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Feeling like a child again with a bossy 86 yr old father and old issues of fear of him haunt me. I can never still please him, and I am 50 yrs old, but he treats me like his little 10 yr old baby girl. My Mum and I were always afraid of his rages (emotional abuse), and still are, she is 93. Any feedback would be appreciated.

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Living in your parent's home will almost always bring up these "childhood" issues. It may even bring out the bully in your father because he knows you are back in the family home and he feels like he's the boss.

The best you can do, in my mind, is to try to detach from his behavior. Tell him that you won't be treated with such a lack of respect and then walk away. If physical abuse is a problem, you may have to make arrangements for your mother and yourself away from him unless he has dementia, which may qualify him for nursing home care.

There are people on this community forum with much more experience on this topic than I have, so please keep coming back to check on their responses.

Good luck with this difficult situation.
Carol
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Just one more thing. When providing care for our elderly parents the goal shouldn't be to keep them in their home as long as possible. The goal should be to make sure they are getting the best possible care for as long as possible. Sometimes that means accepting that just because we are their child doesn't mean we can provide the best care for them but we can make the decisions that they will get the best care possible.
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Thank you for your responses. I chose to live with them so they could stay in their own home as long as possible. Thank you Carol, I will practice saying that I won't be treated with such lack of respect. I find this forum so helpful because I know I am not alone, and folks can identify with me, and it helps me get out of my self pity party. Thank you all....
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I read many stories of people on here, doing what you are doing. Why did you chose to do it, knowing the way he is? (My Mother was the same way, but we knew not to live there.)
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I am caring for mom with Alzheimer's and her husband of 7.5 years in her home of 50 years. It is difficult at times, usually when I am trying to get her to do something she doesn't want to do. This includes getting dressed in the morning. These are the times when she makes snide comments like "yes, mother", "I'm sure glad I am the mother", "you must have been a terrible mother", "I'm glad you weren't my mother", etc. The list goes on. She normally does not become agitated, but I do have to roll my eyes to the comments. But, first and foremost, I have to remember it is the disease, and she really does not understand most of what goes on around her. The times that are most difficult are when she does not remember she is married, and wants hubby to go home. At times she has become angry with me when I try to straighten her out. And this is a time, I cannot just go with the flow. If she had her way, he would leave to go home many nights. She has said she will disown me if she finds out I am lying to her.

The disease just does not allow them to reason anything out the way that we would. This is hard to deal with, but not much different than when I was a child. I could never be right then either and was threatened probably hundreds if not thousands of times that I would be disowned because she always had to have the last word. Just try to remember a lot of it is the disease, some of it is so ingrained in their personalities that it could very easily get much, much worse.
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I do because I have many health problems myself and trying to drive back and forth constantly would be difficult. I grew up in a dysfunctional family so it is very hard, and I often feel like a servant. They do however let me have any money needed for expenses related to care. On the other hand, I have acted as my mother's manager since childhood, and it seems that personality traits get more pronounced as people age, so she is more high maintenance than ever. My roles in the family have not changed much, since I was often the scapegoat as a child and have continued to be blamed for anything that doesn't go as planned. I know that there are people in my neighborhood who see me as the 'burden' that my parents had to deal with. Little do they know! I have, however, found that as a caregiver I have more leverage and can stand up for myself and tell them that I refuse to be blamed for things I have no control over or for their lack of responsibility. This does not go over well, but I just walk away. My siblings have been more of the 'golden child' so they have even made fun of my 'counseling' that I had at a younger age and even make fun of me for saying that the family is dysfunctional. My parents have to almost be threatened with my leaving in order for them to agree to let the others help out. I'm finding that more and more though, they realize that it takes more than one person to do everything. Still, my health has suffered greatly and I would advise anyone who is able to live separately, to do so ( though I know that with dementia or Alzheimer's that would be nearly impossible)
The counselor that I saw briefly a few years ago said that she knew it was extremely difficult to stay stuck in the same old family roles, and it is.
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My mother managed to chide family members, so that they couldn't even leave the house, when they tried to care for her. They would then call me and say "How do you ever get out of the house?"

She was in her early 90s and wouldn't let her 70 year old daughter go out for lunch with friends. Mother would say "What if someone comes to the door?"

Trying to help someone that doesn't want help is an exercise in frustration and will affect your own health. Mother never invited the relatives to come. They just appeared there "to help."
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i lived with my mother in her home for 6 years until she passed away. it took her a long time to realize i was quite different than her husband. he worked factory and his hobby was his immaculate lawn. i work alone in masonry and hell will freeze, thaw and refreeze before ill hang a weedeater around my neck. i have a walk behind bush hog that says i only haveta mow twice a year. the last few years i think she finally understood. when you see me busting ass on something, a new motorcycle trike eventually comes roaring up out of the barn. she loved the trikes so my priorities finally made sense to her.
if your dad is abusive and pushy its up to you to push him back. hes doing it because you let him. my mother respected me because i WOULDNT bend to anyones whims -- it made her feel safe and protected.
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First our parents will always see us that their children. I know my mom and dad see me as the baby of the family who doesn't have a clue because I'm the baby even though I have a family of my own, a college degree and a career that I do well in. They will never see me as anything but their child.

Its a great thought to give up your life to help your parents stay in their home as long as possible but the reality is your father is abusive and your mom (and You) is living in fear of what your dad might do every day in order to stay in their home. Is that really how you want your mom to live out her last days - In Fear!

Its very hard to do but you have to put your emotions aside and your hope that you can provide the care they really need so they can stay in a home and really look at the situation as it is. If you had a friend in the same situation would you really recommend the choice of having parents stay at home and the mom and the care giver live in fear just to accomplish this??

It sounds like it really is time to consider other alternatives where there are trained professionals who know how to deal with the abusive behavior of your dad and can provide a safe environment for mom so she doesn't have to live her last days in fear of your dad.
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