My husband's parents are both only in their mid 60s, but his mother is in very poor health and is struggling to maintain independence in their current home. This has been an issue for several years, but her condition has significantly deteriorated in the last few months and it seems clear to my husband and I that they'll need to move to a more suitable home sooner rather than later. Despite both the parents individually acknowledging that they'll need to move to a low maintenance property at some point, they are very resistant to any suggestions of moving.

While I would tend to be inclined to stay out of their business if they don't want our involvement, it's also recently become apparent that they expect their children to be their primary caregivers in their old age. This isn't a cultural expectation, as neither provided any caregiving to their own parents, but they have recently stated opinions on how a more distant family member is a terrible person for not being the main caregiver for his mother. This, together with their current expectations of my husband coming around to help around the house since they don't trust hired help makes me think we'll increasingly be relied upon to assist them as their health continues to deteriorate. Already, their current expectations to pop over and just help out with small tasks can be challenging as we both have demanding jobs and 2 small children. We can barely look after our own home, let alone 2!

I'm struggling with how my husband and I should best approach this situation, so was hoping others who may have been in similar positions might be able to offer some advice. With my own family I'm able to be very upfront, and could simply explain that the level of care they can expect from us won't be sufficient to keep their large household running, so they should consider either moving to a smaller home that's easier to navigate and maintain, or alternatively work out a plan for in home nurses/cleaners etc. Unfortunately, my husband and his parents don't speak openly about many things (particularly money, planning for the future etc) so it's more challenging. They also have a tendency to dismiss his advice as he's just a 'kid'. Fortunately, money is not an issue for them so they have options - it just seems they're unwilling to consider any at the moment!

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I'm in a similar situation with my Dad who doesn't want to go to any kind of senior home, or have a professional caregiver. I would like to introduce professional care to him slowly.

That's good that you can be upfront with things. I myself have difficulty doing that. Maybe talk to your husband gently about how you feel and discuss how to best approach this. If they don't listen to him, then maybe you can be his voice.
It's better to take care of this now, rather than be stuck and resentful.
All the best
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