My parents spent their lives relying on my aunt and grandparents for financial support, due to their own irresponsibility. My siblings and I have become very resistant to asking family for any financial help as a result. When my father died and my mother had a heart attack and stroke and lost her job and the house, we moved Mom in with us. I wanted to do the right thing, help her make responsible choices. Save up for burial expenses, pay off debts, stick to a budget. And stop asking family, expecting family – especially my aunt and grandfather – to continue paying for her. Living with us and being even a little disciplined, she could do all this. She’s paid off a lot of the debt and saved a little money, while still also paying for her own extras (hair, phone, gifts, eating out.)
My grandfather sometimes said he’d like to help Mom move to a retirement community but I didn’t feel it was right to let him do this. He needs to provide for his own aging needs. Mom could afford the current situation living with me. My aunt has now made an offer I can’t refuse, to help pay 1/3 of the monthly fee for Mom to move to assisted living. She will be repaid when the retroactive VA benefit is approved, probably in about a year.
I feel like I’ve failed in stopping the dysfunctional pattern my mom and her family lived for 60 odd years, of them taking care of things when my parents got in over their heads over and over. And now I’m afraid I’ll be in the position of asking my aunt for money on behalf of Mom. Then I tell myself I am being too sensitive and to accept this gift. I did not ask for my aunt to pay, she offered. But in thinking of how this might work, I’m worried I WILL be put in the position of asking for help for her. Because we cannot pay for anything if Mom goes to AL. And Mom doesn't really handle her finances, I do. And I have DPOA now, too.
Is there a way to keep this as accepting my aunt's offer and not continuing their pattern? Should I put something in writing? If extra AL related expenses come up, I can't afford to cover them.