Advice on dealing with elderly dad basically committing suicide by refusing treatment of multiple dental abscesses?

I would make that attempt, but as I replied to Odegar23, now that he has stubbornly drawn the line, the conversation is over--any further attempts at discussion will be ignored or likely generate a hostile response.  He's essentially gone into my-way-or-the-highway mode.

I have a hope that maybe once all the neighbors in their large condo complex find out what he's doing, they'll overwhelm him with "You crazy, man!" and he'll change his mind by brunt of sheer numbers plus embarrassment in the neighborhood arena...

I agree with your point-of-view. As I stated in another reply, it's galling that Mom and I have to wait through the physical cascade failure and all its attendant nastiness, first. Forcing us to suffer watching the inevitable is just not right, especially after all the negativity he injected into our family over the years. Were I physically a cat, my ears would be back, my fur on end, and I'd be lashing my tail.

Fortunately, Mom has been fielding the finances for many years--Dad's pension and SS get deposited to an account with only immediate family female access. I'm pretty sure she has the condo title properly arranged, since she oversaw the mortgage restructuring after Dad pushed them into bankruptcy. She also signed him up with the Neptune Society, so wherever he shuffles off his mortal coil, they'll be there to handle the remains and process them to cremation. So, when all is said and done, Mom is covered for the resulting paperwork, etc.

It just...hurts my heart. He's my dad, yet my feelings mean nothing to him with regard to the pain and suffering he'll experience. My words, my love, all without worth. This is the hard part, right now. When there's no true answer to the question of why...

Thanks for your reply. I don't believe my dad has any faith-based persons in his orbit at the moment. I remember that he was attending a local church prior to the pandemic; then my mom mentioned he'd stopped attending and hadn't resumed.

As for myself, I would describe myself as spiritual, but I don't follow any structured religion. Mom and I reside in Washington State, while my sister is in Oregon. I find myself alternating between sadness and an intense frustration that my dad, typically a logical and rational person (he taught math at a number of levels), is now refusing to receive reasonable medical treatment on the grounds that God will heal him. I'm certain his response to offered hospice would be similar: "I don't need that because God will heal me."

And the irony of the situation is that hospice doesn't even need to be part of the discussion, if he would just follow through with the necessary treatment...

That's the mind-boggling aspect to this: Dad hasn't made a peep about pain, and the two teeth he lost early on in the infection process, he never said a word about to Mom, even going so far as to hide them under a placemat.

As I replied to Beatty, I'm certain he'd refuse hospice with the same illogical response that he doesn't need it, that God will heal him. And the irony of the situation is that hospice doesn't even need to be part of the discussion, if he would just follow through with the necessary treatment...

If someone had told me, even a year ago, that my rational, mathematics professor father would take such an irrational, unreasonable course of action, I would have told them they were full of çaça... The situation seems surreal at best.

If Dad has anxiety, he refuses to communicate that to anyone. And now that he has stubbornly drawn the line, the conversation is over--any further attempts at discussion will be ignored or likely generate a hostile response. He has been like this for many years, with almost schizoid behavior worsening over time.

Yes, mea culpa on the lack of details. Dad suffered an ischemic stroke in 2002, caused by a red blood cell clump (not a clot) that passed through a cardiac PFO and blocked a cerebral artery. He suffered severe balance impairment and experienced some short- and long-term memory loss, but nothing more debilitating than that. Mom cared for him through his long recovery, wearing herself thin in the process.

A few years later, with Dad fully recovered, they sold the house my sister and I grew up in, and moved into their current condo. They had a nice nest egg from the house sale and Mom's inheritance from her mom's passing. That's when Dad's behavior turned bizarre, and he spent all that money (over $200K) on propping up a church member's store of African imports. In the middle of this situation, my sister overheard said church member discussing with his "partner" how much money they'd be able to get from our dad. Turns out the "church member" was a practiced scam artist, and he used the religious angle to con my dad but good. When my sister, my mom, and myself tried to explain what was going on to Dad, he first asked why we were "bearing false witness" against the church member. When we persisted, adamant that we were telling the truth, Dad became hostile, and refused to listen. When Mom stated that 50% of the money was legally hers, and Dad had taken it without any discussion, he responded that *he* was the head of the household and all financial resources were *his* to do with as he pleased. Mom ended up having to file joint bankruptcy, and it was a long road till they were financially clear once more. It took a court official browbeating Dad with legal chapter and verse before the gravity of the situation got through to him.

The present situation is more of the same willful obtuseness, only it's not just money on the line this time, it's what remains of his life. He's fairly healthy for his age, and could enjoy a number of years more with proper medical treatment of his dental infections. Dementia is the unanswered question in this equation, because every time Mom attempted to schedule him for the requisite medical evaluation in the past, he pulled similar passive-aggressive crap and either canceled the appointment behind her back, or simply refused to go. After a decade of trying, I think my mom is now redirecting her energy toward preserving herself.

As long as he has not been officially diagnosed with dementia, he is in control of his medical care. The oral surgeon's office told Mom that they must abide by his wishes. And as I originally posted, from his side of things, the conversation is over. Trying to browbeat him with the inevitability of a nasty hospitalization then death at this point will result in either being ignored with this smug little smirk, or a hostile response that could escalate to physical violence. So Mom and I have withdrawn from the situation to prevent further problems; that doesn't lessen our own sadness and helpless frustration, however.

Regarding hospice, pursuing that is up to my mom, since she has her own support group outside of immediate family. And no one can truly predict how his infections will advance at this time. There may come a point where he reaches screaming agony before finally allowing himself to be hospitalized. Or he may develop Ludwig's Angina and his trachea becomes occluded, ending in suffocation. (Mom signed him up for the Neptune Society, so no matter where he expires, his remains will be taken care of.)

Who knows? Maybe once all the neighbors in their large condo complex find out what he's doing, they'll overwhelm him with "You crazy, man!" and he'll change his mind by brunt of sheer numbers plus embarrassment in the neighborhood arena... Life is strange and constantly in flux.

No kidding.