I'm exhausted. I wrote recently about my situation. I'm 62 and my husband is 82. We've been weaving though this diagnosis following a severe concussion. While I am the primary caregiver and have accompanied my husband to all visits, etc and am home nights and weekends, we have caregivers daily who allow my to go to work. I wrote previously because he has been very upset that I want to visit our daughter on the East Coast for 5 days. It will be wonderful to have a few successive days NOT thinking about care, schedules, doctor visits, and the predominant anger and frustration he has developed and takes out on me. I understand he feels very insecure and vulnerable and wants someone with him 24/7. If I need or want time for myself ... I am "selfish" and "unsympathetic". When I explained to him that I'm beginning to not feel so good and worry a bit about what we'd do if I get sick, he replied "you have family who love you. They'll take care of you". Meanwhile his emotional state is one of depression, fear and is consumed with this condition (that has been diagnosed as "mild" at this point). I tried to calmly explain that it's not my personality to truly "baby" someone but if you need an ally; someone who is relentless in arranging for caregiving, being there one-on-one as much as humanly possible, encouragement to not give in or give up, to embrace what we have and move forward, I'm your girl. My heart pounds and I'm sick to my stomach each time I need to talk with him about something I know will set him off. Last night he told me he for the umpteenth time that he made a mistake when he married me. That he thought I had better character than I appear to have and how can I leave him alone in his condition? That once 30 years ago when I didn't feel good, he came right home to be with me. And that that's the kind of person he is. I try not to show how deeply I'm hurt by him. It feels like he's a bottomless pit of neediness, fear, insecurities and helplessness and will say any unkindness when provoked. All of this is on top of a history of him getting or feeling sick whenever if I ever want to go somewhere. As it is I no longer have even one friend because: largely because I don't have the freedom to see people. He wants me to want to be, and want to be with him, all the time; no matter how good or bad he treats me. I'm suffocating. How do I support him and stay positive? Why is it such a fight for me to have any things to look forward to? He has been afraid of aging and dying for years and now he has a condition he's really throwing himself into it :0(((. He's miserable; I'm miserable. I think you wouldn't know if if you met me on the street -- I'm pretty good a keeping things bottled up but I know it can't be good on the old body. Ugh….I feel like iI've always done everything for him and it's impossible to fill the bucket. Why doesn't he understand or seem to care about me - and my one and only life - as much as I care about him? What does he behave like he (and his condition) are more important than me? I'm going to be late home tonight (the caregiver is staying) so I can pinch my nephew's baby's little cheeks on the way home. Know I'm going to pay for it though. I rambling … and probably need help. I don't know what else to do for him to "love" me. If in my rambling you see something that makes you think I'm the problem - throw that out there too! I'm just so drained and hurt I can't see it.
Your husband is self-centered and manipulative, and he's frightened that he's old and ill. I'm afraid it will only get worse. Some people bear aging and physical disability with grace and dignity. Others do not. Hoping that you'll find the magic formula to make him love you and treat you with more consideration is unrealistic. He probably does love you, in his own way, but he's too wrapped up in himself to give much thought to how you're feeling. There's probably some jealousy going on too, as you're younger and healthy, and able to do things that he can't.
Next time he tells you he shouldn't have married you, consider that the subtext may be, "I'm sorry that the difference in our ages resulted in me being so dependent on you. You would have been better off with someone your own age."
Try giving him reassurance that you love him, but be careful not to fall into the trap of giving in to his demand that you not visit your daughter. It's not like you're leaving him home alone with a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter for five days.
Be strong and go see your daughter.
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How do you keep from walking out the door and keep going? I am 60 and I have a lot of life to live. But, his health problem should not effect your health. (Which it will) What happens to him, if he outlives you?
You are going to have to set boundaries now, or he is going to suck the life, right out of you.
Yes, keep your job. That is probably your retirement and health insurance.
Another thing, when your hubby is having a clearer thinking day, tell him that 1 out of every 3 Caregiver passes on leaving behind their love ones.... if you don't get some reprieve, that will happen to you... then what would he do?
I worry about that with my parents who still live on their own being in their 90's. I can't even go to the movies or eat out because I am consumed with worry and guilt. Same issue with my friends, they stopped calling because I was always saying "sorry, can't join you".
He behaves as though he's more important than you because that's what he believes. Right now, in his mental and physical condition, it's allll about him. What HE wants. What HE needs. He is not the same man who married you, and he doesn't even know it. But YOU need to REMEMBER it.
You simply have to take back control. Look at it this way: You're no good to either ONE of you if you're a mess. Your #1 Priority right now is who?? It's YOU. Don't forget that DFD. It's not him. It's you.
Take your trip and have a wonderful time!! Whatever you've arranged in regards to his care, have faith in it. Just go and have fun. You deserve it. And, more importantly, you need it.
Arrange care giving for two or three evenings a month for yourself 6 PM to 10 PM or some-such. Rekindle some friendships that have fallen away. Go window shopping. Go to a lovely restaurant and enjoy a delicious meal. Take your Kindle along. Go see a chick flick. ;)
If you immerse yourself 100% in your husband's illness, it will destroy you. Seriously. When he rants, leave the room; go to wherever your sanctuary is and zen out. Try to re-engage later with a bowl of ice cream or something. He'll get the hint.
*hugs*
And for God's sake, don't quit your job. It's there you'll get much of the sustenance you need to keep a handle on reality.