Any advice on a 32 year old son? I really need everyone to see and try to help me respond properly.

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PamStegman, ArieneHutcheon, Gladimhere, Irishlasses, Kseale, Momsonlyhope, lilyoy, KarenC, Stressed52, 2tsanq, Norway, Karen R. Ba8olou, jujubean, Kazina, Carol Bradley Bursach, Captain, JeanneGibbs, (there were a few more) so my apologies, I have a question regarding my son who is 32 and he hasn't for some unknown reason spoke to me for 7 years. His wife is having a baby in 2 weeks. This is a very hard question to ask, so if you could try to tell me how to respond to the first letter of acknowledging his email. My son was raised well, had everything he needed (went to a private college and then went to master's degrees two in 3 years).
He has since married, and has not asked his father (we are friends but divorced). We never ever allowed the divorce to get in the way of our parenting.
The son in his later years, was very judgmental and felt that he could start controlling the set of four parents (step parents including), I love my son so I am trying to put this in a nice light. My son got married three years ago. We the father and I found out after the fact. It hurt me to no end. then my family (my parents are too old and ill to make decisions) started having family functions without my husband and myself. We thought, well ok, we don't understand but that is their choice, and why would we want to be around people that are not saying a word, and not returning voice mails and or texts (which one is the POA) and I am sweating that, because my father states he is going to change that but it better be soon. mom is 88 Alzheimer, Dad PPA, well my son decides to write to me. This is after five years of not speaking to me. I had not one clue. I got a letter that basically stated, I would love to have the baby clothes that are mine, and if you could drop them off at my sisters (that doesn't speak to me), my thought was I would just drop them off at a corner for him to pick up. The problem is this, this child has manipulated everyone and has blamed his entire life the "poor me" syndrome on the fact his parents divorced at his age of 3. We his parents are very cordial and very sad that we have a son that will not speak to either of us, and that includes the every six month's of hello and we hope you are well. He ignores mother's day and my birthday and I get this in an email.

Tonight around midnight I get an email that states: and I am not for privacy reasons typing in the entire email. But basically his father and I divorced at his age of 3 and he has never forgiven me for that, then the list goes on and on, and he has decided to launch onto one thing, and this child (adult) hasn't even talked to and/or seen me in 5 years, so why in the world hasn't he worked on the issues he is so concerned with. Sure my heart has been aching because I am going to be a grandma, in two weeks, but never got to share in the joy of that, and then never got to meet the woman he married. Still haven't 4 years this march. My family hasn't said a word to me. My husband and I are very good people we help the community and reach out to do charity work. My son though states some quotes I will type, and My question is how would any of you respond.
I really appreciate you wanting to give me the baby outfit, and would love to have it. I do not want to meet you alone (why do I bite?those are my comments), so drop it off at Sue's. The sister that will not speak to me.

You have written ever two month's without fail with nothing but very positive comments for me and my wife mom and I appreciate that. I am sure your hope is that one day I can find space to let you back into my life. I have said this before, but it is really important to me that you understand why I have kept you at a distance over the last 6 plus years. I am not holding onto any grudges!!!! (REALLY), or trying to punish you for shortcomings you may or may not have had while we were growing up.

I do not trust you and dad. It is very clear that experiences have piled up over the years and have led me to a place where I no longer want to be around either of you. (Gee thanks for what). Remember everyone I have another son, 26 that is 180 of this, and live in the same household, with the same father. He must have forgotten all the thousand's of dollars on camps and cars and everything else. I really really wish things could be different, and bay be one day they can, but it really depends on your willingness to open up about things. (About what)? He obviously has told people he is mad his father and mother divorced at age 3, but what? He will not tell us, but lets us know that he is hopeful that we have had success in our lives, and that we are ready to admit all our faults (common people) this is my child or our child. We are good wonderful parents, we were not meant to be married, we made a huge and still do effort to be cordial. He hates that by the way.
Then he says the door is always open, I am ready when you both are ready to change. HELP!

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i dont have any qualms about commenting on this , ive been thru something similar with my oldest son who always thought himself a cut above his brother and parents .
a young guy with his own family needs a great degree of space to battle life with his own resources and wits . my oldest pushed me away until recently . i think your son will hit a wall at some point . that arrogance and blame shifting will extend into his marriage and cause him extreme pain . you dont want to see your kids fall on their faces but we all do -- theyre no different .
id send him an email and tell him to go and have a good life but if he ever needs you youll be there as that is the role of a parent . hes trying to hurt you -- dont let him . i wouldnt send the baby clothes , it sends the message that he can walk all over you .
i hadnt seen my g - kids for close to 4 years until recently . son ( 32 ) just grew up enough to realize that life is harder than it looks on paper and dad isnt as dumb as he looks . he sent me a very long apologetic email and wanted me involved in his kids ' lives . i let him off the hook real easily . told him i should be the one apologising because im a belligerant control freak -- but i wont -- cause im a belligerant control freak .
its natural that hes pushing you away . hes gonna crash and burn , just try to keep a door open for when you have to drag his bleeding ass in out of the cold .
my son and i are in a great place now . he flew , he got knocked down , ( divorce , loss of custody ) he manned up to his hurtful mistakes, ( me , mine ) and the door at home is still open so he can attempt aviation again knowing he has a place to crash land if it becomes necessary .
my youngest and i have slammed heads and lived together / worked together for 15 years . hes off on his own right now but he knows the door is always open here, he knows we need each other. i send him an email every couple of months that simply says ' suck balls ' .
i dont care how many degrees your son has , life is still gonna body slam him a few times . he just dont see it coming .
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In this instance I would tell him he was welcome to the clothes, and that I would box them up, but he would have to come to the house to get them. Chances are that he has memories of things that maybe you have forgotten, or maybe he has beliefs about divorce now that are extreme. It's hard to know without knowing what is in his mind. Maybe the situation will mend itself in time, but you wouldn't be able to force it. You can only do your part -- getting the clothes ready -- and he'll have to decide whether it is worth coming to the house to get them.
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Let me clear a few things up.
I feel this child is copying the way his father (whom I get along with was), he did the exact thing to his mother, and treated her like you know what. It was I "the wife" that always had his parents over. He felt this or that by his parents. Of course grown up now, he realizes how short life is. This is a repeated pattern in a family.

Also, regarding the baby clothes, it is because my mother whom has Alzheimer's made them for him, and as a mother you tell me one of you that would not give him outfits that were hand made!

But, this is how I look at the letter. Mom, you tell me everything I want to hear, and I will accept you and you can have "rights" to your grandchild.

Well, I just got done writing all of the work I have done for the community in the caregiving world. I have 19 people I have helped and love me and without me they would be lost. Really, I don't hear from a son for years, and he focuses on issues from his childhood. You all are right, he will be the one at the loss, because I have already moved on. 10-15 years, give me a break. That child hadn't seen me for 10 - 12 of those years.

Regarding money. He need asked to borrow money, but he was hell bent on receiving his $5,000 that was put in an education fun for him. He sat around the corner of my house waiting for it.

I feel this way, I owe him nothing. I have told him things about me, that he already knows, nothing bad, I am human I am a mother, I did the best I could and you got far more than most children did, and yes, I was dumb enough to pay $500 per month for car insurance when he was 17. That was years ago.

But, what I do not agree with is that he wants to avoid me at all costs. What do I have warts. This is the mother that is caring for my own parents. He avoids everyone in my family at all costs.

Then he thinks he can write a letter five years later and pick up like nothing happened, if I tell him whatever he wants to hear, which at this point, I feel is one thing, "why in 2009, did I have a migraine, and lay on the couch for christmas" easy answer. I had 5 grand map seizures, and the medication topomax, known as stupomax, was making me sick. Really, this is what this is all about. I sincerely doubt it. I know who I am, I know the kind of person I am, I know the goodness that I do in this world.

I do not need some 32 year old snot nosed child of mine to question me and my integrity.

Of course, when I was divorced and raising kids alone it was hard. Really? Let me ask any of you where that would not be hard. But, he feels so deprived. Of what?

Well, thank you for all of your support, and I am sad, but I see the pattern and the thing is he has no contact with his father either. We call him the master "debater".
Life is his way or the high way, it has been like that since he was little, he used to pick the vacation that was the best between the families.

Thank you for all of your support.

I am human, but I am a wonderful truthful human, and I would think that qualifies me to be a person that really doesn't need to be ruled by my entitlement child. When the other one, lived with me, same situation and we are close as ever and his statement is "you only have one father and mother" there are no do overs. He is only 26, and has a pretty good head on his shoulders.

DH
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I think a strong clue might be ... " then he became very religious."

Perhaps he is just too righteous for his imperfect family.
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Live, this must be a heartbreak for you! I'm trying to imagine what this would feel like. I have three grown kids and I have the usual ups and downs with them, but this?! So very sad for you.

I'm unclear on one point, did you offer him the clothes, or is he asking out of the blue? If you offered to give them, then I would send them in the mail or via UPS.

If you didn't offer and he is simply demanding them (politely, but it still a demand), then he has further revealed his narcissism (YOU have to change? Isn't this a two way street, buddy?). If this is a demand, you just as politely ask him to come to your door to pick them up. No conversation need ensue.
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I have a 45 yr old son with a similar attitude toward me... after years of heartbreak and worry, I finally came to the conclusion, without honest communication, he has his own demons to deal with... my door is always open and he knows that..... but I have removed myself from his life, not the other way around this time.....it is a healthy thing for me to do.... can not tell you what you need to do as every situation is different..... but that divorce happened 33 years ago...... like Captain said, he will crash and burn.... hopefully not at the cost of his own family.... but I am no ones victim, and that includes my son.... I did not get here overnight.... it was blood sweat and tears that brought me to the place of letting go of the end result....... I hope you find your answers...... just be honest with yourself and the rest will fall into place.... there are no fairy tales in life... sometimes they do not have happy endings..... but I have a life to live..... he can participate or not.... I will continue on....
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I would not respond at all. I have a son that I know would have done this, had he not married a nice woman that will keep him on the straight and narrow. Your son has a psychological problem (my opinion only.) His problem did not result from your divorce. Your son is blaming it on that, though. Move on. (I have one granddaughter and I do know your pain.) But, there are many children and families that need help. Ask around. You sound like good people.
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Your son is arrogant and immature. My advice, tell him to come and get the baby clothes himself. I would never go an inch out of my way for such a rude and disrespectful person.
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A sign of being grown up is that you realize your parents did the best they could at the time. The "young man" appears no where mature enough to have his own family; however, there is a lot of that going on these days. Even after all these years, family therapy might be in order. There seems to be a lot of unresolved issues. There is a huge elephant sitting in the middle of this family and I cannot imagine the stress and tension it causes.
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I meant "get his own d*mn baby clothes!"
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