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Just not sure what is the best thing to do. Should I be there waiting for her (room is decorated a bit with some of her favourite items and hospital bed) or should I just leave her with staff to get situated on her own?


She has good days then bad days, been a long hospital haul. I’ve seen her about 7 visits, 1 hr each time. She has no will to live, this is it for her.


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Zuzu, just based on my own personal experience I would say yes, be there to welcome her. Reason being my mom was transferred from one nursing home to another. The first one she was in we took her there from her home and settled her in. It went beautifully. But when they closed that place and she was transferred to the second one I was not there and heard from the staff that she was very confused and upset. Apparently she was wandering the halls saying my daughter won't be able to find me. I was so sad to hear this. Even now after her death five years ago I still think of this and it upsets me.

So, I would try to be there. I know there are those who say loved ones settle in better when you aren't there and you should leave them for two weeks. I strongly disagree with that but like I said I'm basing my answer on my own experience.

Good luck to you and your mom!
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earlybird Jul 15, 2020
Gershun,
Very good advice. Your post shows a lot of empathy and kindness. It was a good read.
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Yes, she needs a familiar face no matter your relationship. Its like a toddler and their first day of daycare. You stay for a while and then as soon as they pick up that toy and start playing, you sneak out. I may even visit a little each day, especially in your position. But not so much your in the way of the staff being able to do their jobs. Mornings in my opinion are not good. Getting residents up and dressed, down for breakfast, med passes, therapy. I always went in the afternoons.
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earlybird Jul 15, 2020
Great advice , JoAnn.
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I'm assuming she's going into LTC...I would say yes to hang out there and just make sure everything gets transferred correctly and she gets as settled as possible. She won't be happy for you to leave, but don't stay the night if you are not concerned about her health or med schedule, etc. You can play it by ear the following day(s) but a lot depends on if the facility is getting her medical needs and prescriptions correct and it's important to make sure they are. I also think it's good to introduce yourself the the staff and get to know them a little so you know who to ask for if there are concerns. I wish you all the best as you help your mom through this transition!
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Zuzu114 Jul 14, 2020
Thank you, your advice is much appreciated!
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If the facility is permitting visitors (most are not) and if your presence there would comfort her then help her settle in. But I doubt that you will be allowed in and I am sure your mom will be put in quarantine for a while.
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joelfmi118 Jul 19, 2020
I will say with first hand information since with my personal experience because my wife of 53 of marriage lost her life due to the virus on May 20th. she was dehydrated, malnourished caused by assisted living not be able to take care of her The decision to put her there was a very bad one which I regret. I did.

Andrew Cuomo the governor of NYS with immunity form prosecution,   allowed hospitals with positive cases to be sent to nursing homes and assisted living facility with hardly any PPE and no testing facility and staff leaving , infecting my wife and over 40,000 poor seniors with the terrible virus. He had the navy medical ship comfort and the javits center and a huge center in NJ. He not use then only to send the patient to their death He made sure his mother was taken out of the assisted living home before he sent the order out to move these hospital patients to nursing families and assisted living..

I want ever family  to know how unprepared these faculties,were and the way NYS governor took my wife life away and  the terrible way she passed away.   I am on a mission to have Cuomo be pay for his  maleficent action causing the death of our loved. by his actions. I I could would like to know what went through his mind when he did this.

Anyone family has gone what I experienced you must speak out for your loved one whom have died from getting the virus. please call or e-mail you elected officials for the sake of people that were lost because of what he did   Please answer this posting
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Hi Zuzu, Check on the Covid rules there and then, You be there with all the support you can give. If this is it, truly it, do all you can dear because you cannot go back. The most amazing days I ever had with my mom were the 3 years before she past. I was lucky as she was still mentally intack, for the most part up, until the end. She had dementia. She knew it. And it was a ride for sure. But honey you be there as much as you can as you are her familiar, even if it might not seem so in every moment. My mom lost her will to live because she did not feel useful. I made things up. One of the things was having her sort old Christmas cards by person. Now I really did not need this done, and yet... And she sure did and it lent to much joy and memory for her and me too. Good talks. And of course there were the frustrating moments when she could not quite remember who that was and I tried to fill in, but heh, I didn't remember either! Also I got staff to let her help fold hand towels and washcloths. It was a miracle. She was interacting and they loved her and her stories. I only wish I had thought of it sooner. And some days I would find her just sitting there with her head down. Looking back I know she was scared and lonely in those moments and just tired of the whole thing. I miss her more than I can say every day. You be there all you can be. She needs you. (from a former part time "bad gal" much loved caretaker too!)
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Zuzu114 Jul 18, 2020
Thanks for writing this barbaralou! Our experiences are very similar. I am taking things day by day, she has no will to live but ... every so often she brightens up.
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Thanks to all who messaged me here! The move went well but mom was sedated and didn’t even know I was there. Glad I went anyway. She’s settled in and getting to know the staff. Fingers crossed she gets stronger.
I visited the next day, bad day for her though. Staff told me today that she is making them laugh, some tears still.
By the way, I’m in Canada (Nova Scotia) and many covid restrictions are easing up. Masks and PPE were used to decorate her room. Now I await visitation appointments.
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I wasn’t aware that visitors were allowed in long term care facilities right now due to covid-19 restrictions. I’d discuss the risks for her, you, the staff and the other residents.
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Geaton777 Jul 14, 2020
Good point that I keep forgetting! Yes, Zuzu needs to ask if her staying a while will even be possible.
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My mother's nursing home will not allow anyone in right now.
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Definitely be there on intake to nursing home. No question about that.
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I have often heard from the people who staff these facilities to give the residents a few days to get "adjusted" and then visit. Of course, each case is different and I don't know the personalities. If they are very ill and dying, then I would say go with them at once - otherwise, wait a few days.
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