Can I be accused of elderly abuse if I'm not a caregiver?

Ok, so you are 18 and that is still young. But you are old enough to be on your own and vote and you are fully responsible for your own behavior.

Having said that, have you ever been called stupid or idiot? Probably, I think everyone has at some time. Point is, how did it feel? I am seeing here that you are so much more worried about what is going to happen to you, than what you did to your GM. Being called those things hurts just as much as a slap in the face. Would you walk up to your GM and slap her in the face? I would hope your answer is no. Personally, I would rather be slapped in the face than called stupid or idiot. Especially by someone who is supposed to love me. But you can apologize and the two of you can get past this.

For future reference, yes, anyone who does anything to hurt another can be accused of abuse. As well it should be, because that is what it is. The only thing you could not be accused of would be neglect as you are not responsible for that person. If you do not regularly abuse or treat your GM poorly, I would not worry about getting in trouble with the authorities. Even if there is an investigation. It will pass and they will move on. However, if this is an ongoing attitude you have toward GM, you should get in trouble. Being hurtful or mean to anyone is never ok. Forgivable yes, ok no.

NaeNae--

No, you're not going to jail and the worst thing that can happen from this is that someone from APS comes to the house and interviews you and gma.

You obviously learned a valuable lesson. People DO notice when they see Elders "possibly" being abused, and sometimes they report it. I have a feeling you may not be as forthright about the experience as you're telling us. Somebody had to know you to report you--did you carry this anger and conversation into the dentist's office with you? All medical professionals are REQUIRED to report possible abuse.

An earlier post said her PCP (her primary care doc) always asks if she feels safe at home--that is one of the fallback systems in place to allow elders to say "yes, my such and so is verbally/physically abusive". It's actually required of them to report it.

Now, have I ever gotten so angry with my mother I have yelled at her? Sorry to say, yes, a few times. But in the privacy of her home. Not excusing my lack of patience, but any caregiver gets exhausted and frustrated. But you're NOT a caregiver. You're a kid living with grandma, at grandma's OK. You need to respect that.

My brother, with whom my mother lives, was reported to APS by a neighbor. Brother has quite the temper. He wasn't yelling AT mom, but he has. The visit from APS straightened him out.

Just watch your mouth, your grandma wasn't using the best judgment, but she didn't need to be called an idiot. No one deserves that. Esp someone who is basically letting you live rent free. Sorry, paying the electric bill doesn't make you independent.

Ask gma's forgiveness with NO "but I was stressed out" excuses. Just an I'm sorry and don't do it again.

How old is your grandmother? It sounds like she has been more of mother than a grandmother. It sounds like she has it together if she is taking care of her brother. If some reported my son when he was a teenager for being rude he would've been under the jail. It is always bad to be rude, but to be reported to APS seems a little over dramatic. I think they have better things to do. Hang in there. Apologize and go on like you have been.

SZ x

You have received a lot of good advice so far.
* Apologize sincerely to your Grandma. She may have made mistakes; but you are apologizing for your own part.
* If you are contacted re: this - own up to your behavior. You can tell them why you lost it, but don't make excuses. Most likely they will let it drop unless there is a pattern of abusive behavior.
* Continue to be a responsible person who is entering the adult world. If you have problems with your temper, get help. Best to deal with it now, rather than continuing bad patterns. And give yourself credit for reaching out and being willing to learn.

To some of the other responders: She is still a child - still in high school, or just finished. Remember yourself at that age. I was a very responsible teen who took care of my siblings and my mother who was ill, paid for my own things, and put myself through college. But I certainly did NOT know at that age how to handle difficult communication, handle frustration, etc. Give this teen credit for reaching out and asking for info and help. And give her credit for trying to help with the house and utilities. How many of you paid some of the house utilities when you were barely 18?

I do believe the OP has left the site....

No, you won't go to jail. As a police officer told me, people have no idea how bad one has to be in order to go to jail. This is doubly true for juveniles.

One caveat to my answer is that I assume your side of the story is accurate.

I believe Barb is correct in assuming the OP has left the site and I can't say I blame her. She came here for comfort and advise and all she got was magnification of what i assume is an isolated incident. The poor girl was scared out of her tree driving on the Interstate for the first time. Both parties should equally share the blame.
We don't know why they were running late for the appointment, maybe gma was to blame for that who knows?
Telling the girl she needs to take a course in anger management is way over the top. She already knows she did something wrong. Both of them should be apologizing. gma was hardly behaving responsibly by failing to properly supervise a young drive.
Now lets give everyone the benefit of the doubt and wish NeaNea a successful senior year in high schooling and a fulfilling time in college.

Yes, I have apologized. I love my grandmother a lot, shes amazing to me. They knew her name because well, shes practically raised me. My mother had a lot of mental issues, many were not her fault and I forgive her, but my grandmother was on my forms because my mom couldn't find time to take me, even though she was my garden. They came up to our house and told my grandma what was happening, I was doing something at the time and said they would at least have to talk with me two more times. Thank you for being kind and understanding. Well the majority anyway. I know I was being rude, and I shouldn't have been, so its very nice to see people so nice and understanding.

Oh I just read the comments about my boyfriend. I live with him half time because he has a great family. They have gotten me in church and taught me stuff like how to be responsible and they tell me stories all the time. I'm not living with him half time because I'm trying to be irresponsible, but because his family is providing me with support and guidance that my grandmother just can't anymore. Grandmas taught me independence and not to be stupid, but shes so guarded from her younger years. For a long time I was told "men are cheaters mean can't clean" and stuff like that about not trusting people or men in general. His family teaches me how to see everyone equally. 

While I agree that there are good ways and bad ways to handle things why is it that we have put the elderly above the rest of usA So many of the them are not vulnerable but are willfully challenging and insufferable and it is why so many caregivers are suffering so terribly because we're supposed to put the elderly first and tolerate their crappy behavior. Where are the consequences for them? My father would engage in risky behavior all the time and continued as he aged and that made him stupid, irresponsible and dangerous - period! He put other people's lives at risk and didn't give a d*mn what they thought about it. I Know so many of you caregivers know what I'm talking about. What about the abuse elders heap on us, not to mention the emotional blackmail, the bullying etc. ? When do we get to accuse them of abuse and neglect? What are the rules for that? And don't waste my time with the 'well we have choices' BS - that's not always true. If we walk away from a horrible situation then we're accused of neglect. I'm so sick of the elderly being put above the rest of us just because they exist - this is why so many of them behave so badly because there are no real consequences. And I'm not talking about people with dementia or Alzheimer's.

I'm curious, Pumpkin - so what's your answer? Prison? Naughty step? Forcible admission to nursing home at age 75?

It is always true that you have choices. Unfortunately, for some people, at some times, none of the choices available is very attractive.

Pumpkin do you think people get more like themselves as they age? Did your father always behave in an irresponsible way?
When you know someone like that the message is do not get involved. Yes you can walk away as long as you never walked in. The evidence is there long before they need care.

I'm sorry I can't imagine how calling someone stupid constitutes abuse. There are legitimate abusers out there. A young adult losing their composure seems to be a stretch. Had she stood there berating gma & gma was cowering in fear (presumably because there was a history of abuse) that might ring my bell. Where do you draw the line with "name calling"? "Stop being such a baby!" Is that abusive? "You're such a worry wart." Is that abusive? "You are so d@mn stubborn." Is that abuse? IDK...

Interesting replies here. Although this incident doesn't rise to the level of jail time, apparently the social services people can be tyrannical despots at times. I read about a woman who had her kids taken away for months after a neighbor reported her for child abuse/neglect. Too long of a story to go into here, but it was horrible what they did to this poor family and they were completely innocent. The lesson is to always be on guard in public and watch what you do and say. Somebody is always watching and all too quick to judge.

Pumpkin...that's my case with my dad...has always made STUPID choices!!
Really who's the stupid one ?
ME!! for not walking away and staying away a long long long time ago

Tell everybody to drop dead

Naenae22 - thank you for giving us an update.
I'm very glad you have people in your life that can guide you well. Your grandmother is great in some ways, but it's good to recognize that she has her limitations as well. I'm glad your boyfriend's family is so supportive.
We can't choose our bio-family. But we can choose our extended family or chosen family. That makes such a big difference in life.
Take care. We all wish you well in your life's journey.

My reply about "stupid" was only me talking about my own situation.

Naenae, sounds like you have a wonderful gma who raised you well. I can hear the love you have in your words here 😘Hugs

Pumpkin93, love it! My life...4 years ago as I picked up my 72 year old drunk mother off of the floor I shouted at her that her behavior was putting us all at risk. She started drinking every day at 7 am, drove out for more wine, etc. She did not live with me (and not now either). I was concerned that if she ever killed someone, I might get the blame for not stopping her from driving, but I did all that I could except to call the police and suggest they have a patrol car sitting at the end of her street every day. Her excuse for all bad behavior is that "I don't know what it's like to get old". That is her excuse to verbally abuse both family and strangers. And I am stuck with this horrid woman, possibly for another decade or two. Can I just hop in my car and drive away????

Heather, I would help you better understand how verbal abuse can be the worst abuse by calling you some choice name, just so you could see how it feels. However, I cannot do that since I would be reported because IT IS ABUSE. Except for the fact that I would not do that anyway because I try harder not to abuse or hurt someone. But just to make a point. If you feel that way maybe you are hurting more people than you think and you don't realize it.