The monthly cost for a Memory Care home is $4200. We would like to charge dad $3000 a month for care in our home. Is that acceptable?

You are going to charge your father? Maybe a home would be a better solution!!!

It sounds reasonable to me. Are there any siblings? Will this be acceptable to them? Since we never know what the future holds, I strongly urge you to draw up a contract to spell this out. Is he still legally competent to make decisions?

To me, the notion that Dad's assets should be preserved until he dies and then passed on as an inheritence is absurd. His money is for his care, as long as he needs it. He can afford to pay for it, so why shouldn't he? Better to keep it in the family, assuming he is truly getting his money's worth of great care.

Sounds like Dad is very lucky to have you, and to be getting such personalized care.

Campbellgirl44, by your unkind answer, I can only assume you must be a full time 24/7/365 caregiver who does not receive any compensation for your care. I hope that you allow happiness & compassion into your heart otherwise not only you but most importantly the person you care for will suffer. Being a martyr solves nothing.

Since you do have siblings, be sure all of the financial arrangements are spelled out in writing. Just because you have POA doesn't mean they wouldn't try to fight your decisions.

This surprises me because it is not how things are in my family, but it appears that there are many adults who think it is perfectly OK for one family member to sacrifice privacy, sanity, earning opportunities, building a pension, having a normal social life, etc. etc. to take care of a parent, while they do as close to nothing as they can. And they expect this care to be done very frugally, begrudging money spend on respite care and in home help. They seem to think one sibling should make huge sacrifices so that they all can have equal inheritances.

In spite of how common this attitude apparently is, it is Wrong, Wrong, Wrong.

If Dad has money to afford to pay his way, that is what the money should be used for. He could pay $4200 a month, or he could pay $3000 and get more personalized care. Gee, that is a no-brainer in my book. And some of that "savings" should go to respite care. No one can be an effective caregiver 24/7/365.

Since you have siblings, spend a little of the money on a lawyer who can help you set this up in a way that will make it easiest to defend your actions, should that ever be necessary.

May your dad remain happy and sweet, and may you have the strength to deal with it if that changes.

Thanks! I do have plans to contact an attorney. Based on my sibling's recent behavior I do need legal protection. The easy part is caring for my dad and the hard part is dealing with my sister!

Wow a good question, my mom is in Assisted Living, I'm an only child. It's perfectly alright to charge, but $3000 seems a bit much. What happens when sooner or later he has to go into a nursinghome and you've spent all his money, you might need to think about it because sooner or later it WILL probably happen. When charging that, please think about the future nursing home care.

Luvmydad, I think you are being reasonable. Sister doesn't like it then ask her if she will take Dad for a year and be paid as well. See what her reaction is. People who judge you critically usually haven't been a caregiver for an elderly parent. Why would you give a nursing home, where Dad may be unhappy, at least 4 to 5 thousand a month, when you can make him happier.

I read so many posts from unhappy caregivers who do all the work while siblings do nothing. Then they all get an inheritance.

I would definately see an elder lawyer to make sure this is all legal and get it in writing. If Dad agrees with this, then what is the problem? As for a nursing home, most people go through most of their money quickly. Then Medicaid takes over. It would be cheaper for you to take care of Dad than a nursing home. I have one across the street from my home and it is around 90K a year. Mom won't be going there!

Well, I do not charge but I can understand you wanting to. I can understand the warnings about future care but considering you are doing everything that he would recieve in a nursing home and have no trouble I do not see you putting him in one in the future. I think that 3000 may be a little much but I guess you would have the justification for it. It is equal to or less than what you would be makeing if you worked.

My mom has a very good income from my dad's miitary retirement, she will get it the rest of her life, if you have a large income, you will never be elligible for medicaid. That is why you need to watch closely the amount you "pay yourself". I do not intend to "butt in" I just want to make you aware of good incomes and what you can and cannot do. LuvmyDad was your dad in the military any during "wartime" ? If so he is elligible for Aid and Attendance" you might look into it. :) HUGS !!!!

Luv - you can get a "Personal Services Contract" done by an eldercare attorney. This is specaility practice and you really need to go this route and not get someone who just practices law you know from high school. This will spell out what dad is paying for, etc and protects both of you for the future - both from challenges from other family and from Medicaid application issues later on. IMHO if they live long enough they will run out of $ and you will run out of ability and then will have to do a NH placement and Medicaid application - you want to do whatever to be prepared for that so that you do NOT face a Medicaid penalty for the $ transfer.

Now by having a PSC there are tax implications as you are being paid and will need to get a 1099. @ 3K a mo. 36K in income a year. So when you go to see the attorney you need your & your DH tax items as well as mom financial & old legal.

Your attorney may suggest that the amount be lower and more in line with what a home health care worker would get based on community standards.

One thing you can do is contact 3 home health agencies and have them come to your house to do an evaluation on dad and what they would charge. This you keep for both the attorney to use & more importantly provides "a value" that you can use for charging for his care if you are challenged in court by your sister or by Medicaid later on if you end up needing to place him in a facility and spent all $$$.

Whatever the case, you need to keep track of your time and expenses& mileage but you should be doing that already.

Having a personal services contract is an invaluable tool but really needs to be done to whatever meets the standards for your & dad's state law. If you can't find an certified elder care attorney in your city then contact a good probate attorney.

If you have a specialized skill set or education then you can base the contract to reflect that. Like if you are an RN or have a social work degree you can charge more and it is OK. If you just have a h.s. diploma then you can't - that's why getting what a home health care agency would charge is good. Good Luck.

Jan in Tx - If the situation with your mom is this:

If it is that every month they are over the states Medicaid income limit BUT not enough to pay in full for the NH and qualifies for NH in every other way, then they can see an elder care attorney to do a "Miller Trust" or a "Special Needs Trust". Say mom gets 1K from SS & 1,500K from retirement every mo. Income is $2,500. Basically $ 500 over state's ceiling for monthly income for Medicaid and her assets are under the state's maximum of 2K. No matter what is always is $500 over.

So this excess $ 500 is what funds the trust and therefore mom’s income is now 2K and within the states income ceiling for Medicaid. The beneficiary of the trust is state's Medicaid program and upon death reverts to the state. "Miller" really has to be done by an attorney who does elder law as it needs to be flexible/adaptable and meet the criteria of each state's law on probate (death laws) & Medicaid rules.

Just something to keep in mind if the day should come and she runs out of $ in assets and doesn't have enough come income to totally cover her care costs.

It cost us a lot more than $3000 a month to care at home for my mother with Alzheimer's. That amount seems low. I would arrange a two day vacation for your family and have your sister come in a care for dad during the two days. If she is not willing to do this, pay for someone to come and care for him and send her the bill. Then, set up the meeting with the attorney requiring her attendance. Payment for your father's care needs to be spelled out and written into a contract. Times have changed, people are living longer and the priority is to care for our elderly. Your dad's money should be used to care for him, not passed on in an inheritance. If you are caring for dad, you are not out in the work force earning money and need a source of income. It is better to use the money to keep dad safe in the care of one of his children rather than in the care of strangers.

I took care of my mother and would do it again in a heartbeat, with a few things changed. I left my "corporate" job to manage her care daily. It is a full time job depending on what needs to be done to keep them safe and healthy. I had to pay for respite care in a facility so I could get some sleep at night and still spent my days with her at the respite facility. After 20 years at AT&T I had a nice nest egg and LOST it ALL caring for my mother. I have siblings who "think" they helped, but in reality not much. After mom was killed in a facility while there for respite, I lost myself and purpose. I have since lost my house and am living with a family member and have secure a job in the Health Care field as to help other families so they do not end up like me. There are resources in the community locate and use them.

It sounds harsh to request payment; however I would have requested payment from my family as well to care for my mother. My mother's SS went to pay for her home we had a hard time selling, but I should have demanded from my 6 sibling’s monthly fee to care for her. I gave up everything and when I lost her, I lost everything. I have a wrongful death lawsuit in the process and I "should" receive any funds from that but am sure the family will want monies as well. I have protected myself by keeping ALL receipts I had paid in hopes to regain some of my financial monies back in hopes to start over.

So, YES charge family or your father a reasonable amount, get it set up with an Elder Care Attorney who knows your state laws. Save every receipt you spend on your father from part of the food bill to his incontinence supplies. Your miles to and from the doctor, DME supplies, keep detailed records to protect yourself. So sad in reality that this has to be done, but learn from me. Love your father; you are a blessed angel doing what you seem to want to do, just protect yourself. Take care of yourself as you care for your father. Do not lose yourself in his care, stay true to yourself and PLEASE take breaks and walk away from the situation once in awhile. Contact your local Area on Aging and see if they have a Solutions book that list all of the local resources you may be able to tap into. Bless you and remember to Deep Breathe daily..!!

Blessings,
Bridget

I too decided $3000 was too much. So the amount my sister & I agreed upon was $2000. I drew up an agreement for other expenses that we already both signed. I was surprised at some the of the answers. My dad is not eligible for Medicaid and has income from 3 sources. My husband & I are both retired and 61 yrs old. We provide a loving, safe, healthy &supportive environment for my dad. He has his own bedroom & bathroom. And 2 cats!
My dad is happier & healthier since he has been living with us for the past month, than he was the past year. In my area, assisted living is over $4000 a month and long term care is $10,000 a month. Thank you all for your help!

I have considered reminding my mother of what it would cost her if she had to have some assistant come in to help her instead of my free service, which, at the moment she is not appreciating. She as a habit of treating people like lower class, hired help (that's everyone who helps her). That's about $1,272 min/month for unskilled care. More for skilled. Then she remembers her manners.
So, I think it's just fine to ask for payment. You're worth it. Why should we be free just because we're family? In the American culture, payment for everything from everyone is expected. Foreign countries are not quite so brutal this way.

I'm so glad you have come to a decision !!!!!!!
Good luck :)

I'm with Campbellgirl. Take your father into your home, as you have done, care for him with all the love you now offer, and do not charge him a penny. Let him pay for anything he wants or needs out of his own money. You will be rewarded for this arrangement someday.

N1K263, we are not wealthy people & caring for my dad 24/7/365 does not allow us to work. My mother was bi-polar and disabled. I cared for her from age 18 until she died when I was 43, including adding $400 a month to her income. We also contributed & cared for my mother in law. I don't regret any of it.

N1K2R3, I'm sure you read that Luvmydad's father can afford to pay his own way. The only "reward" I can think of for not letting him do that is that there may be a bigger estate for other relatives to share after he dies.

If Dad had no money, this would be an entirely different story. Since he can afford to pay his own way, why not give him the dignity of doing that?

Luvmydad, I'm glad that you and your sister are comfortable with your decision. It is good not to burn family bridges!

I think u have to file a 1099

Yes she will have to pay taxes, self employement taxes which are the employers and employees portion of social security and medicare. Which means about 3000 plus income tax 5000 equals a total of 8000 in taxes make sure that you make quarterly payments because if you pay the whole sum at the end of the year you will be hit with a penalty. Also make sure to pay and earning tax I they will come after you even years later for any city earning tax that you do not pay. Good luck

I'm absolutely AMAZED at the people who would "charge" their parent a monthly amount of money for their care. I'm not talking about purchases or things that the parent wants or needs, which the parent can well afford. I'm talking about "care".

I have a friend who charged her Mom because she had to quit her job. The family needed the money. Her Mom didn't want to go to a nursing home and she was in bed all day. Required alot of help. The family was one of the most loving I have ever known. The Mom was happy to help her daughter and the daughter was happy to help her Mom. I guess it depends on the situation.

I wouldn't take my Mom into my home. She doesn't want to move out of state and is very difficult. So it will be AL or NH when she needs it. Everyone has a different story.

Also, this friend of mine lived at home until she married. She paid her parents "room and board". Some say they would never take money from their kids to live at home others think it is OK, teaches responsiblity. Everyone has a different take on it.

N1k2R3, how are you able to live without earning money?

luvmydad- im in the same boat ure in . dad beg me to tak ehim to my home cuz he doesnt want to stay in the NH , told him i cant afford to quit my job cuz i have bills that needs to be paid . he agreed to pay my bills so he could stay in my home and i could care for him . it works out good . if he was to stay in the nursing home he would have to pay 3 times as much and not getting the loving care ,
i took dad home with me after pickin him up over thousands of miles away .
it was hell but well worth it . he s been here almost 4 yrs now . is now on hospices , when he is gone i wont have anyone to pay my bills . i ll have to go find a job afterwards ,
people think we caregivers are after our parents money , phhhhhttttttt , that money doesnt mean anything . it only means to pay the bills and be worry free about owin bills , i have ruined my body , mentaly , muscles , and heart aches watching dad goes down hill and im doing it out of love . i didnt make any money to save it up for nest egg . no 401 k no health ins etc . just enuff to pay th ebills and keep him warm and cool and run electrity high cuz he needs oxgene so forth ,
people thinks shame on you for takin dad s money chargin dad for staying here . well let me tell you , he s here cuz we love him and we dont worry about him begin in nusring home and be mistreated . he s here 24 - 7 , i love my dad , he s the sweetest guy on earth . always thankin me for whatever i do for him . when he was in the nusring home . his blood pressure was sky high and he was lonley and always hollaring for me , very biter man he was . and that place cost him tooooo much money !
he s here to pay my bills like he would have if he lived at his own home . way cheaper to save him money .
hell with siblings and hell with people that doesnt see eye to eye . if they want no money then they must be well off .
i need money to pay my bills so dont make me look like a bad selfish daughter chargin pa . cuz im not ! if it was a stranger believe me i would have charge him a hellva more and so i could rebuild my egg savings .
luvmydad ure good to ur pa and he is happy with you and u do need income to feed him buy him food , diapers to shampoo . its not free and its not cheap !! xoxo

Igloo572 has it right on!

DOCUMENT everything. If your dad ever needs to be placed in a nursing facility - all states have a look back period (as much as five years) and you would have to give every single cent back!

I am not saying care giving should always be 'free' - there are legal ways of being compensated - but if you don't go about it the right way it will come back to bite you. SEE AN ELDER LAW ATTORNEY STAT!!!

Just another thought: Caregiving isn't always about money.

I do think it is a terrible thing that the government will take everything an older person has and then will pay a facility to look after them - but will do nothing to help families care for their loved ones.

Many of us retire early or quit our jobs to become full time caregivers. No money, no benefits, no breaks.

I would be grateful for a week or two of paid respite a year - instead - we BEG other family members to help and they have every excuse whey they cannot. Uncle Sam says 'sorry' we have no programs to help in-home caregivers. Thank you, though, for saving Uncle Sam $50,000 a year that we would have had to pay for their care.

It isn't always about money. Most of us do this because we care and then find out that no one really cares about us - our health, our emotions, etc. It is sad. I do appreciate this forum.

Dad is not eligible for Medicaid. My father has a monthly income from social security & investment properties. The amount we are being paid is less than his monthly income, so his principal is not touched at all. I am one of 2 beneficiaries. We care for dad 100% better than any facility. This is the first question I've asked here. I'm shocked at the less than kind answers I've received. I'm here for support, not to be used as a dart board.

I totally understand why you would like to paid, I have my Step-Mother with me, Her own Daughter doesn't want her, Your Dad will never get the same care you are giving him anywhere else, So why not get paid, you are giving up a good part of your life to care for him, and maybe even gave up your job, Things aren't easy out there anymore today, A little help woundn't hurt!