After a serious illness I moved my 86 year old Mom to the town I live in so that she could retain some semblance of independence with my care. She has steadfastly refused to try and make any new connections here, leaving me as her sole outlet/ companion. She has alienated my friends that in the beginning were kindly visiting her.I continually struggle as I am now giving her a level of care I never received from her. I am an only child. My husband and I have been given an amazing work opportunity in the USA, 5 hours from the town we all live in now. I am feeling so torn between my husband and the opportunity and the fact that I moved my Mom to where she lives now. I feel I can’t move forward in my life because she is so dependant on me. Friends say to me that, she made her decisions and so I should feel free to make mine. I feel such intense guilt.
Do set boundaries with her this time. She has to make her own friends and tell her you are experiencing the same thing with the move.
You might want to seek a couple of sessions with a councellor to see a different perspective. Talk to your PCP to see if your insurance will cover it
We aren’t meant to play the eternal child of our parents. We’re supposed to grow up and be who we are. Stop trying to reattach the umbilical cord. That would result in disastrous consequences.
So, you and your husband accept the amazing work opportunity. Yay! Then, your mother gets a choice. She can move to your new town, she can stay where she is now, or she can move back to where she originally was. But wherever she decides to go, she can't be so dependent on you.
What is her current situation? Is she living in your house or does she live somewhere else in your town?
How long has your mother lived near you? What kinds of things does she rely on you for other than social interaction?
My advice is take the job. But tell her that she can stay where she is, move back to wherever she was before, or move near to where you are going, and you will help her with all this BUT she needs to move to AL in one of those locations. By far second best would be she must agree to a daily home health aide that she will hire and if she doesn’t like them it’s her problem not yours. (In my experience, this has a high chance of failure). My personal opinion — don’t offer or agree to her living in your house. In my personal opinion, big mistake.
I get she will feel like you are destroying her life and abandoning her. I get that moving is hard. But you have to think of yourself and your husband.
My situation is somewhat similar. My dad was diagnosed with dementia in early 2021 but had been having serious symptoms for at least 3-4 years before that. My mom was very reliant on him for certain things throughout their marriage, and she was not coping well at all with caring for him and was unwilling or unable to take on doing what he had always done but could not do anymore. If I had ignored the situation, she would have just ignored it too. Like let him drive when he was obviously incompetent, let him handle the finances when he was making disastrous mistakes, etc. She was also totally unwilling to consider AL or MC for him. So I suggested maybe they could move near me and she agreed. That was in spring 2022. My dad declined steadily and passed away two years later.
Like your mom, my mom has barely made friends (she never had many her whole life) and refuses all suggestions of ways to engage other than me. She is really isolated by her own choice, but she would have been almost as much so had she stayed where they lived for decades also.
I have a bit of an issue with other replies that imply you “made her” dependent on you. I know it’s more complicated than that. She had a serious illness and was going to be more dependent on someone. You offered or agreed to help her more. (True, you could have refused then and I’m guessing she would have either had to go into a facility, hire in-home help, or would have slid into an unhealthy living situation that is often described in this forum.) It all hinges on this part: “so that she could retain some semblance of independence with my care.”
Luckily, I really like my job and can’t imagine moving for a different one, but I am wondering what might happen down the road when I retire if my husband and I want to move. I will likely have to have this same conversation if my mom is still alive and living in her own house.
All seniors should be lucky enough to have the financial means to live with autonomy in Assisted Living where they have their own place, their own friends, their own dining choices, activities and outings. Plus the care they need on a daily basis, 24/7.
Undo the unhealthy situation going on here so both of you can have a good life. Mom can go into AL where she's at or in the new city you're moving to. No cause or reason for guilt, either. Nowhere is it written we have to become care slaves to elderly parents and give up our own freedoms in the process.
Once you answer that I think we can better answer your question.
Until you let us know the answers to my questions above I will only say that if you moved your mother to you and caused her to be solely dependent on you, I think that you cannot make this move without including her as part of your family to be moved.
Complicates things, but you caused the problem and it is in your power to fix it (albeit with difficulty). Our actions have consequences. I am so sorry, but I am certain, if you managed all this once, that you can do it again.