What’s the best way to address my parents living situation with them?

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I live in MD, my parents in FL. Per my sister and mother my father is failing. He has been diagnosed with "probable" Alzheimer's. There is alcohol involved in the living situation with all 3 of them making matters worse. My mother in my opinion is abusive verbally and emotionally to my father. I am going down there to visit to see for myself how "bad" my father is. I would also like to speak with his doctor (given my father will give me permission) as well as my mother's physician. I have been looking into Alzheimer's assisted living facilities here in MD to bring my father when the time comes. I need some advice on how to broach this subject and how to best talk to them about the way they are living when I go down there. Right now I am full of anger and I am afraid that I will not present my concerns in a manner which will be productive. Thank you.

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This will be hard for you, particularly with the alcohol problem. That does make it worse. First, understand that alcohol problems are not that unusual for elders, but doctors often miss that. You aren't alone in this worry.
Is there a good friend of theirs that could help you? So often, a third party is helpful in that it takes out the family dynamics. A faith community leader can help, too.
You can try to approach the situation with the idea that they need to plan ahead and that you've found this great assisted living center you'd like them to consider. Please do try to get HIPAA forms signed (medical privacy forms required by the government so you can talk to the doctors). You can just say that the day may come when you have to speak for them, and try to get them to sign. They may resist, so be prepared. Again, a third party may help.
If you know the doctor's names, you could write to them about your concerns. They may not be able to answer you, unless you parents have signed the forms so they can give out information, but at least you will have put them on alert.
You've got your hands full. Please let us know how it goes.
Carol
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PAM
ALL IM ASKING IS PLEASE DO NOT GO DOWN THERE ANGRY FOR ONE BECAUSE IF YOU DO THEN YOU WILL GET A DENIAL ON BOTH OF THEM AND IF ALZ IS INVOLVED YOU CANT FIGHT THEM YOU WILL HALF TO COMPROMISE SOMEHOW .BE HAPPY AS WELL AS CONCERNED JUST LET THEM KNOW IN YOUR ON WAY HOW CONCERNED YOU ARE ABOUT THE SITUATIN..BEST OF LUCK MY FRIEND
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I have a family member (step mother) in Pearl City who I am concerned about as she has no one living with her and when I went to visit she didn't know me and started talking about my dad who passed 10 years ago. I'm concerned and as I live in Washington can't do much but thought I'd try contacting you.
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