How should you address loved one's dying wishes when you don't want to do what they are asking of you?

Hey Tennennee's daughter. You sound very mature for your age! You have been around a lot of sickness and death for someone so young and I think that has made dying a very big part of your young life. Young children learn and absorb everything around them naturally. You are definitely a testament to this!
Most children never go through the things you have, and therefore don't have the understanding of how to cope with such loss and sadness. Parents are there to make things easier for their children, and most of us try to shield them from this kind of sadness. Unless sickness and death are right in your own home, it's hard to describe the feeling each individual will have towards the subject.
I for one did not suffer a family loss until I was 18, and it was devastating. Those memories and feelings made me protect my daughter from having to go through the same pain whenever I could, while she was growing up.
I think it's very admirable that you feel this way, but I can't help but think how sad it is for you to have even had to go through so much as such a young age. I for one, have a very hard time dealing with such sadness and don't feel anyone should be called a wimp or selfish for not being able to cope with death.
What is your biggest fear? A huge spider climbing up your leg? Next time that happens to you, remember how it feels, and maybe you will be mature enough to understand other people's fears, not matter what it is.

Deefer,how do you shield a kid from her dad dying of cancer-leave him-find a new and healthy version. I know of alot of men who get dumped by their woman when they get sick. We have ST. JUDES and Laboner childrens hospital in MEMPHIS where children every day are dying of cancer and other things,how do you shield them. When her first kitty died, I guess I could have told her it ran away,but I didn't;if you can't trust your mom who can you trust.When you can give me a answer,I'll be sure to let the folks at ST. JUDE know.I guess that little girl that passed away last year in her class,everyone should have been shiielded from her and her illness also.No, the whole school laughed and cryed with her, and her mom.

I do agree with you and understand where you and your daughter are coming from. On the other hand, not everyone experiences grief that young. If your daughter had not been through these experiences so young, I'm sure you would not be going out of your way to teach her about this kind of grief if it were not happening so close to you. Again, I think you are raising your daughter to be a very remarkable girl and I'm sure she will be a very compassionate adult someday. After all, being compassionate is understanding that everyone CAN have a different way of dealing with the many trials that life throws at us.
Maybe she should think about becoming a doctor. She definitely will be an asset in any field that involves helping people!
Needless to say, it's great to see such a young person stand up to her strong feelings. As she gets older, she will also come to understand and respect that we all have the right to deal with life in our own way.
In the end, we only have to answer to God and ourselves. It doesn't matter what other people think about how we choose to live our lives, as long as we can live with our own actions.
Keep on doing what you're doing. You have a great little girl!

Being with someone as they die is not as bad as one expects. I've been with an uncle and with my own father, both died of cancer. They seemed to sleep very deeply, then their breathing became more and more shallow until it stopped. There is a death "grimace" that can be a bit scary but it's basically the last energy being let out by the facial muscles. I'm a spiritual person and don't follow a specific religious doctrine but I do believe that in each case, I felt their spirit leave the body. For me, these experiences confirms our life after death.

Being with them was important for me not just to them; it was a sign of love and respect for them. One could argue that they were so out of it that they wouldn't know otherwise but I am convinced they knew I and other family were there. Supporting someone like this is not about YOU it's about THEM and what they need. It's okay to permit your kids to stay home; it's their choice but please consider that your own fear may make they afraid. If your Nana gets hospice care they will do a good job of making her physically comfortable; you shouldn't have to do a thing. for your own comfort I suggest that you talk with them about the process of death that your Nana will go through. Ask as many questions as you can think of. Given that it's emphysema, she might go into a coma and die in her sleep; the worst part of that death is the long days prior and being unable to breath. She might also become easily confused due to lack of oxygen - these are all details the hospice or her doctor and provide. If you know what to expect it will be less scary for you. If YOU need someone with you then ask a friend or the chaplain to be there with you at the end. They are experienced at this as well.

As for you Nana, tell her you love her as often as possible. When she asks again tell her you'll do all you can to ensure she's comfortable and loved. It's not a lie - you will do all you CAN- emotionally and physically .. but I do urge you to prepare yourself so that it's less scary. If you do loose it - so what! It's your loved relative, crying at their loss is completely acceptable and normal. Once she's gone, you might also have a sense of relief; don't feel guilty! It's normal and it's because you no longer see them suffering and living in some place other than "home". Seeing Nana through this process is one of the two hardest things you can do in life, the other is childbirth. If you can get through that you can get through anything! Hang in there, ask for help and support for her and for yourself. Good luck and blessings to you all.

Pooh: talk to the Chaplain. Explain your concerns. Then perhaps you and the Chaplain can talk to your nana together. Some of our elders are very frightened even if they believe in the Lord, when they feel the end is near.

Tennesee's daughter: you are a very brave young lady. Not everyone your age can be that brave, and those that are not as brave need to be comforted when loses occur. My great-neice (also 10yrs old) was terrified to see her greatgrandmother at the funeral. We didn't force her to, but she went with me to the nursing and was perfectly at ease there when other family members would not go!

We need to talk to those who are involved (Nana, if they are able to understand) and see what the best solution is. There is never just ONE answer, but there are always plenty of questions.

Be strong. Listen to our elders... one day (God willing) we will be old too with wishes of our own and hopefully someone will be willing to uphold those wishes.

I would be in contact with Hospice in your area---and see what they have to suggest. They are wonderful people to work with, and will offer comfort to the family. You may have to go thru your physician to bring them onboard-not sure what the ruling is.
Best~
Hap

I was with my mother-in-law the night her husband, my father-in-law took his last breath. I gotta say it was AWFUL, but I am so glad I was with my mil when it happened. Hospice knew it would be at any time, so we were semi prepared and started all night vigils, though I ended up being the one that was there at midnight sitting with her. Ask hospice when they know she has very little time left that the family to be notified. I see nothing wrong with a teenager being there, and also I would ask the 10 year old what he thinks about being there too. Now if it's at 2am, it might not be practical for the kids, but as for you pooh, be there if you can. You will never regret that decision. No one ever said it was going to be a picnic.

Thank y'all so very much for your kind words, and your support...nana made a rapid decline, and hopsice her best guess of time left is 12-24 hours, but she could hang on another day or 2. My oldest spent the night here last night, and came back today, he stayed as long as he could, and told nana he loves her, i respect that...my lil one said his goodbyes and told nana he loves her, and he's gone to his dad's for a couple of days....if she makes it thru the night my oldest will be back tomorrow for a brief visit, and that is fine with me. As for me, I'm spending time in there, and time out of there....what is God's will be his will, I'm just thankful she isnt suffering...

Pooh, I'm praying for your nana, for you and for your kids. God will take care of things and He will guide you.

In answer to the statement that people need their loved ones with them as they pass not a nurse I agree I was referring to those pt.s who had noone there from their family or friends and the family would be called when the end was near but actually a lot of people do die alone and that is the time I would be with them and hold their hand and it is true that people to a deep comma can hear we had a pt. that was not expected to recover who did and she told us what she had heard when she was unresponsive.

I will say a prayer that she passes peacefully.

even though that are her wishes, she can't force you to do so, them, don't worry-i know is easy to say-bla-bla-bla-.DON'T DO IT AND THAT'S IT!. my family wanted me to see my stepfather dying and I didn't -I didn't want to-I was 3 hours away in a country in my homeland-without car-so I couldn't make it-even if I could, I didn't want to. and they bla-bla-bla-bla-. talked bad about me but I don't care.

Ibarro, We all have to do what is best for us. I agree with you. It's not something I would want to do, and I think others should respect everyone's way of dealing with something that is very personal. People should not be criticized for how they handle any situation in life.Each one of us does the best we can!

Pooh I'm praying for you as well. I'm praying your nana transcends peacefully.

POOH:

Knowing that you're going to die, in my opinion, isn't as scary as the thought of dying alone. Because you're not sure how your children are going to handle one of the most important lessons in life, I suggest you leave them out of it ... for now.

If only we all took the time to prepare for death and accept it as a natural part of life itself, holding a moribund woman's hand to allay her fears and comfort her while she makes her way back to where she came from we wouldn't be so afraid. Pooh, it's time for you to face that fear and begin to prepare for when your time comes.

I wish you the best my friend, and stay in touch.

POOH:

Tennessee's daughter went straight to the point, while I tried to be political with my support. I absolutely loved her comment. She's so strong ... and a kind heart to boot. She's already seen one of the faces of death, and her preparation is well under way because she knows that life is a cycle. Death, then, is also a beginning.

Pooh, that is good that your nana isn't suffering. And that your sons were able to say their good-byes and I love you's to their "great"-nana. God is helping you through this. So many wonderful, supportive comments here from the agingcare gang.

Pooh, I think each case is different personally. My Dad had COPD and passed away two years ago quite suddenly. He had gone to the hospital for a kidney ailment and just got worse and passed quite unexpectedly. My Mom, sister, daughter, niece, nephew and his wife were all in the room with Dad. His 'girls' were all sitting on the bed with him when he took his last breath.....it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life but we all needed each other and he needed us. We talked to him and held him and rubbed his hands and arms until he was gone. We didn't think we could have ever done that beforehand but we knew it's what he wanted and drew our strength from him to be there. I would not change it for anything looking back. He left this life surrounded by the most important people in his life and he was happy. Hope this helps you make your decision.

i am taking like shifts, spending a good bit of time in her room, talking to her, holding her hand, stroking face, arms, belly....then i take a lil shift out of there, usually in my room....you know this whole process since nana moved in with me has been incredibly difficuilt, i wasnt prepared for it, but i knew without a doubt, here with me is where she needed to be, and knowing now that I was bringing her to my house to die (it began as rehab, and then her getting indepence to stay in a lil place closer to me, before we knew of the disease) I would do it all over again. Now, this phase, the "actively dying" phase is what is almost killing me, breaking my heart soooooo much, it's definitely the hardest thing I've ever gone through in life, and I've gone through a lot....the hospice nurse described it as one door thru the gates of heaven, and one still in our world, i do hope she makes that other step soon....she has children, siblings, her parents waiting for her, and up there she wont be saddled down with a lung disease or weakened bones.....
I'm so glad I found this place, if only I had looked earlier....but I'm thankful for all the support and advice I have found here in the short time I've been here.

You're doing fine Pooh, just fine. Take those little breaks when you need them but you're definately being a blessing to her.

Pooh, you have set up such a peaceful, comfortable setting for your nana there in your home, with the hospice nurses there to assist you. Your nana is so fortunate to have you to help her and be with her.

pooh, my Dad was my heart, and he died in an ICU. I was not there when he died. I would not have wanted to be, either. When Dad said his goodbyes before slipping back into a coma, he looked to the phlebotomist who had drawn his blood to express his thanks for everything the ICU staff had done for him. I was at his bedside, yet, he didn't see me, or look my way. I was just fine with that, and no one loved my Dad more than I do and still do. The world won't end if you are not there when your nana dies, pooh. I applaud you for saying:

"As for me, I'm spending time in there, and time out of there...."

May your nana, and you, be at peace. There is no formula when it comes to living, or dying. Sounds like you are trying to maintain a sense of balance, serenity and peace, instead of worry and guilt. I'm proud of you, pooh.

My Daddy taught me that once I had done my best, angels could do no more, and that only I knew whether I had done my best. Follow your spirit, not conventions. Hugs. Praying you and your nana through this difficult life transition.

Thank y'all so much. My nana went Home to God and her children, parents, siblings and other loved ones at 8:20 last night. It was by far the worst thing I have ever gone through...the waiting for her impending death was heartwreching and when I had to withhold my cries so she would let go was painfrul as well, and then the physical sight of her foaming at the mouth, and that last breath will stay with me forever, but so will the last 7 months in which we had grown as close as ever, hearing how much she loves me, and how proud she is of me and the way i cared for her, the person i've become and the children i've raised. Hopefully the trauma of her death will fade and those things that make my smart smile will prevail. Thanks to all of you for your support, it has been most appreciated. xoxo

Pooh: I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure that it was a tramatic experience for you. But those 'bad memories' will fade You made it easier for your Nana to 'crossover' and the good memories you have, and the closeness you both shared hopefully will sustain you through this most difficult time.

God bless you and give you strength to remember all that was good.

Pooh, please accept my condolences. I admire you no end, including for not sugar-coating your nana's death experience. While some deaths are entirely peaceful, others are not, even when palliative care may be involved. To be perfectly truthful, nurses and doctors are trained to handle what you have described as "the trauma of death." I am not, nor do I wish to be. I am glad your nana is at peace now, and I sure do hope that the traumatic aspects of her death will quickly be lost to the blessed memories of her life and your tender loving care of her in her life transition. In the end, everything you shared in this post about yourself tells me that first and foremost, you know yourself better than anyone else, and you knew your upper emotional endurance limit. There is everything right with that, in my opinion. No need to be a martyr in life...or death. I wish I could give you a much-needed hug. Instead, I am about to say a prayer for you and your dear children. In the days and months ahead, slow down and make plenty of time for yourself. You have seen life and death up close and personal. Time to take a break. May God bless you. When my Dad died, I learned that love never dies. Hold fast to those very best nana memories. All is well with nana.

pooh, I give my deepest sympathy. Your nana is in heaven, peaceful, pain free and rejoicing with her family. She left a angel here on earth... you. May your grief be short lived and your memories sweet. I'm praying for you and yours.

Pooh how wonderful that your nana was able to tell you how wonderful you are, she is right you know.

Much peace and blessings to you and your family and thank you so much for sharing your story with us.

May God be with you Pooh and your Nana always be with you in your heart. You are very brave....I was there and went through it all too. I would not have changed it even though it was terribly hard and the memories will always haunt me. You did a wonderful job and I know that all you sacrificed was worth all the rewards that it brought you in the last seven months. I know your Nana was proud of you to the very end. Hugs to you...

So sorry Pooh. Take some well deserved time for yourself and family. You have been through a lot and need to grieve, then you can get back to the business of living. You can be proud of yourself for all you did for your nana!
Take care.

Oh Pooh, I was thinking of you last night and now I know that your Nana and my Mom have met in Heaven.
Thank you for being here with us and sharing your pain. It hurts so bad. Mom has only been gone since this Wednesday and I have been crying and sleeping so much. You rest too Pooh because you worked so hard to make it good for your Nana. You are a good daughter and granddaughter and like Always said, Nana left behind an angel and that angel is you.
lovbob