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My mom is going to be 93 in May, doesn't look her age and is near perfect health except for glaucoma. She takes no meds and is total denial about her Alzheimers/dementia diagnosis. She refuses to go to doctors any more because she "feels fine". She still has her own apartment but recently neighbors have been complaining that she knocks on their doors late at night asking if they hear noises. I've been having her stay with me in my one bedroom apartment but don't like to leave her alone for too long. She refuses any help because "she doesn't need it". I've told her she could stay at her apartment if she has someone live with her but that's not working. I've taken her to some assisted living places that are so nice that I would like to move in right now. Our relationship has degraded to such a point that we hardly speak and when we do it's usually her accusing me of stealing any number of her things. Lately, she's been talking to an imaginary friend and this could go on for hours at a time; my daughter bought me noise canceling headphone for xmas which I wear continuously. I've become a prisoner in my own bedroom and just watch TV on my computer and read. I can't interact with her anymore because she calls me names and forget about redirecting, she's like a dog with a bone regarding all the things I steel. My mom was my best friend and this is so painful because my mom is gone and I have no more compassion for this body snatcher. Anyway, people have recommended that I not go the route of getting guardianship because it is supposed to be very bitter and costly. I don't have POA for mother for anything and there is no chance I can get it. That's why I was wondering if I should get social services involved so someone else can tell her she can't live alone anymore. Has anyone ever made an anonymous call to APS and have them take over. By the way, I have been paying almost $7000/yr for LTC for my mom so I could afford to have her live in a nice place which I feel would be better for her because she's always been a social butterfly. Thanks in advance for advice/suggestions.

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This is a heartbreaking situation for you and for your mom. I'm so sorry you're going through this. As you've discovered, you can't reason with dementia.

A couple of thoughts....
1. Return her to her place and ask the Area Agency on Aging for a "needs assessment". Sometimes elders will listen to outsiders.

2. Make an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist. Take her to lunch and then stop by the doctor for "your" appointment.

3. Wait until she falls, gets ill and have her transported to the ER. If she's admitted, discharge can help you find placement. Refuse to take her home.

This is not easy. But you need to keep your sense of self preservation, or she could outlive you.
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obrok, sit down with a lawyer for one hour and go over the guardianship process. It need not be bitter and protracted, as long as all siblings agree who the guardian should be. The recommendation for placement is decided by the Judge; A court evaluator interviews mom at home.
In our case, all 3 children agreed who should be guardian. The guardian had a clean background check, good credit and lived in the same place for 30 years.
Mom was obviously confused; the court evaluator recommended she did not appear at the hearing, that she was unable to participate in the proceeding.
It was all over at the very first hearing. Cost $3000 in NY
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So, if the APS sw says " I can make that happen" I'd welcome her with open arms! She can't mandate that you give up your lives to care for dad, but she can mandate that social services makes it possible by providing appropriate inhome care, apparently.
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I think that sometimes the difficulty of getting guardianship over an incompetent family member is overestimated. People do it all the time. Legal fees vary, but, I would at least invest in the costs of a consultation with an Elder Law attorney who is experienced in litigation of these type of cases. He can tell you what kind of evidence is required to prevail in court, as well as the process and generally, what you can expect and the costs. If you prevail in court, in many jurisdictions, you may get your legal fees reimbursed to you, from the Ward, assuming they have the funds and can afford it.

Even if you don't want to become her Guardian, you can still petition the court and ask that they appoint someone else to be the Guardian. There are professionals who do it and they could award Guardianship to the County or some other person.

You can just report to APS, but, you never know who will get the case. Are they experienced, are they trained to recognize dementia and mental health issues, etc. Will they just make sure she' she has heat and food in the house and close the case? There is no guarantee that an objective person is going to really evaluate the matter. If it's bad enough, I suppose even a novice would see she needs help and is at risk in her current situation.
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I agree with Barb: call the Social Worker. You will either be calling her bluff, or she will be able to use her professional network and her experience to source adequate at-home support for your father. Either way, you and your wife are off the hook.
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Yes, I have called APS, doctors have called and a social worker from a rehab facility called. Due to the fact the patient was on Medicaid, they trusted the Medicaid social workers who were more concerned about patient rights than the well being of the patient or the caregivers. So unless she is declared incompetent by two doctors you will just get a big run around with nothing done.
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We have called an APS social worker twice. Once when my FIL wouldn't give us his car keys after he lost his license (she was helpful then) and again when we were afraid to leave him alone. She came in and talked to him and then told us "He wants to stay in his house until he dies so you need to make that happen. If you won't do that, I've told him to call me and I'll make it happen ". We have both POA and Medical POA because he's been ruled incapacitated. But we can't make him go to an assisted living unless he agrees. I wish we would not have called APS because she insists we keep him in his home when we believe it is not safe!
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The advantage of social services taking over is that it takes the burden off of the family.

The disadvantage of the social services taking over is that if your loved one is appointed a court appointed guardian, the guardian can become a monster as I saw with my foster dad when I was no longer allowed to visit him after having to report abuse I witnessed against another patient in the nursing home in the wing dad was living in. There were abusive nurses in that wing and I should've known something was coming but I didn't. Live and learn! I'm not one of those kinds of people to not say something when I see abuse since I survived abuse myself. I sure don't want no one else going through what I had to go through and I will definitely report it
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I would seek a legal opinion from an attorney who handles these type of matters in your jurisdiction. Ask about the review process. Most jurisdictions have an oversight process. So, the court has oversight authority over social services as to how they handle the guardianship.
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How does she not take any meds since she is an Alzheimer's patient?
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