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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
There's a book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. Its Christianed based. You may want to read it.
Its all up to you. Does their independent living offer 3 meals a day and transportation? To live independently they must be able to do their ADLs.
"The Six Basic ADLs Bathing: Washing your body and doing basic grooming like brushing teeth or hair.
Dressing: Choosing clothes and putting them on, including managing buttons or zippers.
Eating: Bringing food from a plate or bowl to your mouth.
Transferring: Moving between a bed and a chair, or getting up and walking.
Toileting: Getting on and off the toilet and cleaning yourself.
Continence: Controlling your bladder and bowel functions."
If you are doing any the above for Mom and Dad they need to be in an Assisted Living.
"Instrumental Activities of Daily Living which are more complex tasks needed to manage daily life within a community.
Managing and taking medications
Preparing meals and cooking
Managing money and paying bills
Doing housework and laundry
Shopping for groceries or essentials
Using transportation or driving"
I feel as we get older we may need someone to help us with bills. But, if you have to do any of the above for them, they are not independent and need Assisted living. Make a list of what you do for your parents. Then find out what the Independent living can provide even there is a fee. Then tell your parents you too are getting older and can't do everything for them. They must take advantage of what is available. Maybe have them evaluated for a higher level of care.
Maybe if you can get them into an AL, you can back off. I allowed the staff to do their jobs. If Mom needed a change, I told an aide. I did Moms laundry but they would do it. They cleaned her room. They bathed and dressed her. Me I handled her money and saw that her personal needs were stocked. If you are POA, nothing in those papers says you have to be there for them 24/7. Nothing in there says you have to physically care for them. You just handle their finances. ALs have transportation to Dr visits and shopping. Your County Office of Aging may have transportation.
Margaret in the comments is right. It may be time for your parents to be in assisted living if they aren't coping independently anymore. I was a staff supervisor at a very nice AL years ago. These places can be a blessing. Check out a few. In the meantime, you can't let your parents neediness hijack your life. You can't make them happy nor should anyone including yourself, expect you to. Don't blow up your own life jumping through impossible hoops for them to try annd make them happy. You aren't young yourself anymore and you have to think of your own health and plan for your own old age. Look into assisted living or homecare companions for them.
See a therapist to identify and learn how to defend your boundaries.
From your profile it doesn't seem like you're living with your parents, which is good. But no one can manipulate you unless you allow it. Even if you're an only child or solo sibling it doesn't change this. Self-inflicted guilt, burnout, depression are all real for caregivers. That's why you need help from a therapist.
Your parents' bad mood is like bad breath: they can have it if they want but it doesn't mean you have to stick around and breath it in. Boundaries.
Your profile says that your mother is 87, lives in independent living, and is “manipulative and controlling”. You want a “way to extricate myself” for your mental health. It’s possible that independent living is getting to be too hard for her, and for your father. As a result they want more help, company, assistance etc from you, and feel that they are "entitled" to take over your life and free time.
If you think this might be at least a part of what is happening, perhaps you could take them to visit a nice Assisted Living place, which could meet their needs better at this point.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Its all up to you. Does their independent living offer 3 meals a day and transportation? To live independently they must be able to do their ADLs.
"The Six Basic ADLs
Bathing: Washing your body and doing basic grooming like brushing teeth or hair.
Dressing: Choosing clothes and putting them on, including managing buttons or zippers.
Eating: Bringing food from a plate or bowl to your mouth.
Transferring: Moving between a bed and a chair, or getting up and walking.
Toileting: Getting on and off the toilet and cleaning yourself.
Continence: Controlling your bladder and bowel functions."
If you are doing any the above for Mom and Dad they need to be in an Assisted Living.
"Instrumental Activities of Daily Living
which are more complex tasks needed to manage daily life within a community.
Managing and taking medications
Preparing meals and cooking
Managing money and paying bills
Doing housework and laundry
Shopping for groceries or essentials
Using transportation or driving"
I feel as we get older we may need someone to help us with bills. But, if you have to do any of the above for them, they are not independent and need Assisted living. Make a list of what you do for your parents. Then find out what the Independent living can provide even there is a fee. Then tell your parents you too are getting older and can't do everything for them. They must take advantage of what is available. Maybe have them evaluated for a higher level of care.
Maybe if you can get them into an AL, you can back off. I allowed the staff to do their jobs. If Mom needed a change, I told an aide. I did Moms laundry but they would do it. They cleaned her room. They bathed and dressed her. Me I handled her money and saw that her personal needs were stocked. If you are POA, nothing in those papers says you have to be there for them 24/7. Nothing in there says you have to physically care for them. You just handle their finances. ALs have transportation to Dr visits and shopping. Your County Office of Aging may have transportation.
From your profile it doesn't seem like you're living with your parents, which is good. But no one can manipulate you unless you allow it. Even if you're an only child or solo sibling it doesn't change this. Self-inflicted guilt, burnout, depression are all real for caregivers. That's why you need help from a therapist.
Your parents' bad mood is like bad breath: they can have it if they want but it doesn't mean you have to stick around and breath it in. Boundaries.
If you think this might be at least a part of what is happening, perhaps you could take them to visit a nice Assisted Living place, which could meet their needs better at this point.