The monthly cost for a Memory Care home is $4200. We would like to charge dad $3000 a month for care in our home. Is that acceptable?

195Austin and others who may be interested. Just did some online investigative work about whether LTC policies pay family members to provide care. Most do not but they do provide 'training' for the family caregiver (@ $1000). I guess they probably do it for liability purposes. I hope this policy works for mom down the road with her other needs. Sure isn't now!

195Austin -- that's what I figured. My question is will this policy pay ME -- not an agency. I'm an only child and so I'm pretty much alone in this. And mom's support group of friends therapists and drs tell her what she wants to hear. Who knows how much that LTC ins would have helped your MIL. I've read stories on this site how many - not all -- but enough aren't worth the investment in the long run.

100 dollars a day would give you about 4 hrs a day which is not much if someone needs 24/7 care but would help some. It does not seem right that she has all the control but refuses to get the answers -it is hard to take away their independce but sometimes you just have to tell them you need to make the decision-my MIL had LTI but kept it a secrete from us and it could have kept her out of a NH for a longer time.

105Austin: Thank you for your response. I will DEFINETLY let you and others know what happens. Mom called the LTC to have someone come out and discuss the plan but the man never came. I've read a lot of negative things about the LTCs like they nickel and dime you and are largely a waste and don't pay for what you need. Mom's policy only pays for 2 yrs of NH and she wants EVERYTHING done at home which I don't think will be practical with her advancing PD. . I told mom (and my cousin told her too) that mom needs to get an elder lawyer to work with them and explain but mom who is still "in charge" hasn't. A lot of this I think has become too much for her but she doesn't want to let control of the illusion of control (at some point that will happen). Mom's financial planner told her that the policy will pay $50-100 a day for help but I've heard that some don't pay family members and $50-100 a day barely covers an ageny's daily rate -- that's where I come in. That's why I wondered if anyone out there has received financial compensation from their parent's LTC policy and how it worked out for them. Thank you!

I would call the LTC company to find out how much or how many hours they cover and ask them if they could pay you-it is worth asking and if they will not pay you at least you may get time for yourself-she might as well use it-it is not cheap to pay for each 4 months or however it is paid for-I hope you let us know how it works out to give others an answer and I wish the best to you.

Oldcodger, I can't delete my account, but I did request no emails when someone answers this question, Thank you so much for your support!

Kedwards460, Thank you. There are some articles on this site that may tell you how to get paid for long term care. I see an attorney on Monday & hope to draw up a contract stating the $2000 a month is a gift. The IRS limits none taxable gifts to $12,000 a year. There are 2 of us. I wish there The government would make it easier for caregivers who are caring for a loved one at home.

Luvymydad! You hang in there and do what you think is best. I think financial compensation is totally acceptable. If people want to care for their parents and are able to do it for free, that's great too. My mom helps me financially and pays my medical. Now, she's looking into using her LTC to pay me but I'm not sure if they will pay.me. Anyone know anything about it?

$3,000 a month is a fair price for what you will be doing for your dad. You might think of having him attend a senior center in your city once a week.Its a break for you and an outing for him. This is a tough job, and very stressful on a marriage.

IF all else fails - just block the email address. Sorry to see you go. :0(

I know there were some good ones, but I am in a state of mind that the mean ones are unacceptable. Thank you for your compassion oldcodger2. Now how do I delete my account?

As jeannegibbs said "The implication that taking money means there is no love is unkind and unfounded."

For those who do not have a problem with finances - it is easy to insinuate that someone else is 'in it for the $$' - when that is NOT the case. Anyone ever tried to live on SS alone and then spend all your energy caring for an elderly relative? I am sure some or many of you have - BUT IT SURE ISN'T EASY. IF someone feels that financial remuneration is needed - then so be it. All I mentioned was to see an Elder Law Attorney and know what you are doing fiscally. Everyone should do that. I don't love my MIL any less because I accept lunch and $20 for gas when I spend a half day taking her to the doctor. So, what's the dif? Luvmydad needs support and a place to feel safe - just like the rest of us. Why do we need to attack just because we may not agree. Luvmydad - there were quite a few VERY GOOD and HELPFUL posts here for you. IGNORE the hurtful ones and 'forgive them, for they know not what they do.'

I will never post another question in this forum. I asked for advice not to be slammed by your personal opinion on being a caregiver for free. We are ALL caregivers paid or not. We are on a pension and have to pay for private health insurance. I have fibromyalgia & my husband had cancer a year ago. There is no extra $$ in our budget. Being so righteous & smug makes me wonder about your situation. Stop being so judgemental & be supportive instead. Don't all caregivers need words of compassion?

You are Absolutely Correct jeannegibbs.

Good bye and good luck, Eydie. I know how you feel, I think.. It's unconscionable that a daughter, a son or even a distant relative would not want to assist in the final care of a loved one. That's just it. A loved one is loved and respected. A relative may not be loved, and therefore considered a burden.

i said before that i find this website so depressing and sad that i don't want to even know this kind of thing exists. i won't be back. it's just alien to me that families don't take care of each other. you all have my sincere sympathy, but i simply don't relate.

Nursing home cost in Ky. $6800 per mo* plus peel pack med s add $450 per mo

Eydie57, I don't hate you when I say this, but it is not true that "that's what families do." It is certainly true that it is what SOME families do. That your family is among them is certainly OK with me. That Luvmydad has different family behaviors is not abhorrent to me, either. Families come in many configurations, with many stories. Some families are definitely dysfunctional, but many, many different styles of operation are perfectly valid. People who take a practical approach and arrange for reasonable compensation for providing care do not necessarily love their parents less than those who wouldn't think of taking pay. It really doesn't have to be either/or. The implication that taking money means there is no love is unkind and unfounded.

eydie 57, yes it is sad and unfortunately true. It hurts every day. But I have wonderful children who I hope will make the same loving comments about me that you just made. I understand where your heart is. It is in a good place. Take care.

that's extremely sad. this entire website depresses me. we had our problems, but good grief. we loved each other. these sad stories are just alien to me.

Well eydie57, you were very lucky. My parents never spent a penny on me, no education, no frills, no wedding, nothing. They told me from the time I was about 16, every time I needed something, that they had to save for a nursing home or their old age (this was just code for I am too damn cheap to live).

However, when I was working and living at home they made sure I paid 1/3 of the bills. And I did this for about 10 years. Claimed they were saving it for when I married. I am 60 and have never seen a penny of this money. So, I guess that went for the nursing home fund too.

My point is not everyone came from a loving, giving family. Did I mention my Dad verbally abused me? That both my parents were narcissistic, as is my brother. That Mom and Dad never babysat for me and my husband to go to dinner, even on my birthday. I could go on and on. But you get the picture.

I will have no problem putting Mom is that nursing home. All her money will be used for her care and if I had to keep her, you bet I would not feel bad about charging her. But I could never keep her, no way in hell.

i know i'll be as hated as campbellgirl44, but the thought of charging your parents is abhorrent to me. i never charged my parents a dime. they raised me, cared for me and never asked for a penny of that money back. i considered it my turn. that's what families do, they take care of each other for love, not money.

Good answers, igloo572. Be sure to talk to an ELDERLAW attorney. They specialize in this sort of thing and have dealt with an unbeliveable variety of situations. Is your dad living in your home or his own home? That makes a difference. Keep in mind that the $4200 a care facility charges includes not just caregiver time , but also the cost of housing, utilities, food, transportation to medical appts, etc. Do keep track of those costs, too. Your $3000 would include those costs as well. I don't mean to add them on top of the $3000. But, if he lives in his own home consider the costs that would go away if he moved into a facility (car insurance, homeowners insurance, phone, home maintanence, etc.)
My father refused to leave his own home; fortunately we were able to keep him there. But over the 3+ years he needed progressively more help as he declined. He also had higher medication and medical costs. At the time he passed he had run out of money and we had just applied for Medicaid. So don't spend down too fast. Yes, Medicaid is there (though with politics as they are it might not be there for him when he needs it) but if he ever needs nursing home care they limit the numbers of Medicaid beds and you may end up placing him a long way from you.
Whatever you do get it in writing with his blessings, if he is deemed "competent" and with your siblings compliance, if you have any. Another thing to consider with your lawyer is having dad "gift" you a sum of money instead of a monthly salary. There are pros and cons to that option. Good luck.

Luvmydad, it is my observation that posters here tend to fall into broad categories, and sometimes when answers appear to be way off base it is because the questions and answers are in two different categories and that is never made clear. One set of categories (in my mind) is the nature of the loved one's impairments. Dementia is one category, personality disorder is another, and physical illnesses such as cancer is a third. Advice and experience that applies well to a Narcissistic mother may be totally inappropriate for a father with dementia.

The other big divide is financial. What applies to persons who need to qualify for federal programs is simply not applicable to persons who are paying their own way and who will be able to continue to do that that matter how much more care they need.

Once I figured that out, some of the conflicting advice made more sense.

No $$ will be coming from Medicaid or Medicare.

My experience with this forum shows that we have all given up our lives for someone we love. I do not feel that anyone on this site is caring for a loved one simply for the money, my life and the life of my young children is much greater than the mighty dollar. That being said, take care of yourself. It is difficult to give up your life, the life of your family half of your income and then pay a higher tax rate than most politicians. Leaves a bitter end to a difficult situation.

I am sorry if you construed my comments as attacks. I live my Dad and Mother (58) and take care of my Dad (65 who has been and invalid for 10 years and sick for 15) so that my mother can work. With thier two incomes social security 13,000 and Mom income 20,000 year they care barely pay bills and therefore the last thing that I would do is ask for money from them. I do not work, have no insurance and I admit if my parents could afford it I might ask for compensation. So I can understand where you are coming from I just would not do it myself atleast that much money because I have done the self employement route before I did not care for paying 1/3 of what I earned toward self employment and income tax. I would like to be compensated for taking care of Dad 24/7, keeping house, maintaining 10 acres and the house, and all the other things around the house and I consider myself compensated with my Dad and Moms love and about the only thing I really wish I had was health insurance LOL. I wish you all the luck and hope that you father stays as healthy as he can. And I agree care at home is far better than any institution I mean where else can my father go that at a snap of his fingers someone is at his beck and call certainly no nursing home that I know of but we do not hestiate here at home. I wish you all the best and hope that things work out for you.

Luv I think what you are doing is great he gets good care just as long as a lawyer has set it up and you pay taxes as the lawyer has told you -no doubt people need to get their head around the money elders have saved through the years should be for their care when they need it -not for ungrasious relatives who never visit. Bridget I am so proud of you.

I have my 80 year old dad with me. I inherited him after his care requirements basically killed my mother. The stress, worry, insanity of dementia related stroke deficiencies, his physical handicap. He's a pill. Won't bathe unless forced. He's physically nasty with nasal and throat discharge. He smells. Even after a bath he has a distinct unpleasant smell. We powder, spray, wash, change, wash clothes, wash linens...but he has that smell. I buy a new pillow every week. He drips and drools, he self feeds still but won't wipe his own mouth & gets peeved if I try. He won't sit down on a tall toilet to pee- pees all over the floor instead. He wants to go places- but he's dangerous. He's a racist. He's od school. He comments on people's appearances...fat, buck teethed, black, Asian, ugly, pretty, big breasted. You name it. He has no filter. He solicits waitresses for sex. He's lewd. He's always been deviant & a pervert. I did not know this when I took him into my home. Female Family quickly filled me in on his transgressions. He molested, suggested, and exposed himself to them all at one time or another. I do not like my father. He ruined my mothers life- she protected him out of financial necessity on her part. He had over 200 affairs- which he foolishly documented date/time/a score of 1-10... He ruined every vacation, holiday, family reunion, graduation...he wrecked our family. We all turned out broken in many ways- not really knowing why until the last two years. When his behavior in our home became over the top- I put him in hospital for a gero psyche eval. After he insulted and sexually harassed the entire staff? the opine of two psychiatrist was to lock him up on the 5th floor, drug him into compliance and walk away. My dad is a sociopath. Has never had an inkling of right, wrong, the ability to feel remorse- & combine that with stroke related behaviors? It's incredibly difficult. I am a professional in the social services field. I tried to get him into 8 facilities. Rejected 8 times. I know why they don't want him. He's a pervert. He's a problem. He's a risk. So I asked his psychiatrist to medicate him so I could manage him at home. I asked for chemical castration. No, only a court offender gets that--- too bad my family members wouldn't press charges. He was discharged to either 1of2 places. 24 hour family supervision or a facility. No facility would take him. I asked his psychiatrist to medicate him into passing a "go see" NH evaluation but nope- in spite of the fact a NH would heavily medicate him as a resident. Facilities cost
5600.00 here. He makes 4k a month. I feel duped by my mom who knew exactly what he was all along. I gave up on shower aides- as he considers it a sexual encounter and they quit. I'm ashamed he can't even get through this part of his life without everything revolving around his perversions. No nice little grandpa for me to dote on- which is what I thought I was getting. I charge him 4k a month to live here. I have no qualms about running a secure unit for 1. His care is professionally delivered. All needs met. I can't leave him unattended because he's dangerous to himself and others - (he has swiped our keys and gone joy riding in the past to be picked up by the police and driven home. So we hide keys, we have a security system. We have him on a monitor to track him if he gets lost. Respite by a para (CNAs ) run me 175.00 for 24 hours and the CNA gets off easy because I leave the house stocked, no med appts. But usually I do the work myself. I look forward to his mental decline deteriorating to the point he is no longer attentive to his perversions and him losing the ability to sexually offend NH residents and staff verbally so I can place him in a facility. NH's do want your money- but they pick & choose personalities that won't upset other residents or put them at risk. Yes, I could return him tohis home and walk away but I have a license to protect in the professional world. It's not what I wanted, not what I expected, and it saddens me all that I've come to know- I have to treat my father with the grace i would a mentally ill client to even get through this. But yes. If the NH won't take him because his level of care is more than they want to deal with- he pays me to deal with him. He knows what's going on financially. No secrets. I have family that may or may not agree- but what they think is irrelevant. If he did not have the financial means he does, I would turn him over to APS and let the state appoint him a guardian. I am delivering care that's needed, and protecting my inheritance. I wish I was doing it with the motivation and devotion I started out that first two years with- but too many relevations have come to light. Some truths can't become unknown. I felt so guilty about the internal changes I've gone thu- I went to a psychologist for help. He asked if I still dd the same things? Same way? was my dad happy? In good shape? well fed? Clean? And the answer was yes. Was my dad cognitively able to sense any difference? No- sociopaths don't care enough abut other people to even wonder about their feelings. So, it's not ideal, but I make 4k a month and dad is happy, he's not drugged up into oblivion, has a private room, bathroom, his two cats, meal & maid service, and there's no one fussing at him about his tv volume. My dad currently has a much better deal than he'd get anywhere else.

Luvmydad - You should be able to tell who is trying to help by their replies here. I am sorry that some would try to impute wrong motive to your request for information here.

But, seriously, there is a right and a wrong way to do anything and you don't want to screw up your dad's finances and end up having to pay all the money back. That would be absolutely devastating to you.

That is why some have mentioned the importance of seeing an Elder Law Attorney right away. There are many care givers who would be thrilled at the prospect of being paid for what they do. For most it just isn't possible.

All may go well as long as dad stays with you until he dies. But, IF, for some reason he would need more medical expertise that you can offer, and he goes into a nursing home, THERE WILL BE A LONG LOOK BACK PERIOD - a check up by Uncle Sam - unless the estate has enough funds to pay for his care without asking for Medicaid.

His estate WILL have to pay for his care. IF HIS ASSETS HAVE CHANGED HANDS OR BEEN GIFTED - even with his consent - and he has no money to pay for his care - the Look Back will require you to produce those funds. Most states have a 5 year look back period. Any assets gifted or spent during those 5 years are scrutinized and the value will have to be returned to the estate. It can get very serious.

There are ways of being paid for care giving - but the average person will need guidance in doing it in a way that will satisfy Uncle Sam. I for one do not begrudge you attempting to recoup something for your efforts. Just be careful and do it legally.

I don't think anyone on this forum should try to shame others just because we may not agree. I would never insinuate that someone does not love their family member just because they asked about being compensated. This person is doing an honorable thing and asking a legitimate question and we should help them get an accurate and helpful answer. They need guidance.

It is sad that there is not some plan in place to help full time care givers financially. Many of us retire early or quit our jobs to care for a family member and suffer financially because of it.

So, I would say "do your homework" so that everything will go smoothly. Just because something sounds 'fair' doesn't mean it will pass muster with Uncle Sam. Just my 2 cents. Take care.