I have been looking after my mum ever since I can remember. I hold down a very demanding full time job as a nurse/therapist, whilst now looking after my mums needs every day and balancing my teenage sons needs as a lone parent.
My mum has always been difficult, and a very negative critical person, however this is getting worse. She has terminal breast cancer for the past 5 plus years, which has really taken its toll on her. She constantly blames me, shouts at me and my son. Demands that I am not spending time or caring for her, I do care every day, financially support her, do shopping, get her gifts to cheer her up, general care but it isn't enough. I understand she is scared and how she can't tollerate her emotions, she has always been like this. I have a sister who lives 80 miles away, is on benefits, doesnt help, but keeps in touch with my mum when she's not out somewhere living her life. My sister is horrible but doesn't get any abuse from mum. I feel so desperate, my own health is deteriorating. I can't go anywhere, or my mum kicks off, it's hell. My son I have encouraged to live his life and limit the time he is with her to protect him as he finds its very hard. We have never been able to have a break. All I do is look after her, go to my job to care for others, I have no friends to turn to as I am isolated from them because of mum. I feel I can't go on like this. I dread every day seeing her but feel so guilty. Please can anyone help
Look up the "gray rock method" See if you can use it in dealing with her. Mom needs more than you need her. Hopefully she lives with you. If there is no Dementia you need to talk to her firmly and tell her you cannot put up with her ranting and raving anymore. That you will place her in a care home because you are tired. You financially support her. You buy her gifts but she appreciates nothing. If you live in her home, tell her ur finding a place of your own. Which means no more support. She will need to go on Welfare. Call her bluff. After u do this just walk away. Let her rant and rave hopefully she will realize you mean business. You may need to back up what u say.
Let her rant and rave period. Walk away. You and son ignore her when she is like this. Leave, say to son "lets go get ice cream and leave" You have nothing to feel guilty about. Seems you have done more than a lot of children. Without you where would she be.
:)
hug!!
i hope others have good advice for you!!
my message, is just to give you LOTS of empathy and compassion.
it's crazy HOW MANY mothers mistreat their daughters.
"My mum has always been difficult" :
this is the story of millions of daughters all over the world - and then suddenly they're helping their elderly mothers, who now are EVEN MORE ABUSIVE.
(i wonder how many daughters in the world aren't abused by their mothers? 5? kidding...but it's crazy how common it is.)
as someone posted recently, mean people tend to get meaner when they're elderly.
your childhood was the tip of the iceberg.
it's almost like now they want to finish off the "work" they started.
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as you know OP, abusive mothers will NEVER stop.
they enjoy abusing their daughter/victim.
some people simply enjoy causing pain to others.
(you can try to show no pain, they'll do it anyway. they know, it hurts).
(and even if you show no pain, your body also knows it hurts. you'll see the stress on your body).
(impossible it doesn't affect you)
(IMPOSSIBLE to ignore, because your body is "listening" to the abuse too, it's not just your mind/ears listening).
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so, 1st step:
realize the reality:
abuse DOES affect us.
your body WILL BE affected.
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next step:
solutions.
like many people, what happens is this:
you help = you saved the situation again, great = she continues to abuse you = you need to recover from the abuse = you're depressed = you start to recover = another crisis = you help = you save the situation again, great = she...
you see?
ok.
so what to do?
ah, there is 1 more IMPORTANT THING, in this cycle.
we get older.
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and for us women, it's even more vital:
don't lose time.
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treasure yourself, dear OP.
you're precious.
there are solutions.
start like this:
the current solution is BAD.
almost anything else, would be better.
make a change!
hug!!!
bundle of joy :)
Have you tried Macmillan?
Why must she live with you?
How much care does she actually need, as opposed to how much she demands?