I am trying to do the right thing but I'm fed up. Having read a number of other postings about abused children taking care of their aging abusive parents-please tell me where is it written that we have to do this- while we may have agreed initially we can relinquish this at any time and walk away!

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Here is what well-respected therapist Pauline Boss has to say about that subject, in her book "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia" (This particular passage is not specifically about dementia.)

"Taking care of someone who years before was abusive or neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive is dangerous. Feeling as if you want to retaliate is also dangerous. These are justifiable reasons for NOT being a caregiver."

Does she then suggest you just walk away? Not exactly:
"Each case is different, but with most, I encourage some kind of continued management -- often through a social worker -- to make sure that the caregiving team or the nursing home professionals are treating your family member well. This may be the best you can do given your history together."

I agree with you, Katherine, there is no rule you have to take care of your abusive parent. If you are going to care, if might be better to be the POA who makes decisions, but NOT the hands-on caregiver.

If you are going to relinquish the POA and there is no alternate named, it might be a good idea to inform APS and/or her doctor that you think she needs some supervision but that you can't do it.
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Katherine can you tell us a little more about Mom and what you are dealing with.
If you are not able to control her maybe it is time for a facility. Are there other children or relative who would be willing to take over from you?
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