Advice dealing with a manipulative elder father?
I just got done with a stint of staying with my parents for over a month or more. Dad had to get a catheter inserted due to an enlarged prostate that was blocking his urine flow, therefore causing him to get a Urinary Tract Infection. This infection was causing him to be very confused and causing him to get lost on roads he’s known all his life. The most recent trip for him was being lost on the road for over 10 hours and we had to get police involved. I took him to the emergency room and they determined he wasn’t fully emptying his bladder causing the UTI. So I stayed a month thinking he wouldn’t be able to figure out how to properly care form himself with the catheter in place. In that time, I also realized my mom isnt doing well herself, she had a spinal stroke back in 2019 and she can’t feel when her bladder gets full. I didn’t know it was as bad as it was and she was peeing all over the place. She’d sit in her chair for hours, not getting up to pee, but when she finally got up, he peed all over the chair, bed, herself and on the floor. She has been wearing depends, but it wasn’t enough to protect a full bladder of urine coming out. During all of that, I taught Dad the best I could how to properly take care of his catheter situation.
That all being said, I finally decided to go to my own home yesterday out of sheer stress and exhaustion. I called him last night to see if he properly switched out the day bag to the night bag. He said it all went fine, then suddenly, 2 hours later he called and said the catheter got sucked up inside of him and that I needed to come and take him to the hospital. I hastily drove out there knowing what he had said happened, made no sense and that it couldn’t have gotten sucked up inside. When I got there, I was right, it was all perfectly ok. I asked why he thought that, and he acted stupid. I told him I was going back to my own house and he started saying he’d drive himself to the hospital. I kept telling him it was perfectly fine and told him I was leaving. On the way home, I called him to ask if he’d calmed down. He then said he was sorry he made me drive all the way there (45 mins away) while I also had taken my night time sleep aid. He said he should be ashamed that he cried wolf to me to get me to come back to them. So basically he made up the story about the catheter just to get me to come running back. To me, that was a horrible trick to play on me, his overly caring daughter. I am beyond hurt and upset. What should I do about this? When I was there that whole month, I basically was a slave to them. Did I spoil them so badly that he’d resort to lying to get me to come back? There is so much to the story of my month of hell with them, it’s unreal. It’s almost impossible for me to be their sole caretaker and also be away from my home and husband. HELP! 😖😔
Clearly now your parents need to be in care.
If they will not go into care then they need to have the usual 911 phone numbers that I have given my daughter lives three states away from me. And the same 911 that anyone WITHOUT children have. Your parents are assuming you will come when called and we are talking hours away. You already see they cannot handle what is happening. Mom needs frequent toileting. They need the care they would get in care with several shifts and several staff members on each shift.
This is something you must deal with honestly, with the two of them. They won't like it. You will be ushered straight into F.O.G. by them. But you will have to stand your ground. This isn't about what we "like" anymore. This is about what must be.
anyway, have a great evening!
I think your parents need Assisted Living or to have caregivers come into their home every day to help them. You cannot move in with them, so it'll have to be either/or. You love them very much and will help sometimes, but that's as far as you can commit.
Best of luck to you.
The reason for this is simple....if it were an emergency 45 minutes could mean the difference literally between life and death. Yes, this time it was a non issue but what about next time?
Begin looking for a facility that can manage their care. It is possible that they would do well in Assisted Living with staff reminding mom that she needs to go to the bathroom. Typically every 2 hours. At the same time they can check dad and his catheter.
It would be up to you as to where the facility would be closer to you or where they currently live.
While I'm at it do you have POA for Health and Financial decisions if it is needed?
As to your last comment that it is "almost" impossible for you to be their sole caretaker and be away from your family....it is not ALMOST it IS impossible. So don't even try. Being a good caregiver is knowing what you can and can not safely do.
Hope you are having a good evening!
Taking care of your parents is not going to prolong their deaths, but it can shorten your life. Stress does a number on our bodies. Wouldn't it be nice to just visit them someplace and just be a daughter instead of having to do everything for them. Worrying about them when your not there. I placed my Mom and the weight just lifted off my shoulders. She had Dementia. I gave her no phone, she had forgotten how to use it. She acclimated very well and did so too when she went to LTC.
I hope your evening is going well!
Decide what you can/will do and what you can't/won't do amd tell your parents clearly how it is going forward,
No more all nighters at dad's beck and call. You need to look after yourself. I agree that you have been overly caring - caring more for him than for yourself, and he is using that and will continue to as long as you allow him to. You can only be a slave if you choose to be. You don't have to be.
Boundaries include setting consequences that you are prepared to stick to. e.g. I will visit to help once a week (or whatever you decide you can healthily manage) I will not be driving to your place to deal with emergencies outside that time. If you have an emergencies when I am not there call 911.
I would suggest decreasing phone contact at the same time and focussing on your own life and your marriage and building them up.
Dad won't like it when you stick to your boundaries but that's not your problem - it's his problem and don't let him make it yours anymore.
"It’s almost impossible for me to be their sole caretaker and also be away from my home and husband."
It IS impossible for you to be their sole caretaker and have any kind of a life for you and your husband. It can't be done. They are sucking all your energy for themselves.
Sounds like they both need help/care and probably would be better off in a facility with trained staff 24/7. The more you help them the less they will see that.
And, no, you are not responsible for his lies or for his feelings - he is responsible for them. Don't get sucked in apologies. Unless it never happens again, they are fake and manipulative..
Consider how much you are driven by FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. These are things manipulators use to get you to do what they want. You are not helping him or yourself by falling for them.
You may be willing to help them on some basis but it has to be on your terms. It's your time and your energy. Wishing you the best in this.
I also agree they need facility care now, or they pay for in-home aids. Do they have a PoA? Is it you? If they don't have a PoA and are resistant to care solutions then you don't have any options except to report them to APS. You cannot continue to orbit around them, even if your husband is patient with this. Eventually he won't be once you start burning out.
Also, you should NEVER drive anywhere having taken sleep aids. If your Dad calls with an emergency you tell him you're medicated and too groggy to drive and send 911 to their house. If it's a false alarm, this will get him to change his tune.
I wish you success in getting healthy boundaries in place and peace in your heart as you work through an appropriate care solution with them.
1. We all need sleep. You need sleep. Prioritizing your sleep is ok.
2. Dad has a new health emergency - Dad calls 911. Everytime.
Repeat after me.
I am not 911 Emegency Services.
I am not the maid.
Otherwise, as I read somewhere earlier today, you will be called for every spilt drink.
Edit: If Dad (or Mom) calls you sounding confused, you can make that call to 911 yourself.
Mention the frequent recent UTI history. Mention your Mom's mobility.
If Dad was taken to ER would Mom be unsafe home alone? If not, tell EMS this. In those cases, BOTH elders may have to be transported - one for treatment, the other under social reasons.