Advice on guilt?

You can only do what you can do Amac. I felt guilt when I had to transition my mom into a nursing home. But if I had not she would of definitely not made it. She lived another year and a half in the nursing home with the excellent care she was receiving. I think she would not of lived much longer at home even with all I was doing for her. Don't beat yourself up about it. Its only been three days since you placed her. Give it time. For all you know she might thrive and do very well there.

We tried for about a year to take care of our mom at home. She was not bed ridden but it was just too much for us to do. She fought the help that tried to come into the home to wash, meals or housekeeping. She is doing better now with the 24 hr care at assisted living. They are great. Some of us can't do it all.

Amacmon , you have not done anything to feel guilty about and no one can do it all for we are only human and superhuman does not exist. The people who work in nursing homes can handle what they do because they work in 8 hour shifts and then get to go home. I'm glad to hear that your mother is doing better with 24/7 care in assisted living. Please be nice to yourself and do something good for you today.

Don't be so hard on yourself! You got your mum the additional care and support she needs at this time. That is love. I hope she adjusts well and that this gives you both the opportunity for more quality time together.

We have a saying here: Let go and let God. Sometimes you nee dot turn things over--and turning them over to professionals is just a notch under God.

You are a good son to have done what you have done for so long. Now it is time to reflect on gratitude. We can be grateful that:

your mom had you to take care of her so long,

that you had so much time together,

that she wil get the care she needs,

that you can visit as often and long as you wish,

that she will be safe an get her meds,

that you can begin to have a life for yourself.

Capital G no longer stands for guilt--it stands for gratitude.

Big hug!!!!!!!

I love Jeanne's list; and if you're still feeling down here's a suggestion about what to do next - make good friends with your mother's care home staff and visit as often as you sensibly can. Although they are usually too professional to say much out loud, the staff have strong opinions about their residents' families; and children - especially sons - who are conscientious visitors tend to be very popular with them as long as they're not meddlers or drama queens.

I wish I could say that these feelings go away quickly but they don't. Trust in your actions, keep busy and give time time

You've done right by your mum. She will get much better care than you can provide at home. There's absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. I'm also a son who has had to care for my moms needs, bathroom, bathing and so on. There's no reason why men can't do this for their women loved ones but it can be
awkward for reasons of modesty. I know that when my mom gets to the point where she needs constant assistance for these things we will both be more at ease if she has home care or assited living.

Just stay in touch with her and drop in at the care home often, not necessarily on a regular schedule. See if you can do occasional outings with her or attend activities if that would be enjoyable. No guilt. You did what you and mom needed done under the circumstances. One person typically can't do it all alone when it is the level of care that is normally managed with three shifts of aides and nurses a day.

I know all about guilt. Jeanette said it best on "my whine moment".
Sometimes guilt is just being tender hearted and there is nothing wrong with that except when it interferes with your life.

I felt guilty the whole time my Mom was in the nursing home even though I knew she was getting better care than I could provide her with.

Now that she is gone I feel guilty that I am not grieving enough. When does it stop? I don't think it ever does if you are this type of person. But the people who never feel any guilt or usually pretty self-centered. Count your self lucky you are not one of them.