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My mother is 94, completely deaf, and has mild dementia. She doesn't talk so much as she has a very loud high-pitched screech. As she ages and the dementia progresses, I am unable to orient her to lower her voice. Due to her age and overall health condition, we have decided not to have any more surgeries and unnecessary interventions. I live with her in her home 24/7/365. We have nurse aides who come in 5 days a week to help me with her bathing. laundry, and other household chores and to give me some "down" time for shopping and my own personal activities. She isn't too hard to care for so I don't think she is ready to go to a nursing facility at this point in her life. The problem isn't HER problems, as it is MY problem dealing with her.

My big problem is that she "talks" too loud, or rather I should say, she "screeches" too loud. The other day I was bending down to put on her leg brace and she screeched directly into my left ear," I love you so much, and I don't know how I would manage without you." It was a very nice message but I was left reeling with ear pain and a near migraine headache for the rest of the day. I am beginning to suffer from tinnitus and hyper-acoustic bouts that total silence drive me crazy and I can't sleep with out some white noise.

I feel that if this situation continues, she will make me deaf. I have tried ear plugs but they seem to dampen down all noises. I still need to hear noises in the house. (She has left the water running in the bathroom with a wash cloth in the sink and I didn't hear it until I noticed the flood.) I need to be able to communicate with her and I also want to be able to live a reasonably normal life.

I went to the local electronic store to see if there was a device to dampen down her high pitched screechy voice and yet allow me to listen to the TV and the other noises about the house. All the devises that they had seemed to have were to help the hard of hearing to hear better. There are noise cancelling headphones, but they are so expensive that I'm hesitant to purchase them without a discussion about their pros and cons and to see if they are what I need.

Surely, I'm not the only person who has to live with this problem. What do you do keep your hearing and your sanity intact? Are there products out there that can filter out certain pitches and decibels without wiping out all sounds.

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WEll, first I offer my kudos to you for 24/7/365. No matter how much we love someone, caregiving is perhaps the world's toughest job. You mentioned ear plugs and it got me to thinking...I wear them when I ride my motorcycle. I have experimented with different brands available at Walmart. There are a couple of brands that let in more sound but still reduce sharp, piercing sounds. One brand in particular stands out in my mind. The container in which they are sold says they are good for use when travelling on planes. I tried them and could still hear a lot but the worst of the sound was dampened/muffled.

I am also wondering if you could get yourself a headset with "earmuffs" to listen to music or the radio.

I empathize with you.

Grace + peace,

Bob
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Get some inexpensive foam ear plugs that allow some protection. You will not have to endure this forever, so just be patient and love her for the time she has left.
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Try a cheap over the counter hearing aid for your mom, if it helps her hear herself, invest in a more expensive model that can be cranked up.
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My counselor told me our throats close up as we age which makes voices more raspy and irritating. A little wine helps my Mom's throat open up and makes her voice less screechy.

Asking her to lower her voice, you might try humor. Put your hands over your ears and demonstrate dramatically how horrible the hurt is. Might try writing in large letters on a posterboard, "Love you Mom, Please be a 'caregiver whisperer'!

Or write out AAAAGGGHHHHH on a card and show it to her every time she screeches. I just put my index finger up to my lips with a pained expression on my face when my Mom talks too loud. She is very hard of hearing so she is not aware of the effect of her loud voices. I also try to smile at her and show love with my expressions. Everyone needs love, and I think my Mom talks to me a lot just asking for love, affection and affirmation. I hug and kiss her now more than I used to.

In the meantime, yes, this is one of the hardest jobs on the planet but I am sure if you keep experimenting you will find some relief.
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Midkid58 I wear a hearing aid (since my 40's) and will not yell to be heard if the other person refuses to get help. Do you read to people who refuse to wear glasses? Do you chew their food if they won't see the dentist? Carry them if they won't use a walker? Speak once to your husband - if he can't hear you, have him come to you so you can speak directly into his ear. As long as you enable his behavior, he won't change. I know because I'm going thru the same thing w both husband and his father. One can't hear, other won't use the walker. Good luck!
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I wouldn't wear headphones if you are prone to migraines as the pressure band across the top of the head may make things worse, ear plugs are a better solution but you will still be able to hear. also try visual clues to your mom such as an index finger to the lips and a hand gesture indicating lowering the volume, making sure to have her focus on your instruction by a touching que. it can't hurt to try. good luck!
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My dad's Parkinsons caused his voice to become a whispery rasp like the godfather. Just a few sessions with a speech therapist and he was greatly improved. They have great methods to help! I suggest you stay with her during speech therapy so you can remind her and review when she forgets. We wrote the simple instructions on a big poster board where dad can see it. It really improved his quality of life and the way other people respond to him when he speaks nicely. Good luck.
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I have what I have recently disovered to be a "condition" called Misophonia. I am not one to take such labels on easily and everything that comes with it... however... I have been plagued with an unnatural dislike or repulsion for certain sounds that make me wonder if I'm normal. All that to say.... as a side note.... see if this applies to you.

misophonia website

Otherwise... I love HomewithDad's perspective of taking on a humoresque approach on how to deal with mom's loud noises. She will surely respond much better to a lighthearted approach than to a more "This is a serious problem" approach. You are coming across as very loving and wanting to be tolerant of your mom's screeching... so I'm sure she picks up on that... that you care...

In times of severe irritation, I have been known to use ear plugs and/or using an MP3 with wired-earphones to ease the sound I am having to deal with. Or I will turn on the radio/CD player when eating meals with my husband, and he knows why I do. He's come to accept this quirky thing of mine. I do love the making-cards and facial expressions and body language ideas for communicating to your mom how loud she comes across.

I'm so glad you spoke up and asked about this. Everything is relevant - especially things that can make caregiving even more difficult.

God's blessings to you as you seek Him for help...
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It is typical of anyone with a hearing deficit to talk louder. I myself wear one aide, but I have to remind myself to talk softer.
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Maybe if you got her a hearing device she could hear herself? Put on good quality stereo headphones and then talk to someone- we are hard wired to hear our voice- they will tell you to stop yelling! You were in the right isle.
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