Advice on guilt?

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I'm my mums only carer but had to put her into a care home home today I'm feeling very guilty and depressed , I tried to keep her at home but it has got to much for me. She has been bed wetting will not keep her pads on , wants to stay in bed all the time and her personal hygiene was not good. Iv felt run ragged changing wet beds changing wet clothes and putting my mum into the shower really not a nice thing for a son to do, but you can't leave her in a wet. Bed and clothes, I hope the care home works out for my mum .

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NOW YOU GET TO SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH MOM. Don' t feel guilty
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KNow you did your best, know you did the best thing by realizing perhaps you were not up to it to give mom the best care she needs.Pat yourself on the back. Give mom time to settle in, see her once a week or more if you can. Bring treats, happy face, dance with mom, take her out for a treat, or walk in the park If she complains, tell her you have frozen food in the car and you need to get it home
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I understand how you feel. My dream is to put mom in a nice facility where she would have hot meals and company when I'm not with her. I know I will feel guilty when that time comes. You deserve a life. I remind myself that these our our good years. My mom is at home, I'm with her almost every day, and I still feel such guilt! Guilt that I didn't take her to a movie, that I didn't cook more, drive her around with me during my errands. I love Salisbury's list. I will try to adjust my attitude.
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vstefans Its only been 3 weeks since my Mom passed but one thing I will try to do to honor her memory is be as kind and unselfish a person as she was.
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Aw, Gershun...its been years for me and I still ache and feel a little defensive about my choice to use facility care for my mom too. I spent a lot of time but did not move away or give up my job and career which supported my family... I "might could" have decided otherwise, and maybe will never know whether it could have worked out or even been better. I still think of that sometimes, because not long after my mom passed, about a year and a half after moving her here, a job in my field opened up in my hometown. But, some of the other decisions we made are a lot more comfortable now in retrospect, if it helps any. Maybe that will happen for you too but it does take time and I think we are stuck gong over the what ifs and the should've-could'ves for a while at least.

That mixture of relief that the caregiving and the suffering and anxiety are over - along with the grief - makes most people feel guilty. But it is pretty normal, and to have a feeling that you were there when it mattered and that you fulfilled your loved ones needs or saw to them all appropriately is a gift in itself. You come to realize that there was no way that they could have lived forever, and that the natural order of things is for you to be the one to go on. Bittersweet...that's the word for it. Grief does not go away exactly, but changes with you as you grow, and if you follow it honestly and learn form it, you will definitely grow.

Do something cool and special to honor her memory - it may help you a great deal too. I do this (posting here) and joined the Personal Genome Project in hopes of giving something back; mom my was a nurse and was in the Nurses' Health Study which benefited me (sadly, not her!) So I gave some gifts to them and publicized them on Facebook a little too.
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I know all about guilt. Jeanette said it best on "my whine moment".
Sometimes guilt is just being tender hearted and there is nothing wrong with that except when it interferes with your life.

I felt guilty the whole time my Mom was in the nursing home even though I knew she was getting better care than I could provide her with.

Now that she is gone I feel guilty that I am not grieving enough. When does it stop? I don't think it ever does if you are this type of person. But the people who never feel any guilt or usually pretty self-centered. Count your self lucky you are not one of them.
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I wish I could say that these feelings go away quickly but they don't. Trust in your actions, keep busy and give time time
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All about putting mom or dad ion home my wife goes in tomorrow a lot different I dread all I will have todo is goto nurseing for a little while each day for 10 or so yrs so sad
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I love Jeanne's list; and if you're still feeling down here's a suggestion about what to do next - make good friends with your mother's care home staff and visit as often as you sensibly can. Although they are usually too professional to say much out loud, the staff have strong opinions about their residents' families; and children - especially sons - who are conscientious visitors tend to be very popular with them as long as they're not meddlers or drama queens.
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We have a saying here: Let go and let God. Sometimes you nee dot turn things over--and turning them over to professionals is just a notch under God.

You are a good son to have done what you have done for so long. Now it is time to reflect on gratitude. We can be grateful that:

your mom had you to take care of her so long,

that you had so much time together,

that she wil get the care she needs,

that you can visit as often and long as you wish,

that she will be safe an get her meds,

that you can begin to have a life for yourself.

Capital G no longer stands for guilt--it stands for gratitude.

Big hug!!!!!!!
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