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Struggling. I have a full-time job in education, a part-time job teaching college, a husband who works full time in the house, and two young children, all while trying to care for my mom who is fairly independent but has COPD, 7 liter/24 hr oxygen and a lot of personal care needs. It all has gotten to be too much. Mom moved in 10/2019 and came to us with alcohol and medication abuse that no one realized was as bad as it was. She was on hospice for years out of state living in an AL, which we helped get her settled in, b/c her doctors said she “didn’t have a lot of time left” since her condition was so poor - then after the first six months living with me/my family, I was able to get things under control and regulated with the help of the nurses, and hospice released her in June 2020, since she was stable and doing so much better. We had come to find out that her breathing and COPD and overall mobility Was made worse by her alcoholism and dependence on narcotics. The first 6+months after she moved in took the biggest toll on my family and I. I am feeling burnt out, feeling resentful, feeling horribly guilty, and not present for my family, my mom, or my work. My mental health and physical health has been deteriorating because of it. My husband has been a supportive saint but he too has had physical effects of the stress and lack of presence and peace in our home. What was once a safe haven (our home) is now seen and felt as the personal caregiver space for my mother. I’m looking for guidance on how to start the conversation in an honest way, because we have a place we are hoping she can be accepted into. The biggest battle is the fact she has no assets and very little money, so there are layers of guilt about not being able to have her move into a high-caliber living arrangement. Grateful for any guidance or help from others :)

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This reply touched my heart - THANK YOU! I have faith we will get through this all for the safety and sanity of all of us. Life is hard, these choices are so difficult and guilt ridden - sending warm thoughts your way as the difficult road continues for you.
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Reply to NKSTUmom
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I feel for you. When my dad passed my mom could not live independently so I moved her in. It was a very difficult 16 months for all the reasons you're experiencing. I sold her house and moved her to assisted living. She was shocked and angry but at the time it was either my mental health or moving her. I had to make a similar decision when I moved my dad to a nursing home before he passed. Emotionally they were the most difficult decisions I have ever made and have the greatest empathy for you having to do this. Unfortunately I'm at that cross road again and dealing with this decision once again since I'm faced with possible leaving AL and going to a nursing home. As difficult as it is for everyone, life does go on and somehow we managed to survive. She may be angry and the guilt will tear you up as it has me but unfortunately we have to play the hand we're dealt. I wish you the best but know you're not alone in these difficult decisions and struggles. Once we moved my mom I felt like I could breath again and slowly regained our family life. The decision will be worth getting your life back, I promise you that better days will be ahead.
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Reply to Bythesea20
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Thank you for taking the time to write and share your advice. I agree wholeheartedly. Much appreciation!
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Reply to NKSTUmom
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The best way is the honest way: to tell her flat out that your intentions were honorable, but that it is not working for you to have your Mom living with you. The fact she has no assets is not your fault, but you do owe your family and yourself a debt of obligation to your own lives ongoing. I would tell her you will help her find the best circumstances you can under the limitations of assets, but that this is not open to argument and discussion.
This is going to be made doubly difficult by the fact you moved Mom in. It is my hope that at that time you discussed with her that this may not work for your family but that you will give it a try. If not, this will be a shock. I would assure her you will wait until covid vaccinations are done, and she is safe for a move.
I am sorry. Not everything can be fixed. This is going to be full of grief and sadness. I sure do wish you luck, but there is no way to dress this up.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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