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Parents can no longer live where they do. House is too much to maintain and mom keeps falling. Mom is 76 with diabetes, CHF, about to go on dialysis. Dad has CHF, diagnosed 5 years back. Had valve replacement and stent last year. Fatigued at times but ok generally.


A few years back I suggested my parents move down. Now that they know they need to move, they want to come down and live with me. They would sell their place and give me the $$ to buy a bigger place for us all to live together (I’m divorced with 2 daughters...7th grade and 10 grade).


Actually it is more my mom that wants to live with me. My dad just doesn’t want to shovel or do any house maintenance except load the dishwasher. My mom is worried one of them will pass after moving in to AL and then be lonely and unable to move anywhere else.


If this were a few years back, it would have been ideal. With Covid, house prices are ridiculous! It will be difficult to find something that we can all be happy with in our price range without moving my kids from their school.


Where do I start with this whole process?

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Do not let parents move in with you or give you money for a larger home so they will fit. This would cause problems with qualifying for Medicaid. Move them closer to you, assisted living, but not in with you. They will take over your life and your kids as well.

First step, contact an elder law attorney to learn about legal issues with the elderly and get those powers of attorney, etc done.
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Reply to gladimhere
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Start by deciding very firmly that you will not be moving yourself and your daughters into a larger property with your parents. You will not be uprooting the young ladies and separating them from their friends and their neighbourhood. No. That's a no. Keep saying NO.

Next step: location location location. What kind of properties that would suit your parents are available near you? Have you had a good look? Keep an open mind - could be a retirement community, an ALF, even just an ordinary house or apartment provided it's close enough to all the relevant amenities and services.

And breathe deeply! There are many options, not just the either "with you" or "in ALF and die lonely and miserable." How far have you got with local research?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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If you let them move in your life will become a living hell. No exaggeration. Do not do it. For ANY reason.

You would be letting your parents down (even if they don't realize it). You would be letting your kids down. You would be letting yourself down. Do not give in, do not buckle, do not let them in with you "temporarily", do not give them a "trial period" to see "if it works".

Just. Don't. Do. It.

Why can't they just get an apartment? That would solve the issues of Dad not wanting to shovel or anything.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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Where you start is to say no. And then start looking for facilities. What might have been discussed in the past is no longer relevant. You can find an AL where they both live together and use the money from selling house to pay for their care. It would be best if the facility accepts Medicaid so they can remain in place once money is gone. That is easier than trying to move into a place once money is gone as most Medicaid facilities have waiting lists.

if she is about to go on dialysis, she will need to go 3 times a week. Additional care associated with that may either put her at a higher level of care or disqualify her from AL all together.

Covid is an issue but people are still being admitted although the activities and options in facilities have changed. If your father only wants to put dishes in dishwasher, someone else (you) would have to buy the food and cook the food to put on the plates to eat it. Don’t do this. Your time is better spent on your children.
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Reply to dogparkmomma
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How will your mother get to her 3x/week dialysis?

PLEASE read the wonderful advice of the previous posters. Do not let your parents move in with you, do not use their house sale $ for a bigger house for all of you. You will regret it!

The proceeds from the sale of their house should be used for them to live in a facility. Because of your mother's impending need for 3x/week dialysis, she would be better-suited for a facility than in an apartment.
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Reply to CTTN55
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With the health issues of both but especially your mother they need more care than you can manage to give. It will only be a matter of time that if your mom lives, she will need to be in long term care. It makes no sense to spend their money on a house. IF and that’s is a big if, assisted living will even take your mom, that is the best choice. No one can predict how long someone will live and Actually they will be less lonely around more people at AL. You of. Purse can visit regularly as can the grandkids.
I assume you still work, so let's say you buy a big home, they move in, you are working and mom keeps falling. She breaks a hip. Has to go into rehab and then likely into LTC. Now you have a bigger home with a bigger mortgage and no money to pay for her care. This is a bad decision all around if you look at the future which is staring you in the face. Do not do it. And do not let the word "guilt" even enter your mind. Be rational, think of long term projections, let your head rule what is in best interest of all. Good luck
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Reply to Harpcat
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Great advice here. Seriously consider how your life will change, not just for you, but for your daughters. Set boundaries and make decisions that are appropriate for you and your daughters' needs, as well as keeping your parents safe and cared for, which can be accomplished my finding what options there are in your area - an apartment, senior living, assisted living, etc. Make sure you have all of the information needed to make a good decision for everyone.
One thing you do not want is to have them live with you. They will become the focus of your life and you will have no privacy from one another. If they move nearby, that will be a much better circumstance for everyone, but they will still require more of your time than ever before and will increase as they continue to age. If they are well enough, an apartment might be the first step.
My Mom and her three sisters moved here in the mid 90s into their own apartment, and slowly changed my life in ways I never expected, most of which were not good. They inserted themselves into every aspect of my life, affecting both personal and professional decisions. Now it's just my Mom left a 93, and even though she doesn't live with me, she is very demanding and keeps me from living my life without her constant insertion and selfishness.
Even the nicest of parents will still have needs for which they'll turn to you, and you have to think of now as well as later and how you want it to work out the best for all involved. Clearly thinking about the factors and each person will help you set boundaries that you can live with as well as to enjoy your parents moving nearby while still maintaining your life.
I wish you and all of us caring for our loved ones the best!
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Reply to pattiac
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OkieGranny Aug 28, 2020
I don't mean to be harsh, but you are the one keeping yourself from living your life. Just say NO. Turn off your phone. Lay down some rules. Please don't be a doormat.
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you're setting yourself up for a no-win situation. Whatever you do do not make the mistake of buying a house and moving them in , your whole life as you know it will cease to exist and resentment will build.... its inevitable. And don't move them close if they don't move some place that takes care everything else for them. My husband is a Slave to his parents who refuse to leave their home because they want to die there , yet they can't even change a lightbulb anymore or put batteries in a clicker. They look right at him and say we don't want to do that that's work. My husband still works full-time but is a slave to parents who just don't feel like doing any more work. His mom likes to throw things in his face to make him feel guilty like the fact that he borrowed $400 when he was 18 .....35 years ago, and his resentment is growing everyday.
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Reply to 1golflady
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JoAnn29 Aug 28, 2020
He needs to set boundries. They need to realize what they can and can't do anymore. Then maybe they will realize they need to downsize. If he is mowing their lawn, then he needs to tell them to hire some. Was the lightbulb important? Give them a white board to put things down the need or need done. He goes over once a week to do these things. Oh, I would pay that $400 back. He can only make himself feel guilty.
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Watch their money, it cannot be mingled with yours - such as pooling together to buy a bigger house. That could prevent them from using Medicaid/Medicare down the line.

The very first thing you need to do is see an Certified Elder Care Attorney, with your parents. The attorney will set a path that you all can follow, money wise.

I second, third, fourth & fifth everyone else’s advise - don’t move them in with you!
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Reply to BeckyT
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I would not move them in with you with teens in the house. Its hard enough raising kids this age without grandparents putting in their 2 cents. Kids just need 1 parent at this age bossing them around. If they have really had no constant contact with your parents them trying to tell them what to do will not go over big. There will be no harmony in your family.

Maybe a nice independent living which graduates into an AL and then LTC. My Aunt lives in one in Fla that they have a smaller home, then an AL and LTC. If needed, she can use some of the benefits of the AL but she pays for them. Grounds are kept up by the Community. My SILs Mom was in an IL where she went down to dinner, had transportation and activities.

Just tell Mom sorry but I don't think us living together is a good idea.
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