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I am the only one who visits my Grandma in the nursing home. Her daughter, (my mother) & narcissist who appears not to care. She is also suspected of sneaking funds & does not seem to have her mother's best interest at heart. My Grandma is very high functioning. Has been diagnosed w/ dementia, paranoid personality disorder, & delusions. I see Grandma alot. Her daughter doesn't even go see her. She does not stick up for my grandmother at all. Grandma is basically my best friend & vise versa. I am the only one my Gramma can trust & when things do not "appear” correct (money missing, bank statements, other things) it is very easy for ”others" to just say that my grandmother is making things up, or lying. The nursing home believes anything my mother tells them. I don't see much difference in my grandmother's mental capacity, but she was diagnosed with NO tests. She cannot hear well which also appears at times that she isn't quite normal. But I know her...she doesn't seem to have dementia. (My mother also has my Grandma's bank cards & credit cards). A small example....My Mother told me that she had to withdraw over $500 from Grandma's acct.to give to the nursing home for the payment. The same month, my Grandma told me "the billing lady came in & wants her to write a check for the same amount for the same thing". I inquired about this situation to my Mother. She said she would find out what's going on. Minutes later....my mother called back & said "she's making it up, it never happened". A very easy explation for missing money. My Grandma also said that"someone" went thru all her stuff when she wasn't in her room. (Was said to be paranoid, or a delusion). However...my mother told me the "billing"woman said that she had gone to my Grandma's room when she was in the dining room & went thru all her things looking for a bank statement. So it was true. The "billing woman" never told the nurses what she did, which explains my Grandma's claim.So when my Grandma was telling nurses that "someone kept getting into her things"- it's written down as paranoia, & delusional behavior. If the nurses (or anyone else) goes in to speak to my Granndma, IF she can hear them (she is almost deaf), she is capable of carrying on a normal conversation. Also...Grandma is 93. So, it seems to me, (I know her best)..that anyone who interacts with her, is thinking of her age, not her mental state - "as if she is declined mentally". Her room is in the "dementia ward" where many other patients lash out, wander &/or cry out on a normal basis.I see staff act with her as they do the other patients. My Grandma makes perfect sense if ya sit down, & spend time talking with her. But she cannot hear much & her responses look like a severe mental condition.


(Bear with me)
The reason I am explaining all these tiny details, is to give an idea of what is going on "all the time". I do know that my Mother signed her in as long term. Grandma is getting lied to, (theraputic lying?) led on about going home, & intentionally patronized by staff. They treat her the same as other severely declined patients. Being new to this facility, & being aware of her surroundings, makes a very angry woman. That also adds to the appearance of extreme mental decline. I know my Grandma...& aside from normal aging issues, she appears very normal to me. She remembers things that even I forget!
I've seen this for months now, & my part is to be there for her, love her, & make sure she is being treated with respect, honesty, & compassion. I truly believe she is being taken advantage of. I'm very upset & confused.
Thank you for listening. I tried to give details as well as examples, & descriptions. This situation makes it hard for me to carry on even somewhat normally. I'm having a difficult time eating &sleeping. Yet my mother is living her life as usual, with her husband, who is known to dislike my Grandma. My mother has moved her own family into the background.But my job is to take care of my Grandma. I hope I have explained enough to give some inclination of what is going on. A very strange, seemingly WRONG situation. I am basically the only "adult behaving" member of my family, as is my Grandma. I am not even sure what to do next. I will add tho, how she ended up in a nursing home. Her & my Mother have fought for years. But my mom always seemed to care. Last day of Grandma's freedom...my mother went to my Grandma's apt, where Grandma has taken care of herself for over 30 years. Grandma had enough...she gently, but very firmly pushed my mother out the door, telling her to leave. My Mother called the police - said my Grandma was finally mentally out of control. Grandma was pulled out of her apt by the police. Put in the "city hospital"where they medicated her too much. It was awful. Then.....she was transferred to the nursing home & lowered the meds. Now, they will not let her out. It almost seems more like kidnapping than a caring, move to a nursing home because of dementia?


Im glad to be here, and looking forward to interacting. Thanks so much. 🙂

Well, Grandma's birthday began great. She got a bit upset later at my mother. Instead of keeping her head, & realizing that grandma is very upset....she yelled at her. The nurse had to come in & tell her that Grandma needs to calm down cuz she doesn't want her to have a stroke. And if her & my mother can't get along...then she won't be allowed in anymore.
It just occurred to me after that....my mother's yelling was not seen by the nurses...but Grandma's was. So once again it makes grandma look out of control- but my mother appears fine. I was thinking as she was yelling "why are you yelling at her? Turn it around and how would you feel? That's the LAST thing you should do is get grandma upset worse than she is."
Then it hit me:
If my Grandma mysteriously "loses her cool" when my mother comes....they won't allow her to visit. That's what she wants. She doesn't want to have to do anything that takes effort.... therefore, it's all on me. And I live 40 minutes away! The only relatives grandma has left is mom...& me. So if they don't let my mother in, she doesn't have to bother, & she can say it's not her fault....that grandma gets too upset. But to yell back awful things to her....I knew it seemed as if she was trying to upset Gramma more. Could someone be this mean? Could my mother be so terrible that she thinks out "motives"? I never, ever thought so in my whole life. She couldn't....it's Mom. But some people actually DO think that way. Some people actually really do think some things out in such a way. I cannot do this all by myself & certainly my mother knows this. But for years now her behavior is getting worse...extremely selfish & bad things just "happen" & to where it's never mom's fault.
I guess I'm venting now....I wonder how mom could go on for a whole month without seeing grandma & not think how sad she must feel to not see her own daughter. Not think how hard it is that I am doing everything. Certainly she wouldn't do that. But then I realized my mother's history-
that her current husband is an old boyfriend of mine. They were sneaking behind my back & I found out. I worked through it years ago. These are two very sick people & that's why I'm so close to grandma. She was there for me when nobody else would be. My mom n dad got divorced when I was 15...they left me alone for days at a time when my Grandma came to get me. Literally put my bed in her kitchen cuz the house was so small....she raised me from then on. At the age when you learn values, and proper respectable behavior...that was grandma! My dad...he has other problems. I found the love of my life & we got married last year. Two days later, Dad tried to kill himself. He was in the hospital for a month recovering. I am sitting here thinking....Thank God I am my own person. Thank God I have not grown up with the behaviors & ethics my parents have. I worked very hard at it....& I must say that I'm very proud to have the heart I have. To know what empathy is & to feel love so deeply. My mother & father don't even know who their daughter is now. But my wonderful husband and grandma do. I don't care what it takes...I will take care of my grandmother. I owe my happiness to her!!!!
Thank you all for listening to my little rant. I'm quite emotional as poor Grandma's birthday was terrible for her. My mother talked me into driving over 50 miles to pick her up....& back. Both ways. And grandma couldn't even eat her cake. She was shaking so badly, they had to bring her medicine to calm down. And my mother was in the lobby playing the victim. I learn more everyday. I will be learning for the rest of my life & I'm grateful for that too.
I apologize for "cutting loose" on here....but I have seen that many others are having such a hard time also. I'm glad I'm here, maybe I can help. Thank you all for your comments & replies and I certainly will keep you posted. Know that your comments are so very much appreciated! Must go... I send love, and I thank you. See ya soon.
🙂❤️
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Reply to Photographer
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Lets look at this from the other side. Does Mom have POA? You say Gma was in a hospital after Police picked her up. This hospital may have been a Psychiatric one. I would think tests were run and a NH was recommended. They don't run tests in a NH. Evaluation but no tests. Is Gma on Medicaid. If so, then the $500 your Mom sends maybe her SS which the NH is entitled to. If Gma is on Medicaid, then she has no money that Mom can steal, If Mom is handling Gma's money, then why would she have at checkbook in her room and have statements coming to her. I admit her hearing would cause problems but staff should be very aware she doesn't hear. This is not an unusual thing in a NH. You can call APS and ask them to evaluate Gma's situation.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Photographer Sep 23, 2018
Mom does not have POA. I love my mother very much....and it's very hard. What I actually meant about the money...yes she owes it to the nursing home. Maybe I wasn't clear. But the woman asking her for a check, AND taking out the money is actually two payments. It's very difficult to explain, as there is a history involved also. Alot of it is distrust from my Grandmother. However....I did help fix that a bit. I told my mother, if your getting blamed or suspected of these things, give her back her cards. She is going to do that. That will assure my grandmother cannot blame her for anything. I'm caught in the middle basically. I have seen since signing up that there are so many people in distress, and so many elders not always getting what they need. The nurses I see are doing the best they can. My grandmother did have a UTI in the first hospital....but I've gotten all the information and she did not get any required tests to determine dementia. I guess what I am wondering....my Grandma no doubt was depressed, Now she is getting anidepressants. She does have some things mixed up, but these happened when she was in the psych ward. She has improved since going to the nursing facility. But was not given the opportunity to get better and go home. But now she is not getting any exercise cause she is in there, so her legs are not steady. So, she would be in there probably now anyway. I'm considering moving her in with me. I enjoy my grandmother very much, but my mother gets yelled at and understandably, doesn't always enjoy the times that may be left. I'm wondering if this would help, however I am also disabled and must think of what I'm capable of also.
Ive just seen that this is so hard on everyone. Looking through these posts....it all sort of adds up to one thing....this is a hard issue. They don't get enough help. Caretakers don't get enough help. And nurses don't get enough help. Luckily my grandmother is a very strong woman. Lol. When I do start to cry, she hugs and comforts me. She says "please don't cry, I'm ok. We all knew things were coming for a long time." It's sad as my mother has never had this open, loving relationship with her. I wish she did. But it is something strange between the two of them for many years. I will do the best I can and help my mother do the same. And, I will still watch to make sure she gets what she needs and things are safe.
Thank you so much for your comment!! It's very appreciated!
My mother and I are very close.... despite her narcissistic ways. Lol. I call her on them. But we do still have a good time together. Thankfully, I hired a life coach many years back. So I don't see things "only in 3D" anymore. I see so many other sides to every situation and what I see the most is how it must feel to be locked up while having full awareness. (Grandma). And no doubt this takes acceptance on her part too. She is actually adapting better than I would. Lol. Here's the problem, I see things differently than most. I would rather fall over at the end of my life- literally out still taking pictures. I would want to be free to die the way I want. I know my grandmother thinks the same. Go until you fall. Lol. She has has a way of discipline for herself that has kept her active for many years. And yet....if anyone who loves her is not totally caring for her "as required", we are responsible. Ya know? But I will tell you how wonderful it is to finally have someone to talk to about all this. On a good side....today is Grandma's birthday! I will be picking up my mother and we will try to make this- if not a happy occasion, at least a tolerable one for Grandma. I still would love any opinions and ideas as they are so appreciated. Thank you!🙂
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Photographer, I read your profile, and might I suggest that you come back and ad some of the pertinant info her to your question, as others may not go back to read your profile.

You seem to be on top of things, and it might be better if You were your Grandma's POA if that would be possible. Just because Grannie has been diagnosed with Dementia, doesn't necessarily mean that she is so "far gone" in her diagnosis that she cannot appoint you as her POA.

That would be determined by the Attorney that draws up the document. If this is something that she desires, They would speak to her in private, away from you, and it would be up to them to decide if she has the Mental Capacity to make her own decisions, and also make sure that she wasn't being coerced into it.

What is mental capacity?
Having mental capacity means being able to make informed decisions – for example, about our care, welfare and finances. The law says that while you have mental capacity, you will be able to understand the information relevant to each decision, retain that information, use or weigh the information as part of the decision-making process, and communicate your decision (by whatever means).capacity required to make most decisions for themselves. Note that just because the decision they have made seems unwise, does not mean they lack the capacity to make that decision. The law is very clear that everyone has the right to make their own life choices, where they have the capacity to do so.

As dementia progresses, they may lose the capacity to make certain decisions – for example, to manage their finances. However, they may still have the capacity to make other decisions (for example, what they would like to wear, who they would like to be friends with or what they would like to eat for dinner).
The symptoms of dementia will get worse over time and currently there is no cure. It is therefore important to get an early diagnosis and take action, while there is still time.


Obtaining power of If the person diagnosed with dementia has not lost mental capacity, they will be able to make a Lasting Power of Attorney. This should be done with a lawyer, who can offer proper advice and attest that the person understands the decision they are making.

I definitely think that this might be something for you to consider if you believe that others (your Mother and others at the Nursing home) are not behaving with her best interest at heart. If your Grannie is to far into her Demetia and unable to make those decisions, then you might consider obtaining Guardianship of her.

I'm sorry that all of this has to be so hard, but you do seem the most appropriate person to manage these things for her, as you are so close, and she trusts you the most! If you do go forward with getting an Attorneys advice on this, I would reccomend that you do speak with them together initially, and tell them she is hard of hearing, and to be patient with her. If your Grandma is unable to travel to an Attorneys office, you can have one brought in for her too! Good Luck, and Welcome to the AC Forum!
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Photographer Sep 23, 2018
Thank you so much!
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I am absolutely floored that “the billing woman” entered your grandmother’s room and went through her personal papers—for whatever reason, without Grandma’s express permission. This is wrong and should be reported to the administrators of the facility immediately.

If Mom is not POA, and even if she is, if she’s stealing from Grandma, that’s a crime just like if she broke into her home and stole things. Just because she’s “family” doesn’t mean it’s ok. But, you need proof and not just a “notion” that she is stealing from her mother. Who is handling Grandma’s finances? Sounds to me like all that stuff needs to be locked up to keep it out of the wrong hands. I’d enlist the help of an attorney.

Does Grandma get involved with the activities at the facility? I know in my mom’s case everyone was treated pretty much the same. Staff was overworked and there is always a shortage of aides. They really don’t have the time or the training to learn the resident’s very specific versions of dementia; that’s not their job, anyway. Maybe if there are activities at the facility Grandma could get involved. That way, people would get to know her and understand her particular issues.
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Photographer Sep 23, 2018
Grandma won't go to activities and I do know why. It's very embarrassing for her to be around others when she cannot hear them. Grandma and I are indeed looking for an attorney. I am also appalled at the lack of privacy she has....and in no way should her personal things be gone through. However, my mother told her to. It was obviously easier to invade her privacy than drive up and look, or ask her personally. Yes I believe someone else should be dealing with her finances.
Grandma is fine making most of her own decisions. But was not at the beginning. Please read the other replies. But like all of us, she doesn't always decide what is good for her. Lol. I will add more....thank you do much for your suggestions! I must hurry at the moment cuz today is Grammas birthday. Got alot of driving to do....
Thanks so much! Pardon my spelling as I am writing all this from my cell phone. I did away with the computer when we moved to the woods! 😃
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I just read your about me section.  Wow! I hope others see this and respond too. It seems that you may have enough cause to apply for guardianship.  I have no idea how to do that.  However, you could ask to talk with the nurse in charge, and tell her how you see things. 

Does Grandma have at least one hearing aid?  My aunt seemed strange until I learned that I need to change her battery and give her the hearing aid to put in each time.  What a difference!  I'm sorry you are going through this.  You seem to be a very caring person.  Big hugs!  Let us know how things progress.
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Reply to GrannieAnnie
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Photographer Sep 23, 2018
First...big hugs back to you!
Gramma did give me an old hearing aid....told me what place to go and have it fixed for her. Doing that as soon as I can. So much to do! And I live 40 minutes away. Lol.
Yes I've considered guardianship....I have looked in on how to do that. But Grandma would easily give me POA. Either is good. However I also believe this is what my mother wants, as I don't think she wants to do anything. She has tried several times to put all this on me, but for right now, will not fall for it. If I feel my mother's health is not good dealing with all this, I will have to. But it will be a repeat of history and I know what can happen if all is piled onto one person. We lost my only brother, (only sibling) a few years back. Basically, I had to take care of everything as it came along... because the whole families behavior was ridiculous. Ending with a party where my mother gets up on the very top of a picnic table in front of everyone....(she made a cake for the party and was angry at her loss)....stood on the "very top" of it and says loudly; "I am his mother. Here....eat cake."
Then steps down. Yea. Ending even further, with his daughter (only 18 at the time) having to watch as my mother dumps my brothers ashes over her head. Yes you heard that correct. Lol. (The lol is not a "ha ha" but more a "Ugh" response.) I don't want to give my mom the chance to "ease out" so she doesn't have to bother with anything. She will not hesitate to put all this on me again. In fact, she has done nothing...not even visit Gramma for over a month. Gramma is very angry, (we all know it stems from hurt) that her daughter just doesn't bother. I even call & leave cute messages through the nurses. They are nice enough to go down and tell Gramma that "Your granddaughter called and says: I love you". This is a regular thing they are sweet enough to do. My mother knows she can do this also... but just doesn't. So I'm trying to keep things the same at this current time. That may change in the future.
This is why I basically said "I am the only adult in my family".
So....if I have to take over again to help my grandma, I will. But wow, I'm so tired of adults acting like children. We will see what comes up....as my family will never change.
I must go for now, as Grammas birthday is today!
I will answer the other replies when I get back. Thank you so so much everyone. Looking forward to meeting you all. Sending vibes of love, and hugs!!! Be back later on!
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