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We divorced he remarried, now divorced. I've told them both I'm afraid that if he sees me he will think that we are still married. They answer with no he wont, and insist I should just get on and visit them both.
I also have a partner to which my ex knew this previous to being diagnosed.
I don't know what to do and it is putting a wedge between us.

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From the fear that he might mistake her etc. - no?
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CM -- sentimental desire to mend fences? Where did you pick that up? I read this as the kids not wanting Mom to stop visiting just because they are caregiving their dad. I don't see anything about what Dad wants here.

Watsup, can you clarify this?
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If I've got this right, your husband's sentimental desire to mend fences with you is driving a wedge between you and your children because you are reluctant to visit him - yes?

You owe your ex-husband nothing beyond common civility. Any other concern or assistance you offer him should be entirely a free choice - if you don't feel like it, don't do it. Your children need to take off their rose-tinted spectacles, shut their ears to his manipulative pining after you (as in "sorry, Dad, you should have thought of that before"), and learn what happens when two grown ups, even ones who used to love each other very much, get divorced.

On the other hand, you must not allow his presence to prevent your visits to your children in the ordinary way. Continue to visit. Be civil to your ex-husband if you encounter him. And if there are still problems, then arrange to see your children elsewhere than in their home.
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Jeannegibbs Thankyou for your answer and yes he was a sleazeball in our marriage and involved the children (now adults)in his sleazeball antics.to which they had to cover up and not tell me till after our divorce, he is now manipulating 2 of them against 1 other,with the 1other his actions are onto it and with the other 2 his actions are like a young child.I will be having a meeting with the 2 nx wknd and if he is in the house, I will take note.Maybe this will make my mind up.
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My parents are divorced and they cannot be in the same room together because of the dislike. It drives my sister and i crazy. I think that it is very admirable that you are thinking about going in the first place. I think you should go because it would mean alot to your kids to know that your thoughts and actions prove how much they mean to you.
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I like the suggestions above. Put the kids first in this. They will appreciate it.

Keep in mind that with dementia, he may have varying levels of memory and reasoning from visit to visit. He may forget what happened from visit to visit or think you are someone else entirely. Everyone knows this though, so it won't matter. But, the kids can't know what he will do or say, so I wouldn't hold them on this.

Is the wedge between you and the kids or you and your new partner? I couldn't tell from the post. I wouldn't think that your partner would have qualms about it. I mean, I would find any jealousy on your partner's part as extremely bizarre, under the circumstances. I hope that's not it.
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BTW, sounds like you have good, caring kids. You and your ex are very blessed. Give them lots of positive feedback, help as you can. When you visit, maybe you could make a pot of whatever their favorite comfort food from childhood was (assuming it's still a favorite). Our motto with Dad and his AD was "roll with the flow".
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Thats really a good one.."expecting a card or flowers to acknowledge her widowhood from someone she divorced"....When my Dad died my Mom was entirely unable to offer any condolence or recognition to us kids, and it seemed she never considered how we might be affected or grieving for loss of our father. But this idea above from midkid58 is an even further level of selfishness and disconnect from reality and choosing to have anger about it.
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Go see him. If he thinks you're still married, well, what can come of that? It is REALLY nice of you to want to support your kids. That is who you should be thinking of.
My in-laws divorced after 42 years of marriage. Dad was dxed with Chronic Lymphocitic Leukemia months after the divorce. MIL said she'd "be there" for the kids when he got bad. Well, long story short, she wouldn't even go to an event where he might show up. When he died, she was angry that people didn't send her flowers or acknowledge her "widowhood" to which my hubby replied "You're NOT a widow, you're a divorcee". She didn't go to the funeral, viewing, or even send a card of condolence to any of her kids. That's how deep and severe her hatred was. Don't do that to your kids. It's been 12 years and my hubby is still a little mad at his mom. Her biggest worry was that she'd been spoken of at the funeral in an unkind way!! Support your kids. I doubt you're going to see much of your ex in this sick man. Do it for the kids. And for you.
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What are you worried about? Maybe he will think you are still married. Maybe he will think you are a social worker sent by the county. Maybe he will recognize you and be fully aware of your history. It is hard to predict with someone 4 years into dementia. But, so what? How can his memory problems harm you?

Have you not seen him in the four years you've been divorced? Do you harbor very bad feelings for him? I'm cordial with my ex, but I can hardly stand to be in the same room with the sleazeball who walked out on my daughter and my seven grandchildren. So I think I relate to just plain loathing, if that is the case. But I have been in a room with the sleazeball, because I wanted to be at events like graduation of a grandchild that he would be attending, and I wanted to be supportive of my daughter. When a divorce involves children, we sometimes have to put our own feelings aside. Don't let this cause a wedge between you and your children.

And this might, just possibly, be a chance to put all the animosity in the past, freeing yourself from a burden you've been carrying. Maybe it won't, but you might get lucky.
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In my opinion these are the same kind of ridiculous fears that keep people from visiting the nursing home. So what if he thinks you are married,I seriously doubt that means he is going to invite you to his bedroom! You aren't sure what to expect and are feeling uncomfortable, get over it. Your kids wouldn't invite you if they didn't want you there.
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Visit for a short time, mostly to show support for your kids.
After divorce you certainly owe an ex nothing as it pertains to care, but your kids are dealing with a lot. He may not recongnize you at all, or if he becomes confused they will likely not want that to happen again and you will be magnanimously off the hook.
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So what if he thinks you're still married? At the end of the visit, you'll say you have to go somewhere.

I'm with the caregivers, just go and visit and roll with whatever happens. Take your cues from how to behave from them. Do you feel as though you are in danger, or are you afraid of upsetting him?
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