How should you address loved one's dying wishes when you don't want to do what they are asking of you?

Austin you are a very special person for what you have gone through and what you do for folks,but people dying would rather be with the ones they love the most----if given the choice.

I would leave it up to your children and if you feel you yourself can not be there at the end you should not be when my husband passed away my adult children and teenage grand-daughter were there with me but we knew the end was near he had been taken off his life-support meds because he had no chance of recovery at all. That does not mean she will be alone-in this day and age with DNR's required for just about anyone esp. the elders a nurse will usually stay with a patient when the end is close-nurses usually know-I was a nurse and stayed with many dieing pt.s when the end was near if they were a DNR.

O.k. I RAN THE KID AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER... but you must understand she has been through more than most of you all,she did not chose for her dad to die,he just did,yes we all were very close,and yes her opinion matters greatly.We are not in the age of kids being seen and not heard,she reads this site as I do,she also notices alot of adults think more of themselves than others. I however do agree with PAM,about not making a kid do something they do not want to do,not all kids love grandma and grandpa or mom and dad the same.Some folks I don't want to be around alive much least dead or dying.When someone is grieving-freaking out[you grieve before someone dies you know]you don't always make the right choice,but you still have to live with it.Thats where my concern is.DEATH AND DYING SUCKS PERIOD,but to live with no regrets makes it bareable.Yes, I did give her permission to use the computer to write her feelings.Thanks LILLIPUT for your opinion,I AGREE 100 PERCENT,BUT IT WAS MY DAUGHTER WHO GAVE YOU THE STAR.

U R so right AlwaysMyDuty.....so right:)

Pamela, that was beautifully stated. There's a difference in coddling and giving a child the freedom to make their own decisions.
I'd like to ask if nana only told the chaplain about her wishes or has she stated this to you also, pooh?
I can only use my mom as a gauge, but one of her wishes is to have a certain preacher conduct her service when she passes. She insists on it. Well, goodness alive, this man has to be 95, if he's even still alive. She's letting her wants overrule reality. Sometimes a dying wish is impossible to fulfill.

Seems like both tennessee and tennessee's daughter are very angry. Life must have really dealt you a raw deal.

But it's good to know that you're both on this forum helping and encouraging people, that is what this site is all about.

Both of you keep up the good work, and remain blessed, highly favored, and in the midst of miracles.

tennessee's daughter- Thank you Lilliput for having common sense and not being selfish.Yes, it is appalling for leaving loved ones to die alone and death IS a natural part of life even though it is very sad.I also hate to think what the future is going to look like.

tennessee's daughter - No, pam for me it is summer vacation and I am a straight A student the lowest grade I got on my report card final EVER was a A-.And I chose to be with my grandfather and dad because I LOVE them.And just to let you know I read these comments because I was a caregiver for MUCH longer than 4 months.

I just don't think an elder should make the decision for a child to witness their death. It should be left up to the child. If that child has had a healthy and wonderful relationship with that elder, they will make the right choice, but it should be their choice and they should come to it by themselves.

Death is just a natural part of life and I think we do children (and ourselves) a big diservice by making this natural passing a fearful event. Sure, it is not a pretty sight watching someone we love leave us. On the other hand, leaving them alone to die when we could have been present is apalling to me.
I am afraid that we are not allowing children and young people to step up and take responsibility on many levels. I hate to think what their future is going to look like.

hmmmmmmmmmmm isn't today a school day?

Hi,this is tennessee's daughter.I am 10 years old.I helped my mom when my grandfather was sick and I was only six. I was in the ICU with him when I was six or seven.We basically lived with him for a while. We visited him as often as we could when he was in the hospital and nearly every day when he wasn't.I was with him because I loved him.My dad had cancer nearly all my life and I didn't go to a different room.I was four and younger. I went to the hospital with him and I didn't mind.I just wished for him to get better.I was in the same room he was in when he died I was asleep but I was in the same room.I woke up right after he died though. I thought he was asleep.
I think there are some wimps and selfish people on this sight and yes, I think you are selfish for thinking this pooh4292. You should forfill your mothers wish.And yes my mom gave me permission to write.

Pooh what a great topic, and this is a great question.

My 21 yr old is like your son. He is sensitive and get's quite upset when he goes to see my mom, (his grandma). He always tries to be hard, but once he sets foot into her room and starts talking to mom he has to go out for a time, and he actually cries.

My 19 yr old on the other hand is quite good with my mom. He spends time, right next to her and reads to her, and makes her laugh. Whatever she needs he's there for her. He has always been able to make us all laugh.

I wouln't push my sons into anything they didn't want to do. If they chose not to be there I would accept it. I've already spoken about this with them and one never knows when that time comes what will happen. I may break down and they may need to be there for me, I just don't know. But as far as holding them to being there to watch someone die, I wouldn't commit them to that. They've gone through something similar with my X's mother and it took them a long time to get over it. Every child is different and mourns in different ways.

Sure they will get old, I pray they live a long healthy life. I pray they have a great relationship with God, a great family, and great health. But I would let them say what they wanted, and they themselves would have to live with it.

I pray that my moms transition is peaceful and that she not be afraid to let go. I also pray that same prayer for myself when my time comes.

I hope this helps.

I left out the word LIFE,IF YOU HAVE ONE OR TWO PEOPLE IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE YOU CAN COUNT ON ,YOU ARE LUCKY-LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT THE GOOD AND THE WONDERFUL-KIDS SHOULD KNOW THIS-THEY WILL BE OLD ONE DAY THEM-SELVES,DO THEY WANT TO BE ABANDONED AT THE END. 18 YEAR OLD BOYS GO TO WAR EVERYDAY TO KILL AND GET KILLED; WHO SHELTERS THEM.A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL I UNDERSTAND, BUT A 18 YEAR OLD- YOUNG MAN NEEDS TO BE TAUGHT NOT TO RUN FROM THE ONES YOU LOVE-SHE IS STILL HIS GRANDMA AND SHE IS THE ONE THAT IS SICK.One day he may be sick and he may not be so cool,will he want to feel abondoned at the end.

I think its a crying shame that people run from the bad times but are there for the good times,if you can't trust family to uphold your wishes who can you trust.I told my daughter[whom was almost five when she saw her dad take his last breath]if you have one or two people in your whole you can trust,count yourself lucky.I for one am glad I have been one of those people someone can count on.

pooh, my heart goes out to you in your situation. There are so many choices. I'm sure your nana's main concern is that she doesn't want to die alone. I can understand her wanting you there but not your kids. You don't want them to experience it so they shouldn't plan to be there, they're your kids and you know what's best for them. Maybe you and the chaplain can find some way of reassuring nana that someone will be with her if possible. When my dad passed away at home, my 20yr old daughter and I were on our way out to get groceries when a huge thunderstorm blew in so we stayed waiting for it to get over. Dad died peacefully with us by his bedside giving him words of encouragement. To this day, we both are thankful for that storm or we'd have missed saying goodbye. On the other hand, my grandma died all alone in the hospital a few hrs after my daughter and I'd been to visit. It makes me sad to think she was by herself. To be there or not be there is such a personal decision. If you choose not to be there don't feel guilty about it. Nana could pass in the middle of the night in her sleep and it's doubltful you'd be there anyway. I truly believe she's afraid and just wants to know she won't be by herself. Sometimes a dying wish is impossible to keep.