My mom has dementia. APS has accused me of neglecting her- their allegations are simply not true. They are quite threatening. What can I do?

My mom has lived with me fo 6 years. For the last 5 years, she has attended a county run adult day care program. She has dementia but no physical health problems. At first, she was there 3 days a week and really seemed to like it. About a year ago, they insisted she attend 5 days a week. When this started, her behavior started to deteriorate at the center. About a month after she started to attend daily, they informed me that they had stopped serving breakfast "last year" and I needed to send food with her. I did this and also started getting up earlier so she could have a hot meal instead of cold snack food or expensive microwave meals. Then I got a call reporting that she had yelled and used foul language toward a staff member. A month or so later, they reported she had cursed another client and made them cry. About 6 weeks ago, they reported that she had acted up again and terminated her from the day program.

My mom has always had a sharp tongue, and with the dementia, she doesn't have much of a filter. However, I did not see this kind of behavior at home. I did see her getting irritable and she was regularly balking at "going on the bus".

At the same time, the center complained about her hygiene and reported that at times she had body odor. At times this was true. It was a battle to get her to wash her hair and body. She refused to shower and just washed in the sink. This worked well enough, but the next challenge was getting her to change clothes. Especially after she started going to the senior center 5 days a week, she would go for a "nap" shortly after getting home and often sleep through the night in her clothes. In the mornings, I put out clean clothes, but she often put the dirties back on or would change the visible clothes and not her underwear. Then the bus to the center would arrive and there was not time to get her changed. So yes, sometimes she smelled bad. Two years ago they told me they would make a referral for home hygiene services. They finally did it 2 weeks ago.

In January, about a week after she was terminated, a social worker called and asked how she was doing and if she was ever at home alone. I answered that she was home alone at times. A week later Adult Protective Services sent a worker to deliver an accusation of neglect saying she was always hungry (almost daily we will eat a full meal and within an hour she will ask when I'm going to make lunch, dinner etc. I'll ask if she's hungry and she can't decide, I give her more food, she maybe takes a bite. Her weight has not changed for years.), and had body odor (sometimes) and matted hair (no).They stipulated that she must NEVER be left alone or the county prosecutor would immediately take guardianship and put her in a nursing home.

I was blown away! I had largely started sending her to the day program so she could be around people her age and not be stuck at home all the time. When they insisted that she go every day, it just got to be too much for her physically and socially (there are 50-60 people there, and they spend most of the day doing activities as a group. Not really her thing). She has a routine here at home and has done the same things every day she is here for the last 6 years--up for 2-3 hours, dress, make her bed, eat breakfast, read, let the cats in and out a few times, go back to bed. 2 or 3 hours later, up again, same thing again until it's dark and then she sleeps through the night.

Meanwhile I am off work on FMLA jumping through all APS's hoops and trying to figure out how to get someone in here without bankrupting her. The bottom line is that I truly and genuinely believe she does not need someone here 24/7. They have been clear that it doesn't matter what I think or what she does, the case is open and the expectations stand.

Has anyone else been in this kind of situation? Is there any way to get them to back down? I could see having someone come in for a few hours a day when I'm at work and my daughter is at school, but all day every day is just not necessary! I appreciate any advice, thanks!

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
This thread is terrifying, as like Jessie wrote, we (my husband and I) are in entering the Double Blind phase of caregiving for his Dad, in our home. Whe my FIL moved in, whe he was 75, he was perfectly capable of preparing simple meals, driving wherever he wanted, the stores, bank, post office, his Dr appointments, and his best intentions were tha6we go on living like we always had done, going to work, our outings, vacations, and this all worked out well in that respect, for the first 5 or so years, but his decline in ambulation and his fear of being alone has ramped up considerably, and now we are prisoners in our own home. We are unable to leave him for more than a couple of hours, and only then if we pre-plan and prepare a meal, and his bathroom break ahead of time, as well as see to it he has ours and an alternate contact number at the ready. No longer can6we leave him overnight, so reading this and so many other threads on here is eye opening! To think that APS, could come into our home and decide to remove him after we have given up our lives caring for him is unfathomable! We do our very best, until our best is no longer good enough, but at what time do we call it quits? That is the question! I see it coming sooner every day, and then we are posed with the question of how do you tell them that you are no longer capable of caring for them, as they made us PROMISE! We would never put them in a home.
Helpful Answer (9)

If any of moms $ is being commingled with yours OR if her $ is being used to support you & your daughter, you can expect APS to be very aggressive on the financial impropriety aspect as well. Having yourself investigated for financial can morph into quite serious issues for if you need any clearance for work. If your daughter is young, and the home is inspected & found unsafe..& you are commingling funds...., it could morph into issues with your daughter as well.

I'd bet APS has already sent an inquiry to SS to ask if there is a representative payee on file for mom & who the RP is. If there is not RP paperwork done, SSA is going to require one to be done and if you are still being investigated by APS, it's not going to be you. It sets it up for mom to be a ward of the state with a state appointed guardian.

Unless you are a licensed health care provider, you yourself cannot determine that mom does not need 24/7 care. If you are pressing this as a fixed viewpoint with whomever you are speaking with in APS, they are going to be totally frustrated with you. They are going to do a ward of the state request.

The program mom was in for 5 years probably has a thick file showing moms change over time and her families (you) inability to take advice or requests or changes needed by the day program to be carried through. It sounds like the last year there has been quite a few distintive incidents with mom....the making another elder cry, her cursing staff, multiple foul & dirty clothes days....and family has just not dealt with it. Someone at the center is a mandated reporter and has shared their notes with APS. It just does not look good for your ability to provide the oversight needed for your mom.....

Your likely not going to like my suggestion, but honey, cut your losses, let mom become a ward of the state, work with APS to get this to happen, and you get back to work and focus on being a mom & enjoying having a daughter & being a daughter. Let the state appointed guardian deal with all the many issues of your moms care & needs.
Helpful Answer (8)

This is so much an issue and one that is only going to really ramp up once we start being that generation because there are going to be one hell of a lot of us baby boomers. The biggest problem is that many of the people who are charged with dealing with neglect don't understand the day to day issues that we encounter and as I have banged on about for ages WE ARE NOT TRAINED PROFESSIONALS so instead of trying to put huge barriers in our way why don't they take the logical approach and help? Oh silly me that would be a sensible thing to do and I can't see that happening any time soon wherever you live
Helpful Answer (6)

Very good points, Jude. I've often wondered as well what training APS investigators have. Perhaps one of the requirements for working in APS should be that they had to care for an elderly parents for a few years.
Helpful Answer (6)

The trouble is that they very often DONT see a difference between caring and care giving. They don't actually give a toss as long as they can tick boxes (actually thats a little harsh they do care but don't always know how to in a supportive way.)

If of course you go on the offensive and demand help........ooooh well maybe . I did and was told the waiting list for a bathing assessment was 1 year A YEAR? REALLY?

So I diaried it as I do everything, then if I am ever accused of neglect I can say uh uh. I requested help a year ago and am still waiting. You KNEW I wanted respite, you KNEW I needed an assessment, you KNEW I needed a hunky man for the colder nights!!!! Just testing that you were reading this!!! SO far you have evidence if you diaried it that they said they would make a referral for home hygiene services 2 years ago yet it has only just happened? How is that supportive.

I think I might be tempted to challenge this softly. They won't back down but if you go in and say something like I wanted help I was told there was a referral made for help and I have struggled. I have really struggled with no support and no help for 6 years, now you tell me I am doing it all wrong.....why wasn't there help for me in the beginning when I needed it so that I could have had all this in place from the outset? I am trying to juggle work children and mum because SHE doesn't want to go into care and I don't know where to turn for help. All I seem to get is one accusation after another. I am asking for help support advice so please will someone help me. Copy it in to your councillor see if they can help or the mayor or the congressman - someone has to be responsible for HELPING...haven't they?
Helpful Answer (6)

Pamstegma, you know that I almost always agree with you, but sometimes you are so direct and blunt, you do cut to the quick! I think I prefer Judes approach on this one. This poor girl is juggling so many balls, there's going to be one dropped now and then, it's agonizing not knowing exactly what to do. Perhaps she will run into the right person or people w3APS, that are willing to find the resources she needs to either continue on with that help, or to guide her into getting her Mom into a Nursing facility where she can continue in a Cargiving role, just not so consuming. Try to be a little gentler please!
Helpful Answer (6)

Sara. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze don't take this any further, I beg you.

One of the reasons neglect and abuse carry on as badly as they do is that people are terrified of reporting what they think they have seen and being wrong about it.

And that is because people feel that it is shameful to be reported and inspected, and are deeply offended when it happens. As you have been.

But it isn't an insult! APS had a concern reported to them. They checked it out, quite correctly. There was no problem. Case closed.

Think of everything you read in the papers about what happens when people hesitate to report a slight little something they've noticed. Nothing much - a bruise, an expression on a child's face, an elderly neighbour who is suddenly more withdrawn than usual. Maybe you should tell someone - but what if you're wrong..? [horror!] So you mind your own business, and keep looking the other way, and then weeks or months later you read the headlines and wish you'd said something... but how were you to know...

I'd go one step further than Babalou, while agreeing with her that the report was very unlikely to have been malicious. The critical thing is that it was not defamatory, not an insult, not an accusation directed at you personally - it was just a question, which you answered to everybody's satisfaction. It has to be ok for people to *question* whether elders are all right. Otherwise the real abusers will go on abusing without anyone ever challenging them.

Don't be offended. They asked, you answered. Everything is fine.
Helpful Answer (5)

Oy, I understand all of this so well. As caregivers we are expected to take care of our parents as well as we would our children. But there is a huge difference. We can make children do things -- hopefully kindly. We can't make our parents do anything they choose not to do. I think Igloo's advice about working with the state is good, lynn. If your mother is combative to the point that she is jeopardizing you legally, having some help would be good. I understand the position you're in. People can say that they need a bath, but what can you do? Drag her kicking and screaming to the shower? That would be called elder abuse. Or even keeping on after them to do things could be considered elder abuse. It can really be defeating after a while.

Your mother's dementia sounds pretty advanced if she is causing trouble at day care and refusing to bathe or change clothes. It does sound like she couldn't be left alone for long. I personally won't leave my mother alone for longer than a couple of hours, even though there's not been many problems to justify my hovering about. I know there is a potential, so I'm not absent for long -- too many what-ifs. Soon I know I won't be able to leave at all unless she is in a NH.

We do get caught in a double bind. We're expected to have them do things, but we can't make them do them. And the elder can get so verbally and physically abusive when we're getting them to do things that it can make our lives miserable. So what to do? I think it is a good point to look for outside help, rather than to go down with the ship. In this instance, don't let your mother's dementia end with you being in legal trouble. Be truthful about problems you are having with her and accept whatever help is offered. I don't think there are many people who can deal with an obstinate dementia patient alone.
Helpful Answer (4)

I am sure you have nothing but the best intentions and love for your mom. Maybe right at this time mom would be OK with some time on her own, maybe she would not wander off, maybe she would not fall...BUT dementia is progressive and eventually something bad would happen, you have no way of knowing when or what. Much like toddlers, people with dementia require supervision. Their mental capacity does not allow them to be responsible for themselves. As a one woman show - with help from your daughter - you may have done as much as you can, these situations do evolve into more than a mere mortal can carry. So instead of fighting APS, maybe they can provide resources to help and get her to an appropriate home, where you can visit daily if your like and still be able to hold down your job.

Daily, in home care can add up very quickly. We did this for my dad for a short period of time and it can get very expensive.

Do not feel threatened, but try to consider the alternative of a home with an open mind.

God Bless,
Helpful Answer (4)

My mom was living on her own for 5 years now, since my dad passed. She is 88 years of age and we decided after her last hospital stay, and horrible 6 week stay at a local rehab center, she was going to live with my husband and myself. She has her own lovely room and private bathroom, on the first floor. We have hooked up an alarm in her room, so if she ever needs us she can just push the button and we are there. She has been with us almost a year now and yes there have been times when a trip to the ER was in need, due to digestive problems. Last weekend she told us she was having a female problem, so off we went to the local clinic. That was on a Friday. Sunday morning she wasn't doing much better and the doctor had called and said that her urine culture had to be repeated, So, off we went to the clinic, she took another urine test, they examined her and we left,, I may add she had been taking Bactrim since Friday. They phoned again on Tuesday and said her culture showed nothing and she should stop the Bactrim and follow up with her primary care. Now,, its Wednesday, we are sitting on the porch , waiting to leave for her dental appointment when this woman comes up the stairs, lets herself in and proceeds to tell me she is here to check on my mother, as she was just released from the hospital???? What???? She said someone had called in their 211 and without having to give a name or anything else, they put in a complaint that my mother was being neglected and that I said something, in this persons presence, that made them worry for her... I must say, I left the room after speaking with the doctor because of my mothers request, she said she would be embarrassed, while getting examined, so I didn't have a chance to say anything. Nowm this woman, was not going to tell me the usual "who , what, where nor why", of which I asked... I was furious.. She looked at my mom and said she could see the complaint was unwarranted and that she was reporting her findings to her supervisor , thus closing the case. I brought her into my house, showed her my mothers living quarters and asked if it looked like my mother was neglected... Again she apologized and said the case was closed... No Felicia , the case is not closed. I called the State of Connecticut and voiced my concern not once but twice and was told that anyone, can call that number and make a false claim. The state does not ask who is calling, they just take their word and send out the hounds. Oh, I got the "I understand and I don't blame you for being upset", but they still would not give me an inch.. So in other words, I should forget about what happened ,, Oh hell no,,, I think the State of Ct fails miserably in this aspect. I fully intend to write the Atty General in Hartford. If he does nothing to rectify the matter, then I will hire an attorney and I will take them to court. Defamation on a person is not to be taken lightly. Why should I sit and accept a false claim against me, while the person who made it, just walks away... I just want people to know that this can happen to them. Its unfair and I will not stand for this. Beware, you never know who could do the same to you. Wish me luck, as I said, something is going to change with how these complaints are made.
Helpful Answer (4)

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter