Follow
Share

My mom is going to be 93 in May, doesn't look her age and is near perfect health except for glaucoma. She takes no meds and is total denial about her Alzheimers/dementia diagnosis. She refuses to go to doctors any more because she "feels fine". She still has her own apartment but recently neighbors have been complaining that she knocks on their doors late at night asking if they hear noises. I've been having her stay with me in my one bedroom apartment but don't like to leave her alone for too long. She refuses any help because "she doesn't need it". I've told her she could stay at her apartment if she has someone live with her but that's not working. I've taken her to some assisted living places that are so nice that I would like to move in right now. Our relationship has degraded to such a point that we hardly speak and when we do it's usually her accusing me of stealing any number of her things. Lately, she's been talking to an imaginary friend and this could go on for hours at a time; my daughter bought me noise canceling headphone for xmas which I wear continuously. I've become a prisoner in my own bedroom and just watch TV on my computer and read. I can't interact with her anymore because she calls me names and forget about redirecting, she's like a dog with a bone regarding all the things I steel. My mom was my best friend and this is so painful because my mom is gone and I have no more compassion for this body snatcher. Anyway, people have recommended that I not go the route of getting guardianship because it is supposed to be very bitter and costly. I don't have POA for mother for anything and there is no chance I can get it. That's why I was wondering if I should get social services involved so someone else can tell her she can't live alone anymore. Has anyone ever made an anonymous call to APS and have them take over. By the way, I have been paying almost $7000/yr for LTC for my mom so I could afford to have her live in a nice place which I feel would be better for her because she's always been a social butterfly. Thanks in advance for advice/suggestions.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
This is a heartbreaking situation for you and for your mom. I'm so sorry you're going through this. As you've discovered, you can't reason with dementia.

A couple of thoughts....
1. Return her to her place and ask the Area Agency on Aging for a "needs assessment". Sometimes elders will listen to outsiders.

2. Make an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist. Take her to lunch and then stop by the doctor for "your" appointment.

3. Wait until she falls, gets ill and have her transported to the ER. If she's admitted, discharge can help you find placement. Refuse to take her home.

This is not easy. But you need to keep your sense of self preservation, or she could outlive you.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

I think that sometimes the difficulty of getting guardianship over an incompetent family member is overestimated. People do it all the time. Legal fees vary, but, I would at least invest in the costs of a consultation with an Elder Law attorney who is experienced in litigation of these type of cases. He can tell you what kind of evidence is required to prevail in court, as well as the process and generally, what you can expect and the costs. If you prevail in court, in many jurisdictions, you may get your legal fees reimbursed to you, from the Ward, assuming they have the funds and can afford it.

Even if you don't want to become her Guardian, you can still petition the court and ask that they appoint someone else to be the Guardian. There are professionals who do it and they could award Guardianship to the County or some other person.

You can just report to APS, but, you never know who will get the case. Are they experienced, are they trained to recognize dementia and mental health issues, etc. Will they just make sure she' she has heat and food in the house and close the case? There is no guarantee that an objective person is going to really evaluate the matter. If it's bad enough, I suppose even a novice would see she needs help and is at risk in her current situation.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

obrok, sit down with a lawyer for one hour and go over the guardianship process. It need not be bitter and protracted, as long as all siblings agree who the guardian should be. The recommendation for placement is decided by the Judge; A court evaluator interviews mom at home.
In our case, all 3 children agreed who should be guardian. The guardian had a clean background check, good credit and lived in the same place for 30 years.
Mom was obviously confused; the court evaluator recommended she did not appear at the hearing, that she was unable to participate in the proceeding.
It was all over at the very first hearing. Cost $3000 in NY
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

We have called an APS social worker twice. Once when my FIL wouldn't give us his car keys after he lost his license (she was helpful then) and again when we were afraid to leave him alone. She came in and talked to him and then told us "He wants to stay in his house until he dies so you need to make that happen. If you won't do that, I've told him to call me and I'll make it happen ". We have both POA and Medical POA because he's been ruled incapacitated. But we can't make him go to an assisted living unless he agrees. I wish we would not have called APS because she insists we keep him in his home when we believe it is not safe!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

So, if the APS sw says " I can make that happen" I'd welcome her with open arms! She can't mandate that you give up your lives to care for dad, but she can mandate that social services makes it possible by providing appropriate inhome care, apparently.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I agree with Barb: call the Social Worker. You will either be calling her bluff, or she will be able to use her professional network and her experience to source adequate at-home support for your father. Either way, you and your wife are off the hook.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

The advantage of social services taking over is that it takes the burden off of the family.

The disadvantage of the social services taking over is that if your loved one is appointed a court appointed guardian, the guardian can become a monster as I saw with my foster dad when I was no longer allowed to visit him after having to report abuse I witnessed against another patient in the nursing home in the wing dad was living in. There were abusive nurses in that wing and I should've known something was coming but I didn't. Live and learn! I'm not one of those kinds of people to not say something when I see abuse since I survived abuse myself. I sure don't want no one else going through what I had to go through and I will definitely report it
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I would seek a legal opinion from an attorney who handles these type of matters in your jurisdiction. Ask about the review process. Most jurisdictions have an oversight process. So, the court has oversight authority over social services as to how they handle the guardianship.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I went through this nightmare with my mom after her husband passed. I made an appointment with an attorney and he drew up papers for medical and financial POA. I didn't think I would even get mom to the attorney's office but God was apparently on my side and she signed the papers. I think she only understood half of what it was about and she was/is so hard of hearing. I think a good place to start for you is an elder care attorney......it is bad enough someone has Dementia and then you only want what you think is best for them.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

How does she not take any meds since she is an Alzheimer's patient?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My heart goes out to you, I think everyone on this forum understands in one way or another. I live in NY and I recently went through an interaction with APS due to my mom's doctor calling in a report. That's a whole other story :) It's interesting because the APS really doesn't have any authority. If they come in and the individual is alone and there is no family and the individual is obviously not capable of living alone, then they (the state) seek guardianship and whatever happens, happens. Not a good case scenario. Most of the APS employees are overworked. On a good note, I did find the case worker to be sympathetic and she did give me some information on several different things I was looking into. Even though her information didn't directly help me, it did get me moving in the right direction.
I would look into a free evaluation with an elder care attorney just to gather the information on guardianship. It may be more doable than you think. I didn't see where you stated if there were other siblings. You said you were not POA or anything, so who is?
I deal with two siblings who are joint POA - not a good situation to be in either since nobody communicates! My younger sister is the primary on the health care proxy-which is even worse because she does not communicate at all. She never comes to see mom. It just is what it is. I have 4 siblings, only one helps for about 6 hours on Sundays. That is the extent of the help.
However, the best move I made was hire a kick butt care manager. Holy cow. She has helped me get community medicaid for mom, in record time I might add, which will allow me to keep mom home with me and they will pay for the aides. I am waiting for the assessment to see how many hours they will give for in home care and then I get to choose the aides that come into my home and they pay for it. It is quite the process and the county isn't overly helpful so you really need a good care manager to fight for the benefits. I don't know your mom's financial situation but this is an avenue. Again, I don't know if you want to keep her home with you or place her in a facility, but a care manager is an extremely helpful resource. They know how the system works. Hang in there, you can get thru this. Just keep moving forward, one step at a time. Take care of yourself.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Thanks for all the answers so far. In response to llamalover, mom's neurologist put her on Namenda when she was first diagnosed and she swore to him that she would take it....she didn't. When we went back he made her promise to have me give it to her and she said she would....she didn't. Her denial is overwhelming and she's savvy enough to realize if I were to try and put it in her food. She keeps insisting that she's fine and I need to have my head examined.
In response to Donna F, I am an only child. I'm 63 and the stress level is having a negative impact upon my health. There are no friends or relatives who are able to offer some support. I don't have POA because my parents never thought it was important even though their family doctor encouraged them to do it. Given that my mom thinks I'm the devil incarnate, there is no chance that I would get her to sign anything. I spoke with a social worker today who suggested I call APS and explain the situation and ask them if they could help moving this forward. I'm also going to make an appointment for a consultation with an elder attorney to get his/her input. Right now, mom is continuing to pay the maintenance on her co op which, fortunately, is in my name. I used to live in the same complex and had a three bedroom, two bath apt. and asked her to come live with me there but she said I was moody and I stole and refused. So now I live a mile away in a one bedroom apartment and she's sleeping in the living room. When my daughter comes home from college it's going to be tight in here. I feel that my mom would do better in a more social environment which is why I feel assisted living would be better for her than having someone come in to sit with her which she would refuse anyway. I'm in New York also, in the suburbs. If you are in the area, I'd love the name of your geriatric care manager. I do pay for a LTC policy for my mom because she refused to pay for it and it would pay for a relatively nice facility for her. She doesn't have tons of money in her bank account and just gets my dad's social security. No other assets. This person is so mean. I know intellectually that it's the illness but my mom and I were so close and I just can't bear to deal with this body snatcher.
Sorry if I sound cruel but I miss my mom.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

You are not alone. Recognizing the negative impact on your health and life are positive steps for you. APS may not be the best alternative with unexpected outcomes. Guardianship is not so difficult or expensive if there are no siblings or other family members to challenge it, in that you then can make better decisions for her and the $3-5k cost would be well spent. The annual followup reports to the court are a pain and your mother will likely continue to resent you and/or all that is happening. Just necessary unpleasantness to get the best possible scenario for her while guarding your own health and sanity. You are so smart to see that your dear friend and mother is no longer there; the disease is doing most of the thinking/talking now. As the dementia progresses, logic and expectations no longer have a place. Every day can be totally different. Just doing what can be done to give her the best possible situation becomes paramount. It is not easy. The journey of 8+ years with my difficult mother has my brother and myself as co-guardians (for the last 2 1/2 years) and has her in a wonderful memory care unit alternately seen a "hell hole" (her words...lol) or just what she needs... depending on the moment.
Prayers and best wishes for good help and guidance as you go forward.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I am wondering has anything changed with mom since your posting?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Then have someone else administer the med to her... a VNA who comes every day? Idk.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter