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Mom is 85, can't do a thing for herself, and refuses to leave her home. I have taken over her household to maintain her ability of living in her own home. I do not care for her 24/7, but visit weekly or at least every other week. I found an ANGEL private caretaker who basically works almost 7 days a week, 8 hours a day, doing everything for my mother. My mother is "healthy" but has severe pain in her musculo-skeletal system, severe scoliosis, torn rotators' cuffs, arthritis. She is a widow since 2012.

My mother is not a sweet, little old lady. She is stubborn, petulant, pouty, senile, and of late, very, very nasty. It's like she's lost her "filter" and thinks she can say whatever she wants. The person receiving the brunt of this is her caretaker, who is an angel from heaven, but who also happens to be sensitive in nature.

I try to keep the caretaker happy. I like her a lot and know I would never find another person to slave away for mom the way she does (strong work ethic). She has her own hard life and problems, and I'd love to pay her more, but I have to watch the funds. So I bring her little gifts and thank her profusely for all she does.

I want to scold my mother for her horrible behavior. Her excuse is she is in pain all the time, but I do not think that gives one a license to verbally abuse those around you. Where have her manners gone?

When my mother demanded something of her caretakerin in front of me, I stopped and looked her right in the eye and asked her, "What happened to 'please'?"

Do I try to have a conversation with my mother about this? With her senility, I think she will only forget whatever I say. Several months ago she was criticizing me for not being a good enough daughter, and I stopped her and reminded her of all I've taken over for her benefit plus running my own life/household! She apologized and said she doesn't know why she says the things she does to me.

Why do the elderly get this way? It is very upsetting. Any advice?

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It's the dementia that causes your mom to act like this. You can have all the discussions you want with her but she is not liable to change or be able to change. If her bad behavior hasn't chased away your caregiver yet it probably won't.

It does sound like you have an angel caregiver and I think it's wonderful that you show her how much you appreciate her. She sounds like a true professional in that she doesn't let your mom's nastiness get to her. And when your mom is being nasty to the caregiver you might advise the caregiver to react the same way you did: "Whatever happened to 'please'?" Said with a smile of course.

Not all elderly become this way but the elderly who have dementia do go through a personality change.
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My dad has reached this stage too. I was shocked to hear say such rude things to my nieces as they babysit him. Or the home care nurses. He Can be nice. He does it all the time when he wants me to do something for him. I think he's still in the stage where he can control being polite. I do dread the time when he can no longer control it. That's when I will have to learn to be patient, walk out to calm down, etc....
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I just want to bring to your attention and it doesn't matter if you have no way of trying it out. BUT when I took over my mother's care, the first thing I did was put her on a gluten free diet and reduced dairy........ after 40 yrs of moaning about her aching joints, she now strides around, and even mentioned a few months ago she didn't know where her sore bones had gone .!!!! She never had the bad affected ones with arthritis etc, just slight deformity. [ just a hint ] meanwhile as stated the dementia does remove the filter, my Pa thought he could flirt with the carers and then next minute refuse to have them in the place. according to my sister.
you can only support your angel carer, and let her know that you don't believe a word your mother sez, that she has always had a Miss Piggy personality Moi Moi, and mee mee mee all the way home. When I worked in the rest homes I was able to make a joke out of it, but there I was caring for 40-80 and moving on, being a one on one is a little harder, esp on the 8th hour.
YOu could pull your mother up by saying using nasty attitudes will mean no home help and the solution will be entering a rest home situation. So she can decide.. and see if that helps.
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Chronic pain sucks, no doubt about it. How is it being managed???

Yes, the filter does seem to go out the door with dementia. I do call my mom on it, however. You and/or the caretaker angel can FAIL TO RESPOND to the rude demand, like you didn't even hear it. In other words, rudeness gets no attention, no response. "Would you like to try asking again, but nicely?" ; ) It's the same behavior modification technique we use with children and dogs. As long as a behavior is not rewarded (unless it's self-rewarding), it will fade.
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Since you probably aren't going to change your mom, you need to keep a spectacular line of communication open with the caregiver. Most likely, she let's your mom's comments roll off of her back.

A couple of things, since I used to own an in-home care company:

There will come a day when she is sick, or her kid is sick, or she just needs a couple of days off. Be sure you have a backup plan. You may want to ask her if she has a family member who can fill in or a friend.

Also, from experience, the gifts are nice. But money would be the best gift. I know you said funds are tight, but if there were a way to just give her a "bonus" and tell her how much you appreciate her, that would be great. Tell her you will be glad to refer her later (after her services are no longer needed.)

Good luck.

Sharon
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Have a pharmacist check all her medications to check for there are any side effects with the mixture of medications. Another suggestion is have a geriatric physiologist evaluate her, they may be able to adjust some medication, the slighted change can make the world of difference. The caregiver's are angels and deserve to be treated with respect, but they know that when you are working with the elderly with dementia you need to have thick skin.
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I second SharonKay on cash bonus vs. gifts. Even if it's small amounts, it allows your Angel to apply it where most needed. And the backup plan.
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Surprisingly, I found it works to set limits and boundaries with Mom (95 with dementia). She'll pretend she doesn't understand but then later will change her behavior. Pretend she's a troublesome two-year-old.
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I had the experience of caring for a narcissistic MIL until she died a few months ago at the age of 98. Nothing we did helped. It was her nature. She was a complainer in her 40s and she got worse in the end. There were times she forgot why she didn't like me but she never forgot that she didn't like me. Toward the end, she would kick or hit or punch me whenever she could get away with it. I knew she knew better because if her son was in the room with us, she wouldn't do it but the minute her son was gone, she would take aim. If they can remember to whack you this way, they are not senile. They are angry that they got old and the rest of their lives are out of control. Looking back on the absolute non-quality of her life and the hell she wreaked on ours, I wonder why we struggled to keep her alive, make sure she ate and was cleaned, used her meds sparingly so she wouldn't be zonked out. Instead of killing her with kindness, we killed ourselves instead. My own health is very bad now and I have no real relationship with my husband. The ugly, soul searing care of his mother took up all our time and energy. I resent him for the ways he let her hurt me and I resent my own stupidity in putting up with all that hell for the 17 year we did. I should have left a long time ago. She was also jealous of our relationship from day one of our marriage. If her son was visiting her and I called him there, she would hang up and not let me talk to him. Stupid stuff like that. But it escalated. Every time you accept rudeness or hatred or being hit or hurt, you reinforce their desire to do so and their ability to get away with murder. And we call this living? Or even more ridiculous: quality of life?! Stop being an APOCALOPTIMIST: someone who knows it's all going to sh*t but thinks it will turn out all right anyway. It won't.
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Hi MaryAnn - Mom got to be the same way. In fact when I would tell her how much her behavior made me feel and she would mock me. I came on this website and figured out that I could not change her behavior but I could change my reaction to it. When she was in one of her moods and got nasty I would leave the room and go outside where she could not go. She really never learned but I made it tolerable. Yes, like gigi said she was in her terrible two's again. Also, when she was really going on about it I would picture her flying around the house on a broom. LOL It worked a little. My favorite phrase to tell her was, "I am doing the best I can". Take care of YOU!!!!
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At times I have to firmly tell my husband "I love you but I am not your dog. Never bark at your wife". I think the helplessness of being in pain and having to endure it is gut wrenching and politeness goes out the window. Yet, in order to help him I need him calm, which is not easy as he can no longer control his emotions very well. I find it helps me to leave him alone for a few minutes to collect myself and then return calmly to give him his pain medication and reposition him for greater comfort, place a heated bean bag on his arthritic knee etc. and give him some ice cream to soothe the soul, or whatever comes to mind. Once his comfort zone is restored he usually apologizes and tells me the pain made him do it. No matter how often I try to teach him to ask me politely for help right away when he feels discomfort, the pattern repeats. It is the shock of seeing me close the door on him that makes him realize he hurt my feelings.
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My answers didn't change her behavior but they made me less of a doormat:
"I don't care." and "Get out of my house NOW!" fell on deaf ears. I would also say, "If you don't want to live anymore, go down to the road and let a garbage truck run over you. You are not going to waste one more minute of my time on my way to eternity complaining." I also tried (way before this!: What good things have you done today. Did we make the breakfast you wanted? Is Katie (our cat) sitting on your lap? Do you have a comfortable bed? Can you sit in the garden?) It was all for naught. Once I realized it was never going to change, I stopped putting up with it. Her depression can drag YOU down!
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Sounds like a handful! Just out of curiosity, have you had a conversation with the doctor lately to see if there is any other way to manage her pain? I had a woman who had scoliosis, arthritis, tremor, and then got Alzheimer's. As the dementia got worse, this sweet little religious lady turned into a potty mouth! lol She wasn't able to properly communicate to us when she was in pain anymore, so she was in more pain than ever, and it manifested itself in the form of aggression and impatient disdain... we found that when we kept her on a regular schedule of pain meds, a bit stronger than usual (a whole pill instead of a half), she was so much more pleasant. ( No, it wasn't because she was drugged up, lol )Of course, later on the Alzheimer's made her very agitated regardless of her pain. Being in pain all the time is terrible for anyone, perhaps adding a muscle relaxer or anti-inflammatory, or even a different pain med, switching from Percocet to Vicodin, or even Demerol could help as well. It may have nothing to do with what's really happening with her unique circumstances, but it's a possibility. As far as talking to her about it, I doubt she will remember it long term, so maybe when she's being particularly hurtful, just gently remind her that you're only human, and are just trying to help her the best you know how, or try distraction, change the subject suddenly to something you know she likes, and just get her started on the subject. Distraction will become very valuable to you as she progresses. Best of luck to you!
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My mom is so rude and nasty also. She remembers well, but was diagnosed with Frontal Lobe Dementia due to her personality change and the inability to care for herself. She can't stay alone anymore so I highly encouraged assisted living. Finally got her there in March. Now, she is so ugly to me every time I visit because she blames me for her misery. I was there today actually and she yelled at me and I looked at her and said, "don't yell at me, please". She gave me a more evil eye and asked me why I talked to HER that way. REally? She just don't get it. Then she went on about how I wouldn't take her home with me, and so on. I told her it was time for me to go and she said, "get out of here". Which I did as she was carrying on the whole time I was shutting the door. I agree with others, you can talk to her, but the next time the filter will once again be gone. My mom is in pain for various reasons too. I do wish I could limit my visits. I have tremendously since she is in AL. I go once a week and call two times a week. I would like to go even less, but then it just gets worse. I tell my mom I am doing the best I can, but in her mind, she doesn't think so. Nothing will ever be enough. I wish I had all the answers, but I am afraid this is the way it is now. It will just be up to us on what we decide to do, because they aren't going to change. --They are not able to. Best of Luck!
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Pain can make them cranky, but sometimes the painkillers actually worsen the angry behavior. We found this out the hard way when Mom broke her shoulder. We've also tried Ativan, Xanax, Zoloft and Celexa. I'd like to see her try an SNRI like Cymbalta, but she has A-fib and the MD won't prescribe it. Hope you find some answers.
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I was starting to experience this same thing with my mom. And, not only would I take the brunt of her anger and rudeness as one of her caregivers (45-50 hours a week), the other caregivers were taking a good deal of abuse, too.

My sister heard of a drug called citalopram, which a long time friend of hers was taking. He has Alzheimer's but once was a VP of a big medical organization which I will not mention.

Though my mom is not a big drug taker, but an MD prescribed it for her and it has slowly mellowed her out...not zonked out...just not so nasty.

Perhaps citalopram will help your loved one from being so rude. If the rudeness is a part of dementia, then we are the ones who must take the action to help. Note, it took two MDs to get it finally prescribed. The geriatric MD was useless...what is with some of these geriatric MFs??? Anyway, the drug is to reduce anxiety and by doing so might reduce the problem you are having. It has helped in my mom's case.

Best wishes. Hang in there...take care of you, too!
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I think it is always worth trying to reason with anyone, because it depends on the type of dementia. My husband has Lewy Body Dementia (LBD) and he remembers something I told him 6 years ago. Alzheimer effects short term memory, so stuff doesn't get processed into long-term memory. LBD effects the executive function, i.e. the ability to make decisions and follow instructions, but he remembers ultimatums. When he first got diagnosed, at the age of 56, he was angry and bitter, which was understandable But when he started striking out at me verbally, I told him that I didn't do this to him and was just a angry as he was. HOWEVER, I was not going to live my life like this. He had a choice to accept it and make the best of a crappy situation OR I was out of here. Because I was not going live my life being yelled at or put down by anyone for any reason. Like I said 6 years and now in mid-stage, he remembers and on a regular basis even remembers to thank me for sticking with him. I also try to remember to tell him what a good job he is doing, because he still tries to help around the house. When one of us has a bad day and gets cranky, we make sure we apologize to the other. So far this has worked for us. At some point, it may not, but we'll cross that bridge, when we get there.
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It won't make a difference because she won't remember you talking to her about it. She will continue being rude because thats what she does now. Its part of her dementia..
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I agree with with the "bonus" of money and the back up plan. Does your Angel say anything to you about how your mom treats her?
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Pointing her rudeness out to her will do no good. I would try talking to her caregiver and make sure that you know how much she does for your mom and how much you appreciate her. Let her know that the rude behavior comes with senile dementia and if she has questions about dementia there are some good web sites for her to visit. I worked in home care for 5 years and had some pretty hard clients to deal with...it's not an easy job but it can be rewarding when you know you are helping someone who needs it. Good luck.
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Finding a caregiver like that is a godsend and very difficult to replace.
I don't know the nature of the gifts you give her to show your appreciation, but I agree with others with others that, if they are purchased gifts, she would probably better appreciate the money as an occasional 'bonus', even if it's a small amount. On the other hand, if you do something like make a dinner for her and her family and stop by to give it to her as she's leaving for the day, I'm sure that thoughtfulness is greatly appreciated.
Make sure you have a very open line of communication with the caregiver and that she feels like she can call you (or someone else) as a lifeline if she ever feels she's about to 'crack' under the verbal abuse. Talk with her and come up with some strategies for times when your mom is particularly piling on the insults and rudeness.
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Yes, with dementia the inhibitions do get 'lost'. Your mother is able to speak and communicate, I agree with about, call her out. Make sure the caregiver knows it's no reflection on her. Visit a support group-you are not alone. You are lucky to have found a provider that will take care of your mother so its important to make sure she is taken care of also, she can also benefit from a support group.
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Call her on it each time as you have in the past. Don't let a comment go by without addressing how inappropriate, mean, nasty, or selfish it is. But you have to be relentless until you see how hesitant she MAY become after several of these jolts to her so far allowed bad behavior. Being old doesn't change the rules for being civil to others. She hasn't worried about your sensitivity, so maybe its time to turn the tables. You can be respectful, but serious and stand your ground.
Terie Novak - author "Bold Actions for Helping Older Parents". Try it - you may be surprised.
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Thank you, everyone, for your thoughts and suggestions. I sincerely appreciate your taking time to post your thoughts!
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I have been a Care Giver the past 5 years. I can't begin to tell you how much I highly agree with what has been said. I also highly agree with what has been said about medications: "Have a pharmacist check all her medications to check for there are any side effects with the mixture of medications. Another suggestion is have a Geriatric Physiologist evaluate her and the medicines she is presently taking, they may be able to adjust some of her medications, the slightest change can make the world of difference".

Caregiver's are angels and deserve to be treated with respect. They know that when you are working with the elderly with dementia you need to have thick skin.
Telling an elderly patient not to misbehave and not to be rude is like telling a child not to do this. A child will do the complete opposite. The best thing for a Care Giver to do is to let anything negative just roll off their back. The best thing for a Care Giver and family member to do is try to be this patient's good friend. Remember your "best friend" and how you always loved and respected them?
Hopefully within time this will help to alter the elderly patient's feelings and attitudes. I wish you and your Care Giver the best of luck in taking care of your mother. Please know that I am in the same boat with you in taking care of my mother. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.
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