How should you address loved one's dying wishes when you don't want to do what they are asking of you?

POOH:

Tennessee's daughter went straight to the point, while I tried to be political with my support. I absolutely loved her comment. She's so strong ... and a kind heart to boot. She's already seen one of the faces of death, and her preparation is well under way because she knows that life is a cycle. Death, then, is also a beginning.

POOH:

Knowing that you're going to die, in my opinion, isn't as scary as the thought of dying alone. Because you're not sure how your children are going to handle one of the most important lessons in life, I suggest you leave them out of it ... for now.

If only we all took the time to prepare for death and accept it as a natural part of life itself, holding a moribund woman's hand to allay her fears and comfort her while she makes her way back to where she came from we wouldn't be so afraid. Pooh, it's time for you to face that fear and begin to prepare for when your time comes.

I wish you the best my friend, and stay in touch.

Pooh I'm praying for you as well. I'm praying your nana transcends peacefully.

Ibarro, We all have to do what is best for us. I agree with you. It's not something I would want to do, and I think others should respect everyone's way of dealing with something that is very personal. People should not be criticized for how they handle any situation in life.Each one of us does the best we can!

even though that are her wishes, she can't force you to do so, them, don't worry-i know is easy to say-bla-bla-bla-.DON'T DO IT AND THAT'S IT!. my family wanted me to see my stepfather dying and I didn't -I didn't want to-I was 3 hours away in a country in my homeland-without car-so I couldn't make it-even if I could, I didn't want to. and they bla-bla-bla-bla-. talked bad about me but I don't care.

I will say a prayer that she passes peacefully.

In answer to the statement that people need their loved ones with them as they pass not a nurse I agree I was referring to those pt.s who had noone there from their family or friends and the family would be called when the end was near but actually a lot of people do die alone and that is the time I would be with them and hold their hand and it is true that people to a deep comma can hear we had a pt. that was not expected to recover who did and she told us what she had heard when she was unresponsive.

Pooh, I'm praying for your nana, for you and for your kids. God will take care of things and He will guide you.

Thank y'all so very much for your kind words, and your support...nana made a rapid decline, and hopsice her best guess of time left is 12-24 hours, but she could hang on another day or 2. My oldest spent the night here last night, and came back today, he stayed as long as he could, and told nana he loves her, i respect that...my lil one said his goodbyes and told nana he loves her, and he's gone to his dad's for a couple of days....if she makes it thru the night my oldest will be back tomorrow for a brief visit, and that is fine with me. As for me, I'm spending time in there, and time out of there....what is God's will be his will, I'm just thankful she isnt suffering...

I was with my mother-in-law the night her husband, my father-in-law took his last breath. I gotta say it was AWFUL, but I am so glad I was with my mil when it happened. Hospice knew it would be at any time, so we were semi prepared and started all night vigils, though I ended up being the one that was there at midnight sitting with her. Ask hospice when they know she has very little time left that the family to be notified. I see nothing wrong with a teenager being there, and also I would ask the 10 year old what he thinks about being there too. Now if it's at 2am, it might not be practical for the kids, but as for you pooh, be there if you can. You will never regret that decision. No one ever said it was going to be a picnic.

I would be in contact with Hospice in your area---and see what they have to suggest. They are wonderful people to work with, and will offer comfort to the family. You may have to go thru your physician to bring them onboard-not sure what the ruling is.
Best~
Hap

Pooh: talk to the Chaplain. Explain your concerns. Then perhaps you and the Chaplain can talk to your nana together. Some of our elders are very frightened even if they believe in the Lord, when they feel the end is near.

Tennesee's daughter: you are a very brave young lady. Not everyone your age can be that brave, and those that are not as brave need to be comforted when loses occur. My great-neice (also 10yrs old) was terrified to see her greatgrandmother at the funeral. We didn't force her to, but she went with me to the nursing and was perfectly at ease there when other family members would not go!

We need to talk to those who are involved (Nana, if they are able to understand) and see what the best solution is. There is never just ONE answer, but there are always plenty of questions.

Be strong. Listen to our elders... one day (God willing) we will be old too with wishes of our own and hopefully someone will be willing to uphold those wishes.

Being with someone as they die is not as bad as one expects. I've been with an uncle and with my own father, both died of cancer. They seemed to sleep very deeply, then their breathing became more and more shallow until it stopped. There is a death "grimace" that can be a bit scary but it's basically the last energy being let out by the facial muscles. I'm a spiritual person and don't follow a specific religious doctrine but I do believe that in each case, I felt their spirit leave the body. For me, these experiences confirms our life after death.

Being with them was important for me not just to them; it was a sign of love and respect for them. One could argue that they were so out of it that they wouldn't know otherwise but I am convinced they knew I and other family were there. Supporting someone like this is not about YOU it's about THEM and what they need. It's okay to permit your kids to stay home; it's their choice but please consider that your own fear may make they afraid. If your Nana gets hospice care they will do a good job of making her physically comfortable; you shouldn't have to do a thing. for your own comfort I suggest that you talk with them about the process of death that your Nana will go through. Ask as many questions as you can think of. Given that it's emphysema, she might go into a coma and die in her sleep; the worst part of that death is the long days prior and being unable to breath. She might also become easily confused due to lack of oxygen - these are all details the hospice or her doctor and provide. If you know what to expect it will be less scary for you. If YOU need someone with you then ask a friend or the chaplain to be there with you at the end. They are experienced at this as well.

As for you Nana, tell her you love her as often as possible. When she asks again tell her you'll do all you can to ensure she's comfortable and loved. It's not a lie - you will do all you CAN- emotionally and physically .. but I do urge you to prepare yourself so that it's less scary. If you do loose it - so what! It's your loved relative, crying at their loss is completely acceptable and normal. Once she's gone, you might also have a sense of relief; don't feel guilty! It's normal and it's because you no longer see them suffering and living in some place other than "home". Seeing Nana through this process is one of the two hardest things you can do in life, the other is childbirth. If you can get through that you can get through anything! Hang in there, ask for help and support for her and for yourself. Good luck and blessings to you all.

I do agree with you and understand where you and your daughter are coming from. On the other hand, not everyone experiences grief that young. If your daughter had not been through these experiences so young, I'm sure you would not be going out of your way to teach her about this kind of grief if it were not happening so close to you. Again, I think you are raising your daughter to be a very remarkable girl and I'm sure she will be a very compassionate adult someday. After all, being compassionate is understanding that everyone CAN have a different way of dealing with the many trials that life throws at us.
Maybe she should think about becoming a doctor. She definitely will be an asset in any field that involves helping people!
Needless to say, it's great to see such a young person stand up to her strong feelings. As she gets older, she will also come to understand and respect that we all have the right to deal with life in our own way.
In the end, we only have to answer to God and ourselves. It doesn't matter what other people think about how we choose to live our lives, as long as we can live with our own actions.
Keep on doing what you're doing. You have a great little girl!

Deefer,how do you shield a kid from her dad dying of cancer-leave him-find a new and healthy version. I know of alot of men who get dumped by their woman when they get sick. We have ST. JUDES and Laboner childrens hospital in MEMPHIS where children every day are dying of cancer and other things,how do you shield them. When her first kitty died, I guess I could have told her it ran away,but I didn't;if you can't trust your mom who can you trust.When you can give me a answer,I'll be sure to let the folks at ST. JUDE know.I guess that little girl that passed away last year in her class,everyone should have been shiielded from her and her illness also.No, the whole school laughed and cryed with her, and her mom.

Hey Tennennee's daughter. You sound very mature for your age! You have been around a lot of sickness and death for someone so young and I think that has made dying a very big part of your young life. Young children learn and absorb everything around them naturally. You are definitely a testament to this!
Most children never go through the things you have, and therefore don't have the understanding of how to cope with such loss and sadness. Parents are there to make things easier for their children, and most of us try to shield them from this kind of sadness. Unless sickness and death are right in your own home, it's hard to describe the feeling each individual will have towards the subject.
I for one did not suffer a family loss until I was 18, and it was devastating. Those memories and feelings made me protect my daughter from having to go through the same pain whenever I could, while she was growing up.
I think it's very admirable that you feel this way, but I can't help but think how sad it is for you to have even had to go through so much as such a young age. I for one, have a very hard time dealing with such sadness and don't feel anyone should be called a wimp or selfish for not being able to cope with death.
What is your biggest fear? A huge spider climbing up your leg? Next time that happens to you, remember how it feels, and maybe you will be mature enough to understand other people's fears, not matter what it is.

Bob, you have said it all and said it so eloquently. I am very sorry that your Mom may be on her deathbed this evening. May you both find comfort in being with each other tonight and as long as God grants your Mom breath. Yes, it is hard, and like you, my love of my Mom as my life-long best friend doesn't want to lose her. Intellectually, just like you, neither do I want my beloved mother to suffer. In the end, when that time comes, is all in God's hands, not ours. If it is any consolation, I learned when my beloved Dad died many years ago that love never, ever dies. Your love for your Mom shines bright. Cry the night away if you need to. Those are healing tears coming from your heart which is filled with love. Will say a little prayer for you and Mom before I turn in to bed tonight. Peace, and much love.

Please all remember how sad we all are in our own lives while we deal with the transistions of those we love so much. All I do is cry.
No one is selfish, no one is angry and no one hurts like we all hurt in our own ways.
There is a world of difference between anger and grief. And our grief will surface in unusual ways.
blessings to all who take the time to answer and help those of us who need the help and support to make it through another day.

Pooh: you are right. God will decide and at the end of the day it all really doesn't matter. You and your children love your nana and she knows that and so does God. he will spare you and yours what you truly cannot handle and it's no concern to anyone but you and your children.
Your nana will be released from her pain and she will know the truth and the huge scope of your love and she will smile with the countenance of a saint when she takes her place in the heavens.

As for the thoughts of our 10 year old 'old soul', I am interested in what you have to say. You are a caring individual to take your time to help us and what you did wth your Dad and Grandad is so sweet and enough to bring me to tears. Just please be tender with us because we are bruised and broken with life and the pain we feel now is something you have already experienced and have the wisdom to help guide us and I for one thank you. Just be tender with Pooh and her children and Pamela and her amazing challenges while she cares for her mom. We are all tired and sore and ready to be on the BOAT!

Wish I had something more intelligent to say but I am in fear that my mom won't last the night and I can't stop crying. I want her to be released from her suffering but the selfish part of me dosen't want her to go. Ow. Hurts so bad. I hope I'm next to her when it happens.
I sat ther so long yesterday that my butt fell asleep. I didn't realize it was asleep until I tried to walk across the room. I'm walking like one of Jerry's kids and mom sees me and gives me the eyebrows as in what's up and I said A** asleep and she laughed. I could live with a sleepy butt forever if I could hear my mother's laugh.

Love to all and please let's love each other. In some cases we are all each of us has. (Like my case).

lovbob

pooh4292, the replies which have been shared with you thus far reflect tremendous compassion, wisdom and caring. The question and issue you pose is a sensitive and complex issue. I wholeheartedly understand and support your candid sharing that even though you love your nana, you would rather not be at her side when she takes her last breaths. There is nothing wrong with your wish. It is true that your nana does not wish to die alone. I am sure there are many people who feel the same way. Letting go is never easy. Don't allow yourself to crumble under the pressure of how you may be perceived because of what you feel and have shared here. If you are not present with your nana when she dies, your love for her will not be any less. In death, as in life, our individual comfort level should always remain visible. Your nana's expectation is hers, not yours. Let the chaplain know how you feel. I can't imagine a hospice professional who will not understand where you are emotionally on this issue. A good hospice professional will help you to sort through your feelings - if you wish to do so, but if you don't wish to sort through the issues at this time, there is nothing wrong with that, either. You may be on emotional overload and at your limit for the time being. I respect that, and understand. You need to move at your own pace. For me, fast-forwarding one's emotions to adjust to someone else's expectation of what you should be doing is not helpful or emotionally healthy.

Whatever your final decision may be, make it right for you. Love transcends rituals. Best to you, your children and your nana during this difficult period in your lives. Am saying a little prayer for right outcomes and guidance for you. Keep sharing if it helps any, ok?

first and foremost, i did state that if it had to be, I would be there by her side, holding her hand, doing whatever she wanted when she goes home, I just wish she would pass in her sleep, neither alone nor wirh us, just go to sleep and wake up with God. I would never deprive her of her wish, if that is God's will too, I was just stating my uneasiness with this. i lost my mom @ 7 y.o. in which nana took over, adopted me, raised me and gave up her life for me, I had no problem doing the same, i have been anything but selfish...and my 18 year old knows what he can handle, he came over tonight when she was having a very hard time, and it killed him to see her like that, that's not his nana and it's painful for him. I know adults who make choices to go see sick ones b/c of the pain it causes, it seems more understandable froma kid's pointn of view, esp one who has had a rough past himself...and as far as the 10 year old, i will give him a choice, but i dont want him to be traumatized by witnessing his nana die....that's gotta be painful and will break my heart...well whats not already broken....i can only imagine what it would do to a child that may not even grasp the reality of death, this will be his first. I appreciate the advice and the things that y'all shared in your experiences...I did talk to the chaplain today, and we prayed for what is God's will, for that is wht it all comes down to. She's declining rapidly and i've been there every minute she's needed me i wont abandon her in her last minutes, ijust wanted insight into how others felt and some opinions...didnt expect to be called selfish or have my son torn in to b/c of who he is and what he can handle :( sorry if im steppinng on toes...

Thanks, Crowe, it really means a lot to read your words. I don't know why after all these long years it means so much to me to think dad heard me, but it does. This topic has made me miss my dad today. I am a lot like my dad, very private, never wanting a fuss made. If dad could've picked how he wanted things to go down, he would've voted for going to the woods alone and waiting for it to be over, like an aged animal. I pretty much second that when it comes to my time. He always told me it wasn't the dying that was important or the funeral or who came to see you. It was your relationship with God and knowing you were going to heaven. Sorry, I didn't mean to get preachy. I just think dad was right.

When it was apparent that I was not going to die but who knew how long remain in a semi-consious state, I did remember each person who came into the room and what they said. My mind did not let me completely remember everything about the almost death inflicting accident until I got off of the dilanten a year later. Then, it all rushed in my head like a bolt of lightiing and I found myself going to each person telling them what I had heard them talk about. That experience made me very aware of the need to be careful and wise what we say around people we don't think actually hear us.

I've visited people in hospital rooms that no one thought was awake or would wake up to whom I read from the Bible and they remebered it when they came totally too later.

From all of that, I would say it is very likely that your dad did hear you.

Crowe, I said in my first post that nana might die in her sleep one night and none of the family might not be there with her. I was trying to say that unless nana is unplugged, only God knows exactly when she's going to pass away. I say this because of the timing involving my dad's death. We thought dad had a few months left. It was only by God's dealing that my daughter and I were with dad the evening he died. Otherwise, I would have had to plan to be with dad 24/7, just like you said.
Even though my dad was dying, I want so badly to believe he heard my words. Thanks Crowe for saying that the hearing is the last to go.

Yes and that last line actualy is a quote from John Wesley's dying moments.

To get techical, God was there at the very moment of our conception as our parents were co-creators with God of us as a living being.

Amen, God is with us in life, death, and after death!

Even greater Crowe God is with us in Life and Death. Now ain't that a gas!

This probably will either sound depressed or like True Grit.

Concerning being alone.

1. In a sense, we are alone in the womb when we go through the birth cannal until we are actually born.

2. There are critical decisions that each person can only make for themselves if they are to grow in that developmental stage of life. In those times, we often feel alone.

3. When it comes to the actual act or experience of dying our hearing, if we had any to begin with, is gone and in a sense we die alone which lasts until we are on the other side where we are no longer alone.

Best of all, God is with us.

Amen Crowe Amen!

"She told the hospice chaplain that she wants to die with me and my two boys at her side....um, "

1. When the hospice chaplian shared this with you did they also include how they responded? My own take on this woud have been to validate her feelings while encouraging her to express and discuss this wish with you.

2. The one thing that I have not read in any response is the issue of timing probability. I've seen enough people die which included times when the family was called during which experiences the exact or even close to it time of death was varried.

What I am trying to say is that while the fear of abandonment and the desire to die without feeling alone is entirely understandable, the likelyhood of any one particular family member being right there by her side at her precise point of death has a very, very low probability. The only way to increase the probability is to stay right there 24/7 which is neither healthy nor realistic.

3. What advice or instruction did the hospice chaplain offer?

Having almost died myself many years ago, I will say that from my own experience the medical information is very true that the very last sense to go is hearing.

This is not an easy situation at all and one which needs all of us to be supportive first and foremost.

tennessee my sister is not doing all the caregiving. There is a 3-way split between the helper, my sister and myself.

Hey Maxine nice to hear from you. That's good to know that a nurse will usually remain with a patient in their time of need.