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My Mom worked and sent money to my sister who was a single mother with two children. My Mom worried they wouldn't have enough food and my sister profited by it. She won't stop - I've asked her to. HELP! She is still asking for money - hundreds a month it adds up to. She now uses her animals or ill health to emotionally blackmail my mother. I've explained Mom is in a home now and cannot afford to send her so much money and yet she continues to get her upset. I've inherited her now - I'm trying to wean her off - my husband and I are on a fixed income. She won't speak to me but just asked again for $200 for her pet deposit. My Mom is afraid she won't get the apt if we don't send it and she will be without a home. I want to satisfy my Mom yet not get duped by my sister and have to carry her forever. I am trying to be strong yet don't wish her any bad of course. I've explained about Mom needing her money and I am now on fixed income. My sister didn't work for years and years and I worked for 35 years - yet she's accused me of spending Mom's money I've never taken a DIME or asked for a DIME from Mom and I've cared for her for the past 25 years - the last 10 with my husband before she went into a home for dementia. It's just awful and God says take care of your family YET spare the rod spoil the child - I don't know what's right. It just makes me SICK cause I'm really like my Mom and want to make sure she is OK - yet she needs to stand on he own two feet cause all of us won't always be here cause we're all older - she's 50 and hasn't worked for 30 years being on assistance. She's nasty with me, acused me of spending 'it' and of 'untrust of her' - cause she sees me as her 'block' between what she can get from Mom but I am committed to Mom to protect her and care for her and have done so as PA for the past 15 years cause she also has macula degeneration. Morally and emotionally my sister is corrupted I believe - I am ripped in the center here cause she's my baby sister with ill health now and yet she's accusatory and nasty also when she doesn't get what she wants. I will not ever let her be homeless or hungry yet - she can leverage this caring cause she's in California and we never really know if she's being totally truthful cause she can play on emotions like none other!! HELP!


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1. Option: Mom is in skilled nursing with dementia. You don't ask people in the situation for money and you don't make them worry about you or ask them to take care of you when they now NEED care. Pure and simple. Done. Why are you even considering that it might be OK - because your mom, with dementia, and your entitled, sponging sister insist they should be able to keep doing it? Above all, remember mom is where she is because of dementia and her placement of guilt and blame is not going to be any more sensible than it ever was - it is going to be even less.

2. All right, Maybe there is some reason the requests are not just totally out of line. I can't think of what it is, but you have written to us in the form of a question suggesting that maybe there is some doubt in your mind. Write out your budgets. Document what is spent on Mom's needs if you haven't. Figure out how much you could actually give, and maybe give it non-contingently on begging, OR - maybe you really need to put it into an emergency fund instead in case somethng more serious comes up. Find out how much Mom can actually afford to give away and let her have that pleasure - if it is 35 dollars a month 10 to charity 25 to sis, fine; if it is realistically a litlte more, fine; bearing in mind as already pointed out , that large amounts given away can disqualify someone for Medicaid if they need it. NORMALLY, a person gives their SSI check to the care facility and is allowed a small personal allowance. But, maybe there is something more going on.

$200 for a pet deposit if it was really just one time might not be too much - but if it is $200 now then pay my water bill or I'll be evicted then pay may cell phone bill or I won't be able to call you, uh-uh. Get an elder mediator involved to help you play bad cop. Enlist help from the facility to block requests for money. Make sure you and not mom or sis have all the checkbooks and credit card numbers.

If all that fails, if sister still just irresponsibly keeps begging and imposing on Mom and you, tell her she quits asking for $$ or you will report her to APS for abuse of a vulnerable adult who can't say no to her, or you will get a restraining order. Not sure if either of those things are practical, but if the sponging has to stop before someone is irreparably harmed, then it has to stop.

Sorry you are faced with this. I am in a similar spot with my daughter who has almost no income because she and her beau are volunteer firefighters and have medical problems. I pay her medical insurance until she can get PPACA coverage, and we put some gas in their tanks and donate a little to the fire company. I'm waiting and praying for the drama machine to run down. LOL. I had to pull the plug on some inappropriate use of my credit cards and that was painful but I did it. I have said no to a lot of things, and yes to others. We take them out to eat with us once a week and they can bring a friend or two but not the whole fire company. Not easy - as they say nowadays, "I feel ya."
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Don't let her manipulate you any more. She's creating a wedge between you and your mother, which I'm sure is her exact intention, and she's using your mother to guilt you into helping her.

This needs to stop or you're going to be subordinate to her needs for the rest of her life. Unless she has physical problems and can't work, she needs to grow up and be responsible for herself.

Be aware though that she'll attempt to further alienate and manipulate your mother in order to get to you. Give some thought to how you want to prepare and protect your mother, but let your sister grow up at last and be responsible for herself.
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She will never stop asking until you stop giving it to her! Believe me, I have seen this go on and on in my husband's family! It wasn't until his Mom passed away, and his Dad came to live with us (11+ years now), that his (then) 50+ sister and brother quit asking for money from the Old Man. My husband out right told them both to quit, and now they would have to go through us, to get to him, as the Old Man won't answer the phone, and they both live out of state and haven't even been to see him in over 11 years! They will even still try now and then, but we have "trained his Dad to say No, as the money that he does have, needs to last him the rest of his life. Its an awful position to be in!
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It reminds me of my alcoholic brother who bled my parents all of his life until his death. My mother could never tell him no. Some years she gave him over $10K. We would tell her to stop, but she would say, "He's my son." There was nothing anyone could do to stop her. Sad to say that the family was relieved when he died. No one knew what to do with him. I hope it doesn't get to that point with your sister.

The things that really stood out to me is that she is living in one of the most expensive states in the nation, though he is unemployed. She receives disability, but still has pets. It sounds like she is living far beyond her means and expects others to supplement her.

Macular degeneration can be a serious handicap, but she is receiving assistance and needs to adapt her life to it. I worried about what would happen to your mother if she needed to apply for Medicaid. All that money given to your sister would be viewed as a gift and could disqualify her for receiving help for a while. You need to talk to your sister about this. Maybe she'll also start considering your mother and look for ways she can live within her means.
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Contact Adult Protective Services and ask for their advice. Shame on your sister!
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BTW, some kids have the idea that their parents are secretly sitting on millions. My alcoholic brother had this idea. It wasn't true. My parents were secretly sitting on thousands.
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I recently went through a situation just like this. I wrote a letter to my sister that has taken money from my parents her whole life and explained the situation. It is now the time to take care of our parents not visa versa. I explained in general terms that mom needs her money that she worked for all her life for HER care no one else's. I sent copies to all siblings and my mother so everyone was on the same page. Also be aware of the gifting rules and penalties your mom could incur if she ends up needing help from the government.
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Just say no, I know that sounds cruel but she is asking for money for a pet, not to feed herself or her children.
It's funny but when the cash cow dries up people find another way to get the money they need or learn to live within their means.
If your Mother is spending her own money for the Memory Care facility and will run out of money eventually, Medicaid will look back 5 years and gifting money to her kid will be a Divestment. You are not doing your Mom any favors because they could give her a Medicaid Penalty for the money she gifted to her daughter.
Check with the local Medicaid office but 5 years is a long time to look back.....
This might be the perfect reason to stop the bleeding of the bank account!!
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I agree contact APS. It is time for sister to be an adult take responsibility for herself. I think Mom is more important than a dog! Nursing home care is very expensive and it is highly likely your Mom will run out of money. If she can't get Medicaid because she gave her money away what will happen to her?
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Are you your mothers legal guardian or do you have a POA for her? Or is your mom still handling her own finances? In my experience the only way to win with a toxiic person is not to play. Their drama is not your drama. "Sorry, no. Sorry no." You don't have to explain or feel guilt. Just say "Sorry no.
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