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My 75 year old mother currently lives alone. She has anxiety issues and hypochondria that impact her daily life (constant doctors, specialists, ER visits, and 9-1-1 calls) and is on various meds, including some psychiatric. Although she constantly complains about pains and various health issues, little has been found physically wrong with her besides weak legs (uses a walker sometimes), frequent UTI's, arthritis, and an occasional skin or other infection. She is constantly in need of company - calls people many, many times a day, and "falls apart" when alone. She is convinced that she can barely cook for herself (she will microwave a frozen meal but claims that is sometimes too difficult), clean the house, and she doesn't always take her meds as she should. She is also a difficult person to be around - has high expectations and expects people to essentially wait on her. The bottom line is she really needs to be around other people, preferably in an assisted living. However, she is very low income, and her home has very little equity and a mortgage that my brother and I have been paying. We have also been paying for a small amount of outside help for her; in addition, she is getting some free help from an agency (qualified based on her low income) but it's not enough. She keeps insisting she really wants to go into an assisted living so she can be cared for. Problem is that all the assisted living facilities we have looked at are very expensive and, because of her low income and assets, my brother and I would have to pay out of pocket for most of the expense, which would involve a large financial sacrifice to our own families future. And living with one of us is an option because we both work full-time and have our own families, not to mention she would drive us crazy because she is very difficult and demands constant attention.

I find myself constantly stressed out dealing with her constant issues/problems, both real or imagined, that fall in my lap multiple times a day, along with my stressful full time job and other responsibilities. She has had several nursing home stays for various rehab issues, but they always release her with the recommendation that she needs someone to "take care of her", but doesn't yet qualify for long term care. Can anyone offer advice? Or am I just doomed to live out my life in a constant state of stress and guilt, dealing with the latest disaster every time the phone rings? Or take a second mortgage out on my own house to pay for her care? Help!

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Rehab says she needs someone to "Take care of her" She "wants someone to care of her"? Has she had a thorough psychiatric and cognitive assessment?

75 is awfully young these days. Can she get PT for her weak legs to strengthen them?
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Look into community based Medicaid waiver programs.
Those also cover assisted living, if the care manager so recommends it, or at home services if approved. Start by digging up 5 years of financial records to prove she did not give anything away and that she has few assets.
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PS, it is not your job to pay for her care. Don't go down that street ; she could for another quarter century. And it won't stop the phone calls. If there's truly "nothing wrong" don't fall for the helpless act.
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Perhaps your mom would be better off living in a group care home. Those are small private residences for the elderly. It was give her people to be around.
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If she's physically able, she's going to have to "do" anywhere she goes. Even if she goes into assisted living, no one is going to wait on her hand and foot.

Even in a Skilled Nursing Home setting (let's hope she doesn't need that for a long time), no one is going to wait on a patient who has the capacity to do some things for herself.

Has she ever volunteered at a soup kitchen? I mention this, because several years ago, when my mom seemed to be hosting a permanent pity party, my brother and sister in law started taking her to the local soup kitchen they help out at. They'd call her up and say "Mom, we need you to make us 50 Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches for tonight". She did; she started going and helping out and it did her an awful lot of good. If you have any volunteer opportunities nearby, maybe signup for one shift a month and do the shift with your mom.
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If her income is too high for Medicaid, you get her to an eldercare lawyer and ask about setting up a Miller Trust or pooled income trust.
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Is your mom on Medicaid? I can't imagine asking a child to pay my mortgage. That way lies on the path to financial ruin.
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Thank you. She has actually been on the list for a Medicaid Waiver evaluation for several years, and I'm told it could be another several years before she reaches the top. The list is moving very slowly and funding is short I'm told :(
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Molly,
Help me and others understand the situation a bit more.
Are you the only child?
Are you the only child that cares?
Are there any other relatives that could / want to help?
If it is not you, does mom refuse any other help?
Is she under psychiatric care?
Are her ills 100% real, 50% real, 25% real?
What seems to work best?
Did you say she WANTS to go to assisted living?
Budget. She hasn't any but you can get a second mortgage on your house?
Are you married, and if so, would your husband agree to the second?
Would you be at peace knowing she is calm, and not alone?
Would that be worth the effort/$$$/???
Visualize best case scenario for her. For you. Short term. Long term.
Thank you for your time and effort with your answers.
M88
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If the doctors release her and recommend long term care, then why can't they put it on a form that she needs long term care? I would imagine that mental disability is an allowable reason to need long term care. What does Medicaid say about it? I would line up the people in charge and get detailed answers of what is needed and how to get it.

If these doctors can't manage to help, then what about finding someone who could

And if that is still not possible, then I think I might allow mom to do what she can until she does qualify for long term care. I would discuss how indulging her demands might not have the effect you want. Plus, who wants to be bullied by a demanding person who has no interest with your welfare. I think I might get my own therapist and learn the tools to protect my own mental heath and bank account. Please take care of yourself.
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