Follow
Share

My mom died of classic Alzheimer's in July. Dad, 91, has never exhibited signs of dementia and while frail and slow, he carries out his own ADLs, never repeats questions, knows us all, etc. However, although he was with Mom here at home when she died, (both lived/live with me and my husband), he continues to ask about her whereabouts every day, sometimes several times in the same five minutes. He wonders why there is no meal set for her, whether she's coming to bed, etc. When we tell him she's passed, or is in heaven, he does not react sadly, just thanks us for telling him. Then he asks again. It's no good to make up a story; we tried that once and he wanted to get dressed and go out to look for her. I'm hoping to gain some understanding/perspective on this behaviour, not so much for a strategy to change anything. I understand that after 65 years of marriage it's very difficult or impossible for him to disengage from that relationship. Thanks.

Find Care & Housing
As he keeps asking why there is no place set for her, I would set one up with her picture on the place setting adorned with a white rose or two. Mom’s in heaven, you say, but we remember her daily. Maybe there’s a part of dad that believes that if he accepts her death, he might forget her, too.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to PeggySue2020
Report

Oftentimes after a traumatic event such as the death of a spouse, the remaining spouse who was hiding his dementia symptoms suddenly displays them because he can no longer hide them. The grief threw him over the top. Your dad is now displaying classic dementia symptoms by repeatedly asking where mom is. His mind cannot process that shes gone.

Bring dad to his PCP as a start. Look into antidepressants which helped my mom a lot. They didn't stop the progression of the dementia, just kept her happier in general. She was able to perform ADLs for several years before she couldnt, at 92, and always recognized me too.

I'm sorry for the loss of your dear mom, and for your dad's pain and decline in all of this. It's an awful lot to deal with, I know. Best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

Yes. This may stop in its own time or it may never stop. His broken brain cannot compute, cannot understand, cannot fathom her being gone. That does mean that he has whole pockets of time believing she's still there and will soon show up. But has also to have the continual fresh mourning that she will not be.

I am so sorry for your loss and for hers. You don't seem to have a question for us, which is good, because things like this have no answer. Just a sad part of this life transition.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

First, I'm sorry for the loss of your Mom. I can only imagine what a journey that was for your Dad and family.

My Mom is 96 and does all her ADLs but she has a diagnosis of dementia. She has still has some short-term memory, but she Sundowns and confabulates, with paranoia. My point being that just because someone can do ADLs does not mean they don't have cognitive impairment. Dementia is progressive, and sometimes slowly shows itself. I would be watching your Dad for signs of depression, which would be very common for an elder in grief. Dementia can bring its own depression. My Mom is on the lowest dose of Lexapro and it helps her a lot.

May you receive wisdom and peace in your heart as you continue to adjust to the loss of your Mom and help your Dad through it as well.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Geaton777
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter