My mother has been problematic here and there my whole 48 years. Abusive toward my elder sister, and downright nasty and accusatory toward folks here and there generally. Now she’s 75 and had a stroke and of late, sepsis, of which she nearly passed, she’s being terribly violent and accusatory to my 80 year old father. We’ve had social work involved, however because he’s of sound mind, they leave. Dad is afraid as if he accepts help, she’ll kick off. She’s alienated most of her family and kids, and can’t seem to help herself. If we phone the police they’ll just deal with it in a ‘police manner’. But they’re both vulnerable adults, and as their adult child, I want it to stop for both their sakes, but don’t know where to go from here. She’s mostly ‘with it’. But occasionally delusional. I’m in the U.K. thanks folks.

What kind of help is your dad looking for? Help for himself? Perhaps he would benefit from some counseling or group therapy to help him to develop tools in dealing with your mother. Not unlike the kind of support Al Anon provides.
Unfortunately their dynamic has been forged over time, and is somewhat fixed, but social workers and family therapists can help people of sound mind approach abusive relationships. If she's delusional or psychotic there are meds to help her.. perhaps a consult with pychiatric would help pinpoint the issue. After her stroke she would have had a thorough neurologic eval but strokes can cause dementia. Even if she's just been mean her whole life, there could be a way to take the edge off for your dad. Of course there is always other living arrangements. best wishes
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Reply to gemmab123

Your poor dad. And you for having to deal with this.

What kind of help has your dad been offered that he's rejected? Why does he think this will make her kick off?

He needs to be a teeny bit selfish and think of his own well being at this point.
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Reply to againx100

I am so sorry you are dealing with this situation. If calling the police doesn’t do much good then how about adult protective services? What exactly did the social worker tell you? Do they put on a front with her? Has she seen your parents in their true colors?

I wish your dad had the courage to stand up to her. These situations are not uncommon. Sometimes there isn’t a balance in a relationship and one spouse is dominant over the other one. It’s sad.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

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