I'm 25 yrs old and I will soon be my 80 yr old grandmother's caregiver. Any advice for a new caretaker?

"You're still so young, you should be living your life, not taking care of someone!"

I'm sorry, that is my first reaction to reading about your plans. I know that this is a done deal so it isn't completely appropriate of me to tell you this is a mistake, but I have some strong concerns.
1) Is this seen by your family as a temporary measure? Gramma could need care for another 15 years. Are you expected to do this until you are forty? If it is not permanent, what is the duration? A year? Two years? Until Gramma can be talked into Assisted Living? It can't be "until Gramma gets well" because that is not going to happen. How long are you supposed to put your job search "on hold?" Now, at the beginning, is when the expectations about how long you'll do this should be established.
2) Are you being paid for this work? With a 1099 that you'll pay taxes and Social Security on, or is this just supposed to be a lost period as far as your SS credits go? Even if you are not being paid what the work is worth, you should be paid something!
3) Has a respite schedule been established? To be an effective caregiver you absolutely positively have to get away from it periodically. So, what times to you have off, and how is the family covering those times? Do you get 3 hours off on Wednesdays to go to your bookclub and from Saturday noon to Sunday evening? Do you get a week off every four months? Has respite and breaks been discussed with the family that is pressuring you into this? Get that established before you start. It can be very difficult to get a schedule set up later.

You sound like a compassionate and intelligent young woman. I am sure you will be able to take good care of your Gramma. As issues and concerns arise (and they certainly will with two stubborn women in the house) come back and post with specific questions. We are all on your side, and hoping for a satisfying and successful experience for you!

Where are Grandma's other family members? Do they plan to do more than visit while you have full responsibility? This is a huge amount of emotional and physical work for someone your age.

The above #3 from jeanne is a must! There is a caregiver agreement document on this site that you need to read and have your family sign.

This a hugely noble act of love on your part and I am sure you will do a wonderful job; however, for your age, my advice is run like heck in the other direction and visit on weekends. How easily do you think finding a job 6 months or how about 6 years down the road? What about your plans for a family and future happiness.

Your family is very cruel to expect you to sacrifice your life for a few months or a few years, while they go about their business. Has an inhome health care agency been considered?

Think very carefully about this without the influence of your family. Good luck and God bless!

BF:

Caregiving is a team effort, so start developing a support network while you still have time. ... Also, there's nothing "selfish" with trying to have a life outside being someone else's lifeline. If caregiving is going to be your full-time job, find out how you can get paid for it. There's nothing selfish about this either.

For me, the most frustrating thing about caregiving is - added help. Lack of physical help from my other siblings. The first couple of months may be easy by yourself. But eventually, just you and grandma every day, all day, etc...will drive you crazy. Because you will miss eating out with your friends, or going to that once-in-a-lifetime live concert in town, or to go to the 4th of July parade or New Year's Eve with friends, etc...Even just to go to the Mall. Soon, you can't even do your daily walks or exercise at the gym...Because there's no one there to cover for you while you do this. Please don't expect your family to actually be there. They may at first, but as the years go by, they have THEIR own lives to live, eventually, and slowly, they will stop coming to help you. You need to figure out NOW how you will find time for YOU....I sure hope your family really will help you all the way to the end.

BriFantabulous, I am going to go against the others here and encourage you to continue your job search. You want to get into your field at an early age, not put it on hold for years. It doesn't mean that you can't take care of your grandmother, but continue to look while you are taking care of her. Make plans for how she will be cared for after you get your job. There are many options. So keep looking for that perfect entry level job. If a few years slip by, you may not have an opportunity in your chosen field. I am sure that your family would not want that to happen to you. Many of us here on the site realize that, when it comes to caregiving, years can slip by quickly.

Please don't do this, you are so young and you have no idea how long this can drag out. Please don't ruin your life like this. You will become resentful and angry and have problems with depression, lack of a social life, just please listen to what I am telling you. Let someone else do this for your grandmother. Please, Stormy

my son is your age and also has a degree in criminal justice. I think you are a very special person to consider this. I couldn't imagine my son doing this honestly i don't think its a good idea. Why do you think this is your responsibility did your grandma raise you.? I quit my job to take care of my mom. It is a 24 hour a day job. It is not easy. As noble as it is resentment occurs. This is not something that you should be dealing with at 25.. If you do decide to do this. Do you have support to do it? who will be with you. what about nights and week ends? God bless you

Bri, you gave in to family pressure to care for grandmother. I still think that the responsibility should be on grandmother's adult children. They have lived their life to the full while you are just starting yours. I can see you Helping your parent or aunt and uncle to care for Their mother but to pressure you to do it....I think is very selfish of them. Think about it. They had over 20years to do what they wanted in life: marry,have children,get a job and climb up the ladder,vacation, etc...

I'm sorry...it's just that I can't stop thinking of you and what you're being pressured to do. You know that this caregiving can drag on for years, right? I started on age 23 and I'm still doing it 24yrs later. But now both parents are bedridden.

I just feel so bad for you and what you will be facing ahead. Why can't any of your Mature elders care for their mother (or aunt)???

Sweet: Listen to us , you are too young to put your life on hold. Keep looking for work in your profession or something else like security officer etc. Does grandma have property the family would like to keep? That would be understandable but it is not your duty. How about relatives taking turns with grandma or a part time caregiver. You can help out and explain to grandma that you cannot be there 24/7. If this does not work, how about senior apartments. My Mom loved the social activity there. Do not get roped in, be honest with your family and tell them this cannot be a long time thing for you.
You have to be able to have a life and an income to take care of you. It is noble effort and I know because my grandmother raised me. Just don't do this at your age. God Bless

BriFantabulous, I had a longer post but I am changing it a little, and would just strongly urge you to live your life and not do this. If there is input from family, there is family that can share the responsibility. If they have already said 'yes' to you being a caregiver, I feel they are already sneaking away from helping and you will be left alone in it (critics will linger, just to comment but never help). Please live your life. I don't discourage you from helping, but don't take on primary responsibilities.

Everyone, thank you so very much for what you're saying!
I definitely do have a lot of think about.
Unfortunately, my family is dead set on doing this, even though I have expressed many of the same concerns you all have. One family member is opportunistic; she's only helping out because she wants to look good. She's been less and less helpful each day and I know she will eventually stop. My mom has been awesome, and she has said that she will help as well, so that I can have some time to myself and still go out and be 25. My other aunt lives father away and doesn't have a car and therefore can't be expected to help as much.
We've come to an agreement that I should be paid. All I ask is that it's enough for my student loans to be covered and then some, which shouldn't be hard to do.
Unfortunately, there isn't much support for someone outside of the family coming in to be a care provider, even at least part time. We don't have any therapists (physical and other) lined up at the moment. The hospital dropped the ball on that last time my grandmother had a stroke and always "forgot" to send someone out when we set up appointments. My family doesn't have much faith in outside sources of care, which is frustrating because I believe that they should explore their options.
It's been rather frustrating because I feel like they are being a bit unfair, but they don't think so. It's difficult to talk to them. Deep down, I know that I shouldn't be doing this, but at the same time, I'm probably the best one at the moment who can, being that the others have chosen their lives are more important. The only other person who could technically be able to do it (she has the time, she doesn't work, etc) is a bit of an issue though. She has stolen from my grandmother in the past and has not shown the slightest bit of concern of what's been happening. She hasn't even visited my grandma while she's been in the hospital. I don't want to trust my grandmother's care to that person.
I have told them today, however, that I do not want this to be a permanent thing. That I should have the chance to live out my life for a while and find a full time job and have my shot at "the real world" and that it's not fair for the youngest person in my family to be doing this, when there are adults who should be handling this. No one seems to be listening and all they've been saying is "It's so wonderful that you're doing this for us!".... I don't think they understand how I feel, even though I've tried to explain it to them.
I agree with what everyone here has been saying. I truly do. It's just that I'm stuck in this for the time being until another (better) solution is figured out.

Thank you everyone for what's been said. I'm glad that you all have been honest to a stranger and have show so much concern for me! It's been a lot more concern than what my own family has shown.... Thank you everyone. I really do appreciate it.

You need to get someone outside of your family to sit down and talk to everyone. Get those boundaries in place. You can talk to Grandma's doctor about having an inhome health care provider do an evaluation as to what kind of assistance she would qualify for inhome. Medicare will take care of this.

Have your family read all of these posts. Take care of yourself. God bless!

Bri, when it comes time, it is okay to say no. I'm finding myself angry at your family for thinking this is actually a good solution. I shouldn't, I know. I hope you find a good job soon. With all the family, you should be able to keep things covered. I wouldn't put off finding a job, because caregiving comes with some unusual side effects. Some of them were discussed in the "New caregiver in crisis" message in the discussion section. You're wonderful for wanting to help, but read the message and take it to heart. I am a pretty tough person, but have found myself suffering about half of the symptoms. Who would have thought?

I'll quit advising now, because I know you feel you have to do this. I don't know if it is because you are concerned they will be mad or if you feel obligated. I do think we are all obligated to help, but not to sacrifice your life at such an early age. There are too many other options. Maybe you can get a social worker in to see what options are available, since there is not a lot of money. These workers know about things that most are not aware of. And don't be afraid to try outside help. For every one apple with a worm, there are ten good ones.

No, BriFantabulous, you are not stuck with this. You are 25 years old. You don't have to do what your family decides for you. You can make your own decisions. If you are going to do this, at least be honest with yourself. You are doing this because you chose not to stand up for yourself. That is a choice. You have told them that you "don't want" this to be a permanent thing. But obviously what you want is not important to them. So how are you going to keep if from being a permanent thing?

What if you had finished school and taken a great job in Alaska or Japan or England? Then what would they do? The fact is you are not their only option, and if you weren't available they would be forced to find a more appropriate solution. They are behaving badly and you are enabling that.

I have 3 granddaughters your age (twins and a cousin) and I would be absolutely appalled if anyone expected, let alone pressured, them to take care of an elder full time. They are all working. None of them has found her career job yet. One has a serious boyfriend. One is going to graduate school. In other words they are all doing what they should be doing at age 25.

And if you are caving in to the pressure against your better judgment now, I think that handling a stubborn elder with a fierce sense of independence is going to be an absolute misery for you.

I am sincerely glad that your grandmother has been supportive of you. I'm glad you love her. I have been supportive of my granddaughters, too, and we love each other. So I would never ask them to give up their youth. What your family is expecting of you is outrageous.

You don't need to explain this to them any more than you already have. You don't need to convince them how you feel. You are entitled to make your own decisions about your life. Another solution is never going to be figured out. They have a solution that suits them perfectly. So set a deadline for how long you'll do this, or resign yourself to doing it indefinitely.

Dear Bri, you have received some magnificent advice from the people here - I hope you can take it in. I have a family with similar dynamics and I will share with you that it is essential that you get therapy. Think about when you are driving - there are blind spots right? When you have a family that deliberately ignores your well-being as an individual in favor of your role as a contributor to the family and has done so your whole life, you end up with some really big blind spots. That doesn't mean that there can't be real love and good aspects to your family, but this other dynamic can be very harmful. I feel that you need back up. First you have all the support here on this board. Next get some real life back up. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging and get a social worker assigned to come evaluate and advise for this situation. S/he will be able to back you up and present other options to your relatives. Now my guess is that your grandmother may refuse to even allow this social worker to evaluate her - you could insist and say it is a condition of your involvement (even if you aren't taking on the full deal). I wish you much insight and strength - you have a right to live your life. The fact that you are having a hard time getting started with your degree is all the MORE reason why you need to be free to put all your efforts into beginning your working life. Not a reason to set up a massive responsibility that will prevent you from doing so at all. Again why are they treating your future as if it doesn't matter? What gives them the right? Righteous anger can be a healthy thing channeled properly.

Bri, the comments are really worth listening to - it is really urgent that you start your working life - don't let your degree get "stale" or you'll find you have student loans and nothing else. The only way to get your career started is to make it a priority. Caregiving will turn into a deadend, time will pass and your family will do nothing to change arrangements which work for them, but eat you alive. Something to think about: I'm 67 and grew up in a time when a woman was told "marriage and family is what your future is - if you have a job it is just a pastime til you get married and then a man will take care of you." Well reality has changed, but changed. You have to be serious about your working life and your financial future from the get go. I am outraged that your family would even consider letting you be a full time caregiver. At your point in life, you need to get your working life in gear. There are other good options for your grandmother - whether your family like them or not is irrelevant. If you don't take care of yourself, no one else will. A large and essential part of growing into adulthood is learning to take care of yourself responsibly and not be used by family that just want you to serve their needs.

BriFantabulous, the phrase "family is dead set on doing this" caught my eye. They are dead set on yielding a death blow to your life, your career, your health, and your own retirement while they do nothing.

It is not that they don't understand how you feel. It is that they don't want to hear it. In other words to your family, your own feelings don't matter and that is pathetic. You need some healthy boundaries to protect yourself.

Why can't your mother take care of her mother or make sure she is cared for. Is this a set up for you to take care of her once her mother dies and she is old. I don't see any end in sight for this if you go along with it.

You are not their "little girl" anymore. You are a grown woman with a college degree and a future. Stand up for yourself. So what it might cause some hurt feelings. They sure don't care about you feelings do they?

BriFantabulous- I had to reread your question to make sure I was reading it correctly. I have a daughter your age who graduated last year. Starting a new career out of college can be difficult. In her case, she knew she wants to go into a legal field, just was not sure what. She took a part time clerk job at a law office to get some experience. Six months later, they made her a full time, salaried paralegal. Now she is studying for her LSATS and planning a wedding. You can't explore opportunities to get your foot in the door because you will be a full time caregiver. Youth is fleeting. It is gone in a blink. What your family is asking of you is to give up a time in your life you cannot get back. Covering your student loans is a bare minimum. If you do it, most definately draft an agreement. Set a timeline on how long you will do this. Are there some night classes you can take that would help you career-wise? Or are there professional networking groups you can join? If so, I would have your relatives pay for your classes and stay with grandma while you go to class. Or stay with her while you go to networking meetings. You sound like a very nice girl, but I suspect you will have to learn to stand up to your mother and relatives. What they are asking of you is just not right.

This is an idea, tell your family the only way you are taking on this full time caretaker of your grandmother is that you will be her power of attorney. This will give you an idea of where they may be coming from. With POA, you may be able to hire some in prof. home caregiving for GM. With you are working on your own life. You could check on your GM daily for a few minutes if you live near. You could possibly help her that way without giving up your own life. Perhaps you could room with GM at night most nights to save you money for a while. Just don't hand over your life to people who don't care about you much or GM. Selfish is the word.

Bri, I fullly agree with the others. Don't do it. Sure your family is pressuring you. Time to be assertive and say something like this: I love Grandma and I know she needs care but I am not the one to give the care to her. It is a good lesson in being assertive, a quality you will need all of your life. You will want to get a real job, seek out friends your own age, get a network of job references going, work on a pension plan, get more schooling, have a boyfriend etc. Like the others have said, youth is fleeting. Let the others look after your grandmother and you just visit her. You have to take care of yourself first.

Don't do it. My grandmother's only 74 years old and I'm 25 as well.

I cannot tell you how hard it is to work a full time job, try to buy a house with a fiance who wants kids in the next few years WHILE trying to take care of an elderly person I don't even life with!!

You're not even working. Where's the money coming from to help take care of her? I'm tired of my grandmother blow away her money while I'm trying to budget for bills. She's only getting paid social security. I can't dish out my own money to help her. Not while saving to put 25% down on a mortgage, and then save for a wedding afterwards.

I'm done. I'm dropping everything and applying for a retirement home for her. There is NO way to juggle the beginnings of your own life while helping someone through the end of theirs. It sounds selfish, but that's the truth. I've been helping my grandma since I was ..I don't know, 20? So...there you go.

Since I have done all of this in a nursing profession and now for my 87 yr. old husband, get some medical education. This stress is far worse than any workplace stress because you cannot leave it. Coping with stress while caregiving is an individual plan, do what you enjoy to do, get someone to watch your grandmother while you go do it, and come back with a new perspective. While it is admirable, ask yourself why you are doing this, how long you can manage to do this and what will happen if you do not do this. All questions for yourself and questions you should not be asking total strangers. My best to you and your grandmother.

I will give you a little of my experience. My children and I moved in with my grandmother and her disabled daughter/my aunt when we needed a place to go, long before she needed someone to be there for them. I made the mistake of never getting a place for myself and my children.

More than 5 years ago she started depending on me just to be here for company. Then 5 years ago she had a stroke. She is mobile with little problem. She has trouble communicating with close family getting her words jumbled and sometimes has a topic in her head and stays on it for awhile. She has been in the hospital multiple times with pneumonia and we didn't think she would make it home. She did everything for her daughter up until about a year ago. There have been MANY times I have felt trapped.

My mother is unable to help my father with caretaking of them. My uncle has had a bout of cancer which ties up his wife. My aunt lives and still works several states away. My cousin who did help with them while I worked outside the home injured her shoulder and can no longer lift. So that leaves me and the two ladies who come part time while I still work outside the home. Many times have felt I leave that job and come to the job at home. Don't get me wrong I dearly love my grandmother and aunt. It just gets to be a little much sometimes.

If you decide to go through with this please, please make sure your family knows: 1. you love your grandmother but you will continue looking for a job. 2. someone will need to step up and cover for you when you want time off. Don't tie yourself down like I did. If you take time off it will help you tremendously.
3. Don't beat yourself up if you get angry. Go to another room. Call the family for help. Call the family and vent. (My parents will probably never ask me to take care of them.) 4. Don't depend on anyone to pick up the phone one day and say "I'd like to come over and stay so you can have a day off". At least it hasn't happened to me yet.

I also have times that I resent that people/family don't come to visit them very often.

Hi there,
I just want to commend you for wanting to take care of your grandmother. You are such a dear to be willing to do this for her. I encourage you to not give up your life for her no matter how much you love her. As one of the previous comments stated, you will eventually grow resentful for the time that you had to give up in order to care for her. I love my mother dearly, but it has taken a toll on me and my family. I am 50 years old and have lived my life, you on the other hand are way to young to be providing full-time care for an elderly family member. There are many other ways in which you can show your grandmother that you love her. Trust me the best way that you can do this is to be there for her in other ways, not as a round the clock caregiver. I hope that I don't sound negative, I just do not want to see such a young lady get tied down like this. As I mentioned, we all love our family members, but this type of care takes a toll on you physically, and mentally. You have to litterally put your life on hold for them and you are just too young and have your whole life to live. Again, I am so impressed by your desire to do this for your loved one, but trust me when I say you will regret this. Isn't there other older members of your family that can help you out? I wish you and your grandmother all the best. I hope that all this made sense to you, and if you do still choose to be caregiver, please promise that you will ASK FOR HELP from others, and not do this ALONE. God bless you both.

Honey, I have to agree with almost everyone else here and say that you are very young to be taking on this responsibility. Caretaking certainly takes it's toll on a person and to be honest, I felt often, like I had no life. I became defined by what I did to help my mom and I was 53 at the time. You sound absolutely lovely and seem to have so much going for you. Being a fulltime caretaker shouldn't be one of the. Part time? Absolutely! Find day care for grandma so that you too, can go to work, socialize and have some semblence of a life. Once you are in the caretaking "rut", you're going to find that it's like a bubble that no one else wants to join you in. You lose touch with family and friends because you are so busy caretaking and...because your family and friends don't want to help as much as they might say they do. Sweetheart, I commend you for your beautiful heart but I am begging you to make sure your caretaking is only part time. There are other family members I'm sure and like I said, there is daycare. You can also go to something like "Care.com" to find someone who can watch grandma a few hours a day. DO NOT LOSE YOUR OWN LIFE. You're too young. I wish you good luck and lots and lots of hugs and good wishes to someone who seems like a wonderful granddaughter.