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What to do when mom lies and turns you in to Adult protective services. Can't believe it. Now don't feel comfortable here in my own house. What to do.

Bev1285, I know this must be so hard for you. I would just cooperate with APS. My own 95 year old mother threatens to call the COPS on me all the time!! I say Mom, lets go wash your hair, my mothers' reply is always, LEAVE ME ALONE OR I;LL CALL THE COPS!!! She doesn't have dementia. She knows anything and everything that has happened over her whole life time. She's knows my birthday, my friend's birthday, my friends Moms birthday, etc. et. etc. For the most part I just leave her alone. I'm the one who would get in trouble if god forbid I give her a BATH!!!! A bath or wash her hair is OFFENSIVE to her!!! I have to let so many things go. She's a hoarder so I can't pick up a damn thing in her house!!! It is so frustrating!! If your Mom did turn you in to APS then I would just go along with it and cooperate. Document everything!!! Every Single THING!!!
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Reply to elaine1962
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Bev,

Your worries may be overblown. My mom with mid-stage dementia lives in a nice memory care unit. Of course, she doesn't think she belongs there. In the community area of the unit, a poster advises residents they have a right to an ombudsman and/or an APS referral. Mom has her own phone which she struggles to use, but she did manage to call APS twice on me and the MC unit she lives in, plus an ombudsman.

Here's what happened: I wasn't advised of these referrals or when the resulting investigations would be conducted. Afterwards, I got phone calls from an ombudsman and 2 different APS personnel, all of whom were pleasant and courteous. During our phone interviews, I explained Mom's diagnosis and the testing her neurologist did to come to that conclusion plus the results of her neuropsych testing. I explained how the doctors decided a memory care unit was the best living arrangement for her. I described my role as her remote caretaker, how often I visited and took her on outings, how often the facility took her on outings, and how friends from church were given authority to pick Mom up weekly for church. Questions were asked, which I can't remember at this point, but I answered as accurately as I could.

One of the APS investigators said, "You know, your mom really has it in for you," and I responded by saying I was aware, but confident that Mom was cared for as well as could be. All 3 investigations arrived at the same conclusion: That Mom's surroundings were immaculate, she was well cared for, treated with dignity and compassion, and their own mental exams implied correct placement for Mom's stage of illness. All 3 closed their case, confident that all was well. All 3 were kind and supportive, furnishing their phone numbers if I had any concerns.

What I initially thought might be distressing turned out to be positive and reassuring! Be open and honest is the best possible recommendation I could make, and I expect APS will see through your mom's distortions and delusions.

This is hard, I know. Wishing you the best . ((((Hugs))))
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Reply to CantDance
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I agree with JoAnn -- I don't think there is any need to panic and this situation may in fact turn out to be a blessing in disguise for you and your mom.

Keep in mind too that APS is used to checking out complaints that turn out not to have any basis in fact. I'm sure they come across plenty of paranoid seniors who are having cognitive issues.
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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They are just investigating. If a good SW, they will see that Dementia maybe involved. They can talk to her doctor/s. With Dementia it can be something u did 5 yrs ago. Just go along with any suggestions made. If its suggested that someone needs to leave, than tell them it has to be Mom because the house is yours. If Mom is found incompetent, your POA allows you to place her somewhere safe.

It may all work in your favor. They may agree that an AL would be a good place. You may end up finding about resources u can take advantage of. I would not get a lawyer involved unless charges are brought against you.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Boy, you are in a touch situation here. You were turned in to adult protective services? This is a very serious problem that can backfire on you. Your mother appears to have some type of medical, and/or psychological issue and needs to be evaluated by a specialist. Losing her husband might have pushed her over the edge. I would cooperate with APS, document her behavior, time, and date. Family members should only visit when you are at home to supervise. I do not think she should be alone for her protection and yours. You have responsibility for her wellbeing, and if anything happened while she was alone APS would become more involved. I am glad you are consulting with an elder attorney, that is a wise decision. Memory Care, Assisted Living might be a good choice, if things do not turn around and you are not able to care for her. Your mother will have no choice in the matter, if the professionals find her incompetent, unsafe living alone, or have some memory impairment. I would find out who actually reported you to APS. I am hoping this situation is resolved quickly for all involved.
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Reply to earlybird
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Have you called the local Area Agency on Aging and asked for a needs assessment? Have you spoken to her doctor about her inability to manage her affairs?

You can also call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult who is not acting in her best interests. I think this situation might be beyond your ability to manage.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Bev1285 Nov 6, 2019
Luckily I spoke to her doctor privately a few weeks ago about it. She sent here to a psychologist. I'm still trying to figure out if it was this visit that provoked this. Dame if you do dame if you don't. I'm just was concern with her wellbeing and this is what I got.
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Wow, this is pretty mind blowing. Maybe time for mom to move on since she is making your life a living hell now. So sorry.
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Reply to againx100
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Bev, I think its time for you to wash your hands of Mom a little bit and let others take care of her so you can go on with your life. Start looking for suitable placement for her. Maybe it's good APS is involved, they can help with the process. Its a blessing the house has been in your name for 10 years as far as Medicaid is concerned. That really helps. Start moving on with your life, you are not going to be able to change anything about your Mother's condition or attitude or demeanor.
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Bev1285 Nov 6, 2019
Thanks for the encouraging words. I have found multiple assist living but she said she what to live on her own. My brother and I have afford to help but she just puts it off. She's waiting for my dad's pension but she keeps filling out the paperwork wrong so there has been a delay but she will not let anyone help because she doesn't trust no one. She has plenty of money to move anytime.
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I live in a home that was gifted to me by my parents over 10 years ago. I have taken care of them over 30 years. My father was an alcoholic so I always took my mom shopping and bill paying. My father became sick and also fell and broke his hip 2 years ago. I helped her care for him until his death 3 months ago. So during this time I see a change happening to my mother. Signs of dementia. Accusing me of taking her things and finding out later my siblings come over when I'm not home and she gives them things and she forgets. She is also mad because during my dad's illness she would verbally abuse my dad and I told the hospice social worker what was happening. My mother always verbally abused us as kids and my dad who had the kindest heart and never said anything to her. My mom is 86. I have consulted with her doctor recently because of the changes I have seen. She is not eating correctly doesn't take her medication like she should but gets mad at me for reminding her. The doctor put her on Home Health because of this and she hates it. She said she is going to change doctor because this one is in her business I have a appointment with a elder attorney in a couple of days so now I wait for a social worker to come. I am so hurt. I retire early to take care of my father because she keep asking me too. I have three other siblings. I can count on two hands the number of times my sisters have been to visit them in 20 years. My brother supports me but does come to much because of the way my mom has treated him over the years. I'm so overwhelmed. I'm also her POA . But she doesn't trust me now.
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Reply to Bev1285
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My parents cared for my grandmother 24/7 for several years. They arranged for her to stay with her son and his wife (both very nice, responsible people) for 2 weeks while my parents took a much needed and deserved vacation. After just one week, my grandmother threw an absolute hissie fit to go home. She was still mobile at that time (with a walker) and could do a lot for herself but did not need to be alone. My parents had a few different sitters and arrangements were made.
After about day 3 of being home, the sitter called my sister crying and told my sister that my grandmother was raising H and demanding that she call APS and report my parents for abandonment! My sister paid her a visit and my grandmother denied doing that. My sister laid down the law.

These old folks can be so very narcissistic.

In 2015 I was awarded conservatorship over a relative with dementia. I was advised to keep detailed records, which I did. A requirement was that I set up a new bank account for her. The judge and the lawyer representing my aunt all strongly advised me to move her money FROM a well known bank (WF) she was using due to their bad reputation. She had substantial money there. I went to the bank to arrange movement of her funds. I had all the appropriate paperwork. They REFUSED to do it, gave me grief, etc. Oh, they demanded THREE forms of ID! One of the ID I presented was a Conceal Carry permit and the guy FREAKED OUT and wanted to know if I had a gun in the bank!

My elderly father was her POA before I was awarded guardianship. He lives an hour from the nearest branch of this bank and they demanded he come there and sign over the account. I had to meet him there. We had an appointment and they dragged out our visit to over THREE HOURS! He and I both let them know what we thought of their behavior.

A few days later, APS showed up at my father's house demanding to see ME! (I have not lived there in 32 years. This bank had called them and reported me for financial exploitation of an elderly person! The caseworker talked extensively to my father. She then drove 1.5 hours to the NH where my aunt was living and interviewed a number of people there who saw me visit daily and had gotten to know me. She contacted me and demanded records. I gave her a detailed spreadsheet of every penny spent. The investigation came to a halt.

Sorry for the long rant! Moral of the story, you don't know who called APS or why, but there is usually money involved and an ax to grind.
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Reply to XenaJada
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Looking at your profile, Bev, it says that you are caring for your father; I'm assuming that your mother lives with you as well?

Have you asked her why she called APS? How do you know what it was she who called APS?

Cooperate fully. Consider placement if this is going to be an ongoing problem.

My MIL did not live with us, but when my DH would visit, he would suggest strongly that she try to stop smoking, as she had COPD. She told him that he was being abusive and that she was going to call APS. He walked out and never spoke to her again, except that I dragged him to see her on her deathbed.

Actions have consequences.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Cooperate with APS. Show them you have nothing to hide.

What did mom accuse you of? I have been there, investigated by APS for financial exploitation (accused by twisted sissies one of them knew nothing like that was going on, she held the purse strings), none was occurring and APS closed the case quite quickly, a few months, they have better things to do than investigate false reports.

Does mom have dementia? Does she have a diagnosis?
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Reply to gladimhere
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This is serious. Does she have dementia and is imagining things? She needs to be checked out by her doctor.

Your profile says that you are caring for your mom and dad. Has she accused him of anything too? What does he think about her accusations?

I would be very annoyed if she doesn’t have some sort of medical situation that explains her accusations and I don’t think I would want her living in my home.

Do you think she has a UTI? Something is off or she is being cruel.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Bev, yes more details will help provide more appropriate answers.

How old are your parents?
Do you live with your parents in their house or yours or in an apartment?
Do either of them have dementia (diagnosed by doc) or symptoms (not yet diagnosed)?
Do you or anyone else have PoA for one or both of them?
Do you or anyone else know what their financial means are? This will determine if they need to apply for Medicaid.

I'm sure many seniors make reports to APS and they will probably know which ones are legitimate concern and which aren't. If they start looking at your case with too much interest, you may need to call an attorney. I'm so sorry for this situation...you're not alone. If your parents don't grant anyone PoA for themselves you may need to pursue guardianship (if you want it but consider this very carefully) or the county can gain guardianship. Wishing you peace in your heart as you navigate the coming years with your parents!
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Reply to Geaton777
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Bev1285 Nov 6, 2019
Thank you
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I'm not sure how to answer Bev1285. Can you give us a little bit more details of what is going on? I'm not sure what Adult Protective Services are or what they do? Is your Mom in your house living with you Bev1285?
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Reply to elaine1962
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JoAnn29 Nov 6, 2019
APS is an agency that investigates complaints of abuse on adults, usually the elderly.
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Move her out to a facility, she will now control you, she needs to go. This is a serious situation.
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Reply to DollyMe
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