Follow
Share

First I’m an only daughter having 3 brothers. I was a single mother raising 4 daughters. My mother completely took over my daughters undermining me as their mother. So now here we are 20 yrs later I am living out of state with my husband talking to mom and dad daily. Mom fell broke her femure one of my daughters took her to the hospital with dad I’m keeping abreast. Well long story short she almost died. My 2 daughters made all the decisions for her care helping my 87 yr old father. I drove 6 hours to be with dad and mom at dads request. Her health is looking up and a woman came into her room asking about after care. I told her what home health we wanted. And she had me sign as her advocate. After she left my 2 daughters told grandma she was going to their house for her care and she had no choice since they had made her decisions. She said I don’t want to go to your houses I want to go home to my husband and get in home health. They tell her she has no choice since they have made all her decisions! They have small children one has 5 kids one has 4 she isn’t use to commotion. I of course wig out, they say well you ran off out of state we been taking care of her, which is garbage only for the last 7 days, before that dad was on his own. So now they have the nerve to tell me as their mother I have no say in my mom's care and she herself has no choice in her care. And dad is 87 so he’s just tired. That to me is abuse of my mom taking away her wishes and it’s a runaway train. I’m a nurses aid so I know the laws. How do I get her grandkids to back off??? This is got out of control!

Find Care & Housing
I want to reiterate that I didn't ask probing questions b/c I wanted to know - I asked them b/c it's clear that you're agitated, and perhaps forgot to add the details that are needed for strangers to assess and respond to the situation.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to GardenArtist
Report

I see some issues that need clarification. You wrote:

"a woman came into her room asking about after care. I told her what home health we wanted. And she had me sign as her advocate. After she left …"

WHO was the woman? Who is " 'she' (who) had me sign" ? The woman? Your mother? It's impossible to determine whether "the woman" "had" you sign, or your mother "had you sign." And what was the "document"?

It's easy to assume that it might have been some type of authorization to make decisions, but it's impossible to make that conclusion w/o more explanation and detail.

Nevertheless, one critical factor is missing. YOU can't sign as any kind of advocate w/o your mother's designation. You can only sign with your ACCEPTANCE to act.

It seems to me that these control issues arose from the years ago incident when your mother "completely took over my daughters undermining me as their mother". Care to elaborate why and how this happened? Were neglect or abuse charges involved? I'm not prying b/c I'm nosy; I'm asking b/c your mother had no authority to "take over your daughters".

So there are issues which arose years ago, and sounds as if they're still festering.

This also doesn't make sense:

" they say well you ran off out of state we been taking care of her, which is garbage only for the last 7 days, before that dad was on his own." So were your father and mother living separately, if your "dad was on his own"?

I'm not criticizing you as definitely there are a lot of family issues, but it's difficult to respond to your post without understanding the situation more clearly.

I echo DeeAnna's concerns, not only as to what documents might have been executed, but as to what they are, who executed what and who's appointed to handle what responsibilities. If there's a POA, is it a springing or durable? Is there a Living Will or Medical POA as it's also called?

In addition, rehab is the appropriate place for her, especially given the friction in the family.

But, as a word of caution, the family would be wise to work out at least some of the differences b/c either rehab staff or home health care staff are going to observe AND DOCUMENT these family arguments.

That could result in a report to APS.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to GardenArtist
Report

How long ago did you move out of state with your husband, Annie?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report

Please clarify the meaning of "Advocate" as in some states, "Advocate" does not mean that you are the "Power of Attorney" (POA) for Finances or for Health Care for someone.

Do you legally have Durable Power of Attorney and/or Power of Attorney for Health Care? Or did the woman have you sign the form as your Mom's advocate requesting home health because your Mom didn't want to sign the form or has difficulty writing her name?

Since your Mom fell & broke her femur, why is she not going to a Rehabilitation facility for physical therapy and occupational therapy? After a 3 night hospital stay, Medicare will pay a percentage of the Rehabilitation facility's cost for 100 days. Your Mom might only have to stay at the Rehab facility for 1 or 2 months and then go home. She would get much better and comprehensive physical therapy and occupational therapy. Are you and your parents concerned that if your Mom goes into a Rehab facility, that she might never come home again? How well can your parents perform their own ADLs? Have one of your daughters been caring for them in their home? Is that why the daughter are so insistent that your Mom go to her home? I need a little more information so that I can give more appropriate suggestions.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to DeeAnna
Report

Wow. That really is beyond belief. Where the heck are they coming from? And what is their motivation here?

In any case, they have no authority to make decisions for their grandmother. If grandmother has never been declared incompetent to make her own decisions (by a court) then she is the one who gets to decide where she will live and what kind of help she wants.

You are her executor. How about financial and medical POA?

I am truly sorry that your daughters have taken this attitude, but they have no authority to enforce their "decisions." Even if they had healthcare POA they could only make decisions for her if she agrees or a court has found her incompetent.

Sounds like some of your mother's poor child-raising practices in undermining your parenting role are coming home to roost. Your mother is lucky you don't consider this pay-back time!
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to jeannegibbs
Report

Yes I’m also the executer of their will over my 3 brothers! I need to have someone put them in their place! Since I’m no longer their mother in their eyes! I’m an equal and why they disrespect me is beyond belief
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Annie55
Report

If your mother signed you over as her advocate, then it is you and your mothers decision whether your daughters like it or not. That document with her signature by law is all you need. If they don't respect your mothers wishes, they can get into serious legal trouble. You may have to get higher authorities involved but regardless, you certainly have the upper hand here. Best of luck.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Caregiverology
Report