A month ago husband agreed to wear depends but he refuses to change them. Any suggestions?

Since, it appears that the husband is not mentally capable of helping avoid serious harm to his health, I'd get a legal consult. If the person who is legally responsible for him does not intervene, I'd be concerned with legal consequences. Have you inquired what happens if you have to take him to an ER and they see what has happened to him? I'd treat it as an emergency and get a legal consult. I'd be concerned that the primary doctor is not responding.

Well, I must admit this would not fly with me. My step father is in diapers, went to pick him, said, go the bathroom before we leave...No he said, I'll just poop in my diaper..my answer was No, if you don't start using the bathroom when you can and need to, you will be moved from AL to a nursing home. That ended that, he knew that I was serious.

My head hurts from where I just banged it on the edge of the desk.

"My husband will not allow frequent enough changes of his Depends."
"Here are 400 more Depends."

It's the exquisite, poignantly comic torture of a response that does have an association with, but is in no way a solution to, your problem.

Update: VA did not call but they did send about 400 Depends, which is not the brand name but it's the one Spouse has heard of so it's what I call them to him. Next is calling the PCP's nurse again. I'm tracking on the calendar when they're changed.

Update after 8 months: Spouse has settled into his routine of changing 2-3 times weekly. About 50 percent of the time I remind him and that's unchanged since last month. The PCP hasn't addressed the problem and during the next VA clinic visit tomorrow, I'll send another note to him and grab his nurse. The stank is pretty bad.

Update after 7 months: Today I left a note for PCP re the not changing Depends often enough. One was fresh on Saturday morning and Tuesday night stained the pants and kitchen chair, which has a washable pad. Spouse was upset even though "The Depends Smell Bad" phrase was used. It would seem that if a person has junk, allowing the junk to sit in ammonia would be agonizing.

I think a male aide would help if that's possible. Sometimes they do better for strangers, dont know why. Good luck!

Update after 6 months: Upon rethinking the phrasing of the request "Please change the Depends", I changed the wording to four simple words: "The Depends smell bad." He had a fresh one Thursday and Saturday it stank from four feet away. I could see the four words percolate as he realized what they meant and after two minutes of silence while I continued washing the dishes, he changed the subject. This morning the bin held the dirty Depends and if this continues, that's great. I'll whittle the time between changes.

You may want to try plastic garbage bags or tarps on the places that he sits or lays on. That helps considerably with cleaning up issues. As for the depends issue, I am sorry, I just can't help you there. (edit: But from what I have read further down, it sounds like that you are trying is working out pretty good).

Pronker, to me, something is just not right with someone who refuses to change their undergarment/depends, etc. when necessary. I agree about requesting a mental evaluation to see what's going on. I recall that my LO used to have odd reactions to putting on clean clothes or having her linens changed. She would flat out refuse and cry if I tried to put clean sheets on the bed. Her sheets were so dirty that they had worn thread bare! The dirt was gritty. Yet, she cried when I insisted on clean sheets. Eventually, her dementia was diagnosed.

With some conditions, writing notes for the patient is not helpful. They don't think of reading a note and even if they did, they may not be able to process it. Plus, with cognitive decline, proper judgment and reasoning are declining. He may not be able to really make these decisions for himself. I'd also get a legal consult to find out your rights and responsibilities too.

Hi, My husband let's me change him but I know he hates that I have to do it for him. It has to be done. Tell your husband you don't want to smell it and have the aroma in the house. And, the red soars of course. That's what I hate the most, knowing I will be "changing" my husband for the rest of his life. I cry about it sometimes. He. Needs to do what he HAS to just like you. Good luck, and hang in there.

You don’t say anything about him having dementia, but it sounds like he needs to be evaluated. I can’t imagine wearing a stinking, sopping, heavy, “squishy” thing between my legs for days on end. The itching from the urine against my skin would drive me crazy. Are you firm with him or do you back down when he resists? Unless your boarders are in a completely different area, they have to notice the smell as well. And, it’s unsanitary.

Has his doctor explained to him that he needs to change at least every few hours? If the nurse is a woman, he may just have e decided no mere woman is going to tell him what to do. He knows if he throws a hissy, you’ll leave him be.

If he continues resisting, tell him you’re hiring a male aide built like a linebacker to “help” him change. And I’m only half kidding.

Six Months Update: Spouse 50 percent of the time goes three days without a change, so I called VA. Nurse suggested putting up a note to remind Spouse to change daily to reinforce my verbal reminders. The bin is dark brown, so I painted in white "daily" on it prior to informing Spouse that Nurse said that UTIs were common if Depends remain unchanged often and also skin damage could occur. Spouse bulled, "Well, I'm not doing that." After six months, the sitch is about 50 percent better than at the beginning, when he'd not change until they leaked down the pantlegs worse than now. The smell remains, but it is lessened.

I observe a pattern: change on Friday, go through to Monday (when the odor gets especially pungent, to my objection but not his), change Monday about half the time with my insistence, the other half he changes without reminder), change Wednesday, and Friday once more. Before usage began, the concern was that he'd refuse to wear Depends at all. Not changing often enough was unforeseen by me.

Try telling him it could cause a severe infection and his friend there may have to ve amputated. Get a Doc to go along with it.

Update: Since beginning 24/7 wearing of Depends in November, I can see that I need to constantly remind about changing after initially being hopeful he would take over responsibility all the time. The Depends were fresh on Saturday, leaked Monday onto the washable dining room chair seat and when I reminded him about changing, Spouse said, "I just did that." I said, "It's been a few days and they are designed for daily changes, at least." He changed last night before bed.

I'm considering a chart on the disposal bin, or something he can check off when they're changed to give a sort of pat on the back. The alternative is to keep on keeping on reminding, which I am willing to do.

Update: After 3 months, changing is more often, occasionally with my prompting, but most time not. It's still a challenge for me to grab his stained clothing before he puts it on again. He's had several outings with no leaks or odor, even with people sitting right beside him at movie theaters and so forth, which hasn't been the case for about 1 year.

It was indeed a push in the right direction! Spouse seems slow on the uptake re changing often enough, yet there's progress in 2 months that is encouraging. He seems okay with the dexterity needed in the changing process, thanks for asking.

Update after 2 mos. Depends usage: Spouse changes more readily. I believe the phone call from the place of worship's leader tilted the scales; although Spouse did not tell me the reason for the call afterwards, a call is rare from there and I noticed the uptick in cooperation directly afterwards.

I didn't ask, just like with a 2 year old, but just said, "mom, let's go change". For me it worked to have her sit on the bedside commode. I took the bowl off the bottom and had towels on the floor under it. She would pull down her pants, sit down and I be would be able to we her from under the commode. Then put the new depends on. It was just party of our day...4 times day. It made getting dressed in the morning and into pj at night easier too.

He needs help!! Not only using depends but a lesson in hygiene. Was he like this at all before using the depends?[

I know that my mother with vascular dementia lost awareness of what was going on down there pretty early on in her illness, she could and did still use the toilet when I took her but didn't seem aware that she had to go or if she had wet her pullup. She also lost control of her bowels pretty early on too - I hope you don't have to face that anytime soon.

@cwillie - Yes, he goes to the toilet - but our son said he heard him just the other day void into the Depends while they two were talking. He did not even try to make it into the bathroom, which is 10 feet down the hall. It seems he likes the Depends, realizes they're necessary, but doesn't realize his odor or skin danger. Thanks for the tip. Outside help he is iffy about - someone at the place of worship told me to tell him about the problem after a ghastly incident in the sanctuary and he /did/ listen to that; his dentist mentioned it and it didn't make an impression.

@rocketjcat Very good about checking the skin! That's a help; and yes, I've toned down asking questions but sometimes they just pop out. The phrase "It sounds like you x" places a level between a bald question and a more delicate one.

@ahmijoy I suspect dementia and his coverage is VA which is thorough with multiple appointments monthly. I'm trying to think of what an aide would do - he bathes himself; medicates himself; dresses himself but doesn't notice/care about the urine stained pants, etc., so that's an issue. I grab the dirty pants whenever possible and it's a struggle to keep ahead because he wears them for days at a time, though he has plenty of clean ones.

Thanks, everyone for the specialized help! Merry Christmas to you!

Pronker, you don’t mention it, but does he have dementia as well? Do you help him bathe? If so, simply make the used Depends “disappear”. If he hasn’t been formally diagnosed with dementia, maybe it’s time to see his doctor. There are medications to make this easier. Dirty briefs can cause skin and bladder infections, but you already know that.

Have you tried having an aide come in to help? Sometimes they will listen to an aide before they listen to us.

I agree with Cwillie...I had to change the way I approached this with Mom. No more “Do you need to go potty?” “Are your panties wet?” The answer is always No, even when I know she’s wet. I don’t know if she just can’t feel the wetness, doesn’t want to be cold when her pants come off, I have no idea. So now it’s not a question. “Let’s sit on the toilet for a few minutes and try”. Or “The girls are here to change your pants and get you cozy warm again”. No questions asked.
How about “The doctor told me I have to check your skin daily now, so we have to do it now in the bathroom. Let’s go.”

Does he never attempt to use the toilet at all or bathe or change his clothes (all very common problems with dementia)? There comes a time when you don't ask, you tell. Follow him in to the bathroom and hand him a clean pull up. Ditto at night. You might get some good tips by searching the forum for refusing to bathe/shower/change. Bringing in outside help to get him in the shower might be a good first step.