going, can be used for her care. As long as the proceeds go to her care, he is within the rights she gave him. My Moms house was such an Albatross around my neck. Her SS was used for its upkeep until she went on Medicaid. That money could have helped her stay longer in her AL. So could have the sale of her house which didn't sell till her death and from the introduction of Medicaid till her death, keeping it up came out of my pocket.

Mindy, I would hope if there are any siblings, that the POA allows them some of Moms things.

I feel like that is so disrespectful. Specialy if there are other siblings or bothers and sister. I just went through this w my mother's passing. It was awful. Never ends up good in the end. You got to make sure how close family & friends feel about the person personal belongings. That way we keep the piece.

If the money is going to pay for her nursing home care, it's absolutely right.

Is your information through the "concerned" cousins gossip channels? Don't believe anything that their bias tells you.

What does the son say? Try offering help to him. You have no idea what a lonely position being POA is unless you have been there, especially when all family members are critical of decisions.

It is legal. He has POA.

"I sure would not want anyone selling my house and belongings without my permission".

Of course not. I wouldn't either.

You are right to question & protect her interests. Protecting rights is very important. Keep in mind not to be confused with what someone wants vs what they need.

Consider the differences here;

Temporary: If I was in sound mind, sent to a NH for a short duration.. eg suffered a broken arm/leg, had surgery, couldn't look after myself at home at present & needed respite care - until a rehab stay to start using my arm/leg again. Then return home.

Permanent: I had memory problems. I fluctuated between knowing how to maintain my home, about my bills & finances to being confused/disorientated to where I was, why I was there, what day it was. Not just what I ate for breakfast but how to plan my meals, how to bathe, when take my medication appropriately.

See the difference?

If I needed continual supervision &/or assistance for my daily living, if I needed NH accommodation - I no longer need my house.

It makes sense to sell it & use the funds for my current living needs. (Unfortunately I may not have the judgment, the insight to understand this, therefore not grant permission).

Tell us what the 90yo lady has been diagnosed with?
Something temporary, permanent or progressive?

My dad is 90 and I just had to place him in a nursing home. I am POA.and am selling his home and all its contents to pay for his nursing home care. This is very normal and the right thing to do. My dad is aware of it and we discuss it, he is not happy about it and sometimes forgets but it is our only option, and it's likely the only option this son has. My dad has 2 meddling cousins that criticize everything I do and even tried to change my legal docs (I am only child) for their benefit but have never once offered to help when they know i am an only child and my dad has literally outlived everyone else in the family and I have no help. So maybe consider holding your judgment because it sounds like this person is doing what is right for his mom and her long-term care situation.

As long as he uses the money from the sale of her house and possessions it is. His mother is 90 and in a nursing home. She will never return to her home. The reality is her next address will be the cemetery.

ConcernedCousin, yes it is ethical if he needs funds to pay for his mother's care. Nursing homes and Assisted Living are not cheap. Even in-home care is extremely expensive.

When my Mom was in a nursing home, it was costing my Dad $12,000 per month. Yes, per month. Not many people have such funds sitting in a savings account, but sitting in equity in the house they own.

Selling the house means more money and thus options for her care while removing the possibility they will inherit said house. Many of the places that even take Medicaid will prioritze patients who had been private paying. And mc is usually private pay all the way.

She is likely to have a private room too.

I myself had several "concerned cousins" who did absolutely nothing to help me with my mother who had advanced dementia and required a TON of attention for 10.5 years. But they sure knew how to be Armchair Critics and pass judgment over every blessed thing I was breaking MY back to do for her! What are YOU doing for your aunt and your cousin besides coming here to ask a bunch of internet randos if what he's doing is "ethical"? And what do you know about dementia that would give you the right to say how your aunt "should" feel if she were in posession of her right mind and knew what was happening around her? If only, indeed.

That may sound harsh, but try putting your cousins shoe on your foot for a moment to imagine how he might feel right now with the enormous weight of all he has on his plate. Perhaps, instead of asking this forum such a question, you should ask him what you can do to help him with his heavy load.