My MIL is accusing another resident of stealing. How can we help her to process this so that it is not an on-going issue in the community?

Its 30$.. "find it somewhere" and return it to her...LOL say it was in her drawer, or pocket in the laundry,, whatever it takes! distract and redirect!

My response when DH accuses someone of stealing, "Did I forget to tell you? The police called, and they found the real criminal. They arrested him."

Pamzimmrrt, splendid idea :) Now hope that mumtothree Mom's will forget that money was taken, and not let this linger on and on.

What is sad about dementia coupled with short term memory loss, is that the things they seem to remember and dwell on are the negatives like this. My dad seems to only remember the slights from people, stolen toilet paper and Kleenex (he’s paranoid someone will steal it but no one has) ...any misplaced or lost item, he accuses someone, especially staff, of stealing it. Toilet paper...really...when they can get it free? It makes no rational sense. Dad will fixate on all things negative and it’s enough to drive you crazy. I agree that in this case, fib and tell her it was found and return her the $30.

Yes distract and redirect! What ever it takes. With Dementia, at least with my Mom this was a common thing. Before we moved her out of her house she stopped in the living room and started looking in the grandfather clock and crying. We asked what was wrong and she swore that she had stashed 200 dollars in there. We scoured the entire area and once she saw us examine it top to bottom she finally said ok well I must have spent it or that girl (her caregiver) must have stolen it. She would never by the way, steal it I mean. But about an hour later she was onto something else she had lost. Sorry for the long story I just want you to know that redirecting is all you can do. She will eventually stop saying the lady took it especially if you give her the money and say you found it. Good luck, and prayers.

My mother does the same but with jewelry. Harpcat..yes, it's always the negative stuff they remember. To prevent future problems, I took home all my mother's jewelry and left notes in every drawer telling her so. You will have a hard time getting your mother to stop fixating on the money. I agree, try fibbing it's found. I laugh to my husband that I am 63 and still lying to Mom. Does she have to have cash?

Rosyday....my Mom too. Sure the ambulance driver took her wedding rings, the nurse took her necklace, etc

I reminded her constantly that all her jewelry was removed by ME and placed in a box at her bank.

I never thought of the notes in the drawers....

'mumtothree' - - i have been remiss in not asking this exact question! - regarding my mom, in an il facility for 4 years, with dementia as well, but remembers each and every 'stolen' item - repeatedly complaining to main office of lovely facility [where they can do nothing, of course] then calling me to report that, then calling police [3 times now]; then they call me, and i thank them kindly for their [waste of] time.

reminding her that she misplaced her keys several times, then found them; and a sweater, which i found tucked into the arm of her sofa as tho she'd rested on it, is of no use. gotta love her reply [to my saying 'it may be lost, but may turn up if misplaced']: "oh gail, how could i misplace it[them]!" [an ugly dark green pilly thing which i wish was missing!] - or - "oh she must have snuck in and returned it!"

given her personality of blaming others, never having taken responsibility for anything [have no memory of ever hearing her utter the words 'oops, sorry'] - and - her dizzy head, always having misplaced things...she is crying wolf. i [the sister of 4 who lives nearby] listen with tons of practiced patience but the sympathy is only to appease.

i have suggested to her to let this go; call other family members and lovingly chat about what her sisters, other daughters and grandson are doing! - instead of nagging over little things, to the extent of missing out on, well, life! not a dignified way to age.

i launched into this discussion before reading others' comments. look forward to reading some advice as to how to deal with this!

Thanks for all the suggestions. The social worker at the ALF has asked for a team meeting. All four of us will go (her 2 sons and their wives - we are all nearby) and she will meet with us before we go get Mom. I might try "finding" the cash in a pants or sweater pocket, but I want to also hear her ideas.

Selective memory is so strange - it seems just handling cash, or seeing the woman, will recall the "incident." It's a small-ish ALF, only about 40 residents. She has started saying that she "does not like" so-and-so. She has said this to us, in our homes - but we all know the filters are off, so if she thinks it, she probably also says it out loud. We don't want her to become the schoolyard bully! Let's hope the "fiblet" works.

well, just read all replies so far. mom wouldn't fall for it: i can 'find' the money, but not the eyeglasses, shoes, keys, sweater, necklace. even after they're found she brings up their having been stolen!
oh, and redirection? wow, she's curiously sharp there, never works. in addition to personality of blaming others [written earlier], she has always been stubborn. her memory works bewilderingly well in that regard; selfish, stubborn til you get what you want.
i am so grateful that my dad passed, doesn't have to put up with her anymore.

People with dementia wander around and steal other peoples things from their rooms. It seems that is just what they do. I wouldn't say all of them, but a lot. Your mother sounds like a force to reckon with. Maybe you could have them lock her door when she is not there.

Quite often things are hidden for safe keeping by those with dementia then they forget where they hid it so it is then 'stolen' - we found mom's money & bank statements in the towels in linen closet - money hidden in dressers so it couldn't be found so even after the clean out & it was sent to auctioneer who called me to say he found $600.00 in 50s in it

Try a good size lock box [ not easy to pick up & move] with key & she can wear the key around her neck so tell her no money out of it otherwise she is 'giving' the money away - make sure you have several duplicate keys so when she hides it or looses it you can 'find' it for her

My dad was happy with a small metal cabinet he had for years [since 1951] that locked & had a small safe in it - it made a good tv stand too - I made copies of the key but he always put that key in same place & never lost it - he felt he had control of part of his life as he chose what went in it - he hid a few tums type things & a flask of rum so he could have a nip when he wanted to [1 or 2 times a month] so he felt somewhat in control

It is downright canny what they do and don't remember. And even when we know better, the idea that they can seemingly "choose" to remember some things gives us a weird hope that if we just somehow say it right, they will choose to remember in ways that make life easier for them and for us. Sadly, it's just an aspect of memory disorder. Some issues do have to be taken seriously, but distract and redirect is one of the best tools in the care bag.

Why does she need money? Does she go out for lunch or shopping on facility bus. My Mom's dementia as far enough gone that there was no need for her to leave the facility. I gave her no money. She would say she need but I would make up something. Money was tight and I refused to have her giving it away or be stolen.

My question as well. Why does she need money? Placing a lock box in her room is a good idea. You keep the key saying you forgot to give it back to her. And that you checked the box when you were there recently or earlier that day and the cash was in there.

My mom attended an adult day care. They went on field trips and out to lunch weekly. Mom never needed cash anywhere for anything, lunch was included in the field trip fee.

My foster dad who I didn't realize it was getting dementia was accusing me of stealing money he rightfully gave me well in advance after setting some rules which were clearly followed. He declined at some point and I eventually had to change my level of help to him. Furthermore, I had to back off from other areas and eventually he had to be put into a nursing home. There was really not much more I could do for him at some point as his mind declined. He had a bad habit of notoriously misplacing stuff and would roam around for quite a while until he found the item he missed laid, I watched this a lot but didn't have enough knowledge or experience to be able to spot and recognize signs of dementia. You may love the person but at some point they become a whole different person that you don't even know because as someone close to me put it, it's not them anymore. It may be hard to just wash your hands of a person and walk away, but sometimes there are some circumstances that force you to do just that such as a professional guardian taking over and cutting off visits. A professional guardian did just that despite hearing my side of the story and come to find out, there are many more people facing the same exact thing: professional guardians also cutting other families off from their loved ones who did nothing wrong. There is now a move to not only expose but stop guardian and conservator abuse along with other types of abuse against the most vulnerable. There's even a group on Facebook who's aim is to expose guardianship abuse. 

Abuse against anyone is exactly why everyone should make an honest attempt to protect their own money well in advance. If you don't carry cash, your money would be much harder to get to, especially if you keep it very well hidden. If you know the right strategy, you can protect yourself against theft. The better you can hide your money, the harder it will be for anyone to find and steal

Every situation and person is different, it's trial and error. Remember this disease only gets worse not better. If giving her the money works great if not, then you try a new approach. She doesn't know that she's being like that. One thing for sure, you can not reason with her because her brain doesn't get it. It's a horrible disease and it will progress to where she doesn't have an opinion any more then shortly after it's over. So love her and try all you can to ease her until that happens...hugs to you!

Pam: Spot on! Well said!

This "stealing accusation" is so much part and parcel of Alzheimer's - and care facilities are so very used to it. Problem is that Alz patients will wander in and out of each other's rooms and take things. If a nurse can find an object, it can be put back. Money can be stuffed anywhere - and $30 is not worth crying over, just consider it lost.  Most care facilities recommend not to have any cash bills in the patient's handbag or wallet at all. 
Just be patient. You can't explain anything to your mother to "process it". Simply ignore what she says, even if she is upset, and distract her by talking of other things. It is a stage that soon passes.

My Mom is in an AL facility, is 94 and has dementia. She is POSITIVE that people are taking showers in her bathroom; using her towels; watching her TV when she is gone to the dining room; purposely screwing up her TV because someone doesn't like her; stealing her food from the fridge; eating her food; taking her money....I could go on and on. And she cannot be convinced that she has either given the food away or eaten it herself. I told my mom when she first entered into the facility that I would never lie to her. Am now facing the reality of that promise and wish that I had never made it. The only way to deal with her perceptions is to "divert" or in my case...lie. Because we always find her money or any other article she seems to feel stolen and then she says that, "oh, well, THEY did that." The only way to keep the peace and my sanity is to redirect....change the subject....or let it slide. I could never tell my Mom that she is right because then, I feel, with her, the misconception truly becomes a reality to her. Which I suppose it is already....but the redirection takes away the misconception for the moment.

'mumtothree' - good question, it looks like a pattern of behaviour that I am going to have to get used to myself, given recent incidents, and will try to follow the 'distract and re-direct' advice given. 'skyfall' - your answer triggered immediate recognition of my own 'blameless and perfect' mother's personality, 'sorry' has always been absent from her vocabulary. What I am wondering is, does this personality type signify a predisposition to dementia? Are there experts who can comment? for example does it go hand in hand with attention deficit disorder. I suspect across the multitudes, dementia is indescriminate and can strike brilliant professors and dunces alike, then again both can be 'never wrong' types.

My mother never complained or accused about missing items. We daughters kept track of her stuff. A lovely sports themed lap robe went missing. She didn't notice. An aide remembered an incident where it was found in the dining room and they assumed it belonged to a man on her floor who had a very similar blanket, same team. When we reported Mom's missing they knew just where to look. It hadn't been stolen. We noticed when some of Mom's clothing disappeared and tracked it down in the laundry. Mom was glad to see her missing items again, but had never complained or accused about them. Mom's dementia type was not ALZ.

My husband never went through the hiding-things-to-prevent-theft state of mind. His dementia type was not ALZ.

I don't know whether it is an individual thing, or if it depends on the kind of dementia involved, but I do know that many people with dementia do have this behavior. An uplifting and easy-to-read book about interacting with care center residents who have Alzheimer's is "Creating Moments of Joy," by Jolene Brackey. She deals extensively with the issue of "stealing."

mumtothree: To solve this problem, do not give your mother-in-law any cash in the future as you say "the facts" were reported by her, someone with dementia. Perhaps then this issue will go to the back of her mind, hopefully never to be brought up by her again. Are there unsavory people at the facility? Yes, there could be. But what this is a LESSON LEARNED ONLY. "DON'T CRY OVER THE PROVERBIAL SPILLED MILK, E.G. CASH."