I read a lot of posts by women who are at the end of their rope taking care of spouses who are difficult to take care of. I wonder what keeps them motivated taking care of someone who has a host of behavioral issues.
I think it is important to talk to an elder care attorney. Our advice was to not get divorced and somehow she will be able to save enough of our assets that I should be ok too. I do not know how this is possible. This decision about placement has nothing to do with the love within a marriage it has to do with the best way to proceed for both people in the marriage. You can still be faithful to a marriage when one person is in residential care.
Perhaps there's something about women's constitution, in general, that makes them better suited to be caregivers of young and old...
But it would always be on a case-by-case basis. People are individuals. There are women who are not suited for caregiving, there are men who are amazing caregivers. A marriage would only complicate the individual factors. Was it an otherwise good marriage or was it rocky, anyway...?
I think everyone has to decide for themselves what they can provide, for their spouse, in the way of years of hands on caregiving.
I have not had an easy life, and I learned many things too late but now I am much wiser. There are several issues one needs to think about. First of all, is the condition of the patient causing a great deal of negativity for you, your family, your lifestyle, etc. Are they mean, abusive, impossible to handle with all of the related problems? How are you holding up? Do you want to take care of them or are you so stressed out you can't take it any longer? What are the financial situations? You must face something - you may love the patient but they are not and never again will be what you once loved - they are, in essence, gone. No one can make these decisions for you. But, I offer this advice. If the care is doing you great harm physically, mentally, emotionally - then it will eventually destroy YOU and in order for this not to happen, you must consider putting them somewhere so you can lead a normal life. You should not feel guilt because YOU want to live, and you deserve to live. Get help from agencies and the professionals who have experience in these matters and get all the information you can gather. Then make your decision and don't let others influence you - you are trying to save your life while you still have it. Don't allow anyone to destroy you. At this point, you come first. You are not doing anything wrong.
It's most unpleasant (putting it mildly) to be tossed to the curb when you no longer serve your spouse's needs and when you, yourself aren't even ill and you have a 3 year old child. You soon become ill as you have no idea what you and your 3 year old will do. The individual I speak of is Llamalover47.
Demstress, while it's extremely difficult for one to care for an ill spouse, i think it would be better to place the person in a nursing home.
Divorcing might make them free, but they might feel guilty leaving an ill person like that. Putting spouse in a nursing home though, would benefit both of them.
A lot of answers here were based off of the OP question. There was no personal information provided with the question, just a question. A lot of responses came where people shared their own journey. Some responses were based of of the question itself and directed at no one in particular. However, it seems that those who do not agree with another's opinion is deemed judgmental. When in fact it was a matter of what would you do in this case, sort of thing. This forum is about sharing of ideas and each ones journey if they want to share. Everyone does not have to agree. But it always seems if someone gives their own opinion and the majority do not like it, then they get attacked and are told not to judge, when in fact no judgement has been placed except by those who oppose someones opinion. One may think it is okay to leave a loved one if they change or become different and that person has their right to believe that and act upon it. And one may believe under no circumstance is it ok to do such a thing, and they have a right to believe that. But no one has judged anyone here and should not be accused of such because they state their views on the subject.matter.
Very true Smeshque. The beauty of this space is that we all can share our honest opinions and also receive honest opinions. I’m convinced that we can get help and enlightenment from all answers. Opinions are opinions, not judgement.
I understand your concerns and feelings, and certainly exploring options. Divorce may be an extreme solution, but certainly exploring alternate living arrangements can make sense when your spouse no longer is "who he was". This is the challenge of living with someone with dementia. Finances need to be addressed, as do family relationships, but your needs also must be addressed and these issues need to be addressed respectfully and compassionately on all fronts. As caregivers we learn to care for those we love, often at our own emotional, mental and physical expense. Focus on what your desired outcome is... what is it you really need and are looking for... Seek counseling and guidance around caring for your needs so that you can better address the best possible decision for the ongoing care of your spouse. You can get some added support from WellSpouseAssociation, as well as through Alzheimer's Organization so that you do not have to go through this very challenging life situation alone. Remember to take as good care of yourself as you do of your spouse... you matter.
LOL I care for a partner with dementia, 1 word that most will not be brave enough to speak aloud, but I will. MONEY!
Many wives/partners are not financially able to suddenly be on their own.
Also, in my case, legal documentation stating that he wishes to stay home till the very end, and I will do my best to honor that. But I hope its hospice dealing with him at the end and not me, I will be on the other side of the house.
So true. Can the wish to be kept at home till the end be valid once that person cognitive capability no longer exists. Surely you can’t be made to honour that. It’s absurd.
I don’t want to answer this question lightly, because we all know how challenging and lonely the life of a caregiver can be. I’m putting aside the commitment a married couple has towards one another, “..for better or for worse, in health and in sickness..”, putting aside too religion, moral, expectations from society (which are the least important); putting aside everything, I’m left with one single question:
How could a person that truly loves his or her spouse, who has lived with this person for a number of years, who has built a life with this person, who -before the illness- couldn’t conceive life without him or her...How can a person want to leave his/her partner behind to continue life being set free?
And can you really feel free and at peace if you choose this path?
There is no judgement hidden or implied in my question, the question comes simply from my true inability to understand how can a person leave behind someone they love. I know I could never do it, not even if I tried. The only answer I can find is that there is no love, rather, there was never love.
FYI - many places it is illegal to divorce someone with advanced dementia as they can't make proper addresses to the situation etc - however you can place them in a facility when you can't take it anymore or you can separate but be careful on how you split things up financially
I did some searching and so far I can't find one single US state in which it's illegal to divorce someone with dementia. All seem to have provisions that require the person with dementia be represented well and most will require continued spousal support for the abandoned spouse however I can't find any state that don't allow it. Am I missing something?
I work for a very large law firm. Yes, this is done. It is very expensive, not a quick fix to your issue, and fraught with emotion. Make CERTAIN , should you pursue, you have an attorney who has done and knows what they are doing.
I cannot emphasize how expensive. The court will require many things.
I believe that a person must try all avenues before divorce, especially divorcing a sick person. Kicking someone to the curb because that person no longer serves your purpose is pretty cruel. That being said, if you really have exhausted all alternatives, perhaps it must be done.
I would like to add this comment: Several people have answered this post with "put all assets into a trust so that the government pays when the time comes." Do those of you who plan to go on government welfare despite having assets available understand that you are moving your burden onto our shoulders? This is not moral or ethical. Welfare is meant to be a safety net for those who cannot get help any other way. When you take advantage of the system, you are shorting those truly in need. You also burden young families, people trying to put their kids through college, and other seniors who have their own burdens. Please have some integrity despite your difficulties.
That's an interesting question. Pops doesn't have Alzheimer's but his TBI, PBA, Epilepsy and Severe Cognitive impairment have, at times, pushed me to the brink. When he became violent on the regular divorce was on the table. Thankfully we've managed to find the right combination of medications to make caring for him simpler, stop the violence, and even have fun. In all the years I've been caring for him my impression is that society only allows me a couple of choices that are considered socially acceptable. Few people I speak with will admit to the truth of this out loud, but those of us who chose another path have felt the burn of a societal norm ignored. 1.) The society I know silently demands that I be the sainted, long-suffering, sacrificially loving wife. Tenderly brushing aside any abuse he heaps on me, sacrificing every moment of my life and health on the alter of "death do us part". Every moment of every day I live is to be spent patiently ministering to his every need 24/7 till one of us is dead. I am to be happy, oh so happy that I am honored by this chance to prove my undying love. Anytime I feel a negative emotion I am to remember how much harder he has it and should immediately feel shamed and guilty. 2.) This society I know will begrudgingly allow me to be the tragically weak but well-intentioned wife. The one who has tried and desperately desires to be the sainted wife above, but is weak and simply can't physically, emotionally and/or psychologically handle it. I can carefully select a care home to place my spouse in. Visit him every day, and by doing so, I win a bit of my freedom while avoiding "the shame". There will still be whispers, shaking of heads and a tsk tsk here and there. Society will, however, eventually forgive me my weakness. After an appropriate amount of time I can even divorce him and move on with my life. It being "understandable" since I'm not a strong woman and "so young" and did "all I could" for him.
To do anything else is to set oneself up to be smacked with the "Selfish, Disloyal, Traitor" label. Yes, many women and men consider divorcing and leaving their cognitively impaired or severely disabled spouse at one time or another. I know, because many of them have told me so, in secret. Few of them will admit so out loud.
What keeps me motivated to stay and care for pops is the choice I have made to live my own life while also caring for him. Society may hate me for "breaking all the rules", but it's working well for us and we're having as much fun as possible with the life we have been dealt. He is happy, I am happy. If it ever comes to a point that I can no longer make his life better by being in it. Then I will walk away and leave his care to others better able to do it. In the mean time I will keep breaking the rules and calling out those in my circle who try to shame me with impossible standards.
I understand how frustrating and overwhelming it can get. We had been married for 45 years. My husband was the most loving, gentle, funny, selfless, and considerate man I've known. He was sick for 7 years, the last two were really bad. At first I would get angry, thinking he was purposely acting "stupid." But then I realized that the liver disease was affecting his brain and he couldn't help it. I had always deeply loved my husband, and now I was beginning to love him in a deeper, never before known "level." I feel ashamed now for getting frustrated and angry with him. I would never have abandoned my husband. Never having children, I didn't know I had it in me to tend to him as I did...but the love took over and I didn't mind. It was the hardest thing for me to see him suffer so much. I'm so thankful God gave me the grace to be the wife I promised to be when we said our vows. I feel so blessed to have shared my life with this man to his very end. Please know that when they have a disease, they are not in their normal state of mind. They don't mean what they say or do. It may hurt, but don't take it personally. Just continue to love them. It was such an honor to give my all to my husband of 45 years. He's at peace now, no more suffering...but I'm at peace, too, knowing I loved him with all my heart and that I did my best.
I have two different stories to tell. I had one neighbor years ago whose wife had Alzheimer's and was in the nursing home. He decided he needed companionship and found a girlfriend. I think she lived in the same nursing home as his wife. Another neighbor had a wife with Alzheimer's and kept her home as long as he could until he had a stroke and their kids talked him into putting her in the nursing home. He was devoted to her and loved her so much. I had the privilege of helping him out with her so he could get out and run errands or play golf. He had difficulty with her as many people caring for Alzheimer's patients do but he dealt with it. They were lucky to have all five of their kids involved. He was such a good husband and a good friend and neighbor.
Why divorce when you can relieve the burden of care by using a facility? I'm not talking about somebody who has been an a**hole all their life, in that case I would wonder why you've stuck it out so long.
No, of course not. Why would they think divorce when, after all, the ill one could be them. How would they like to hear from their spouse "I'm done with you because you got Alzheimer's?" Good grief.
Having cared for aging relatives in one capacity or another since childhood, I know what it takes from us and I know what it gives to us. If my husband was not already cognitively impaired and I were diagnosed with Alzheimer's I would have divorced him right away. We actually talked about that before we married and many times afterwards when his father was dying of Parkinsons and when his mother was dying of colon cancer etc. He was open to me caring for him as long as I didn't "lose myself in it" like his mother did, he didn't want me to "lose the sparkle in my eyes". I let him know that I did NOT want him to care for me should I have a terminal illness or some type of Dementia. We had helped care for both of his parents and he was not suited to care-giving. I loved him too much to put him through it. My desire was that he put me in a care home, open himself to the possibility of falling in love again, and, hopefully find a loving woman to help him raise our kids. I WANT to be placed in a care home if I should become unable to care for myself. I don't want to burden my family with that kind of care-giving. As it is, Pops is the first to cross into the impaired zone. If am ever diagnosed with any type of cognitive impairment I will make sure Pops is placed in a care home while I can still get that done. I will then start looking for a place for me as well. I want my adult kids to be free. I have expressed to my kids what my wishes are. They can choose to follow those wishes or not. At that point I won't likely care.
I should think that the only reason for divorcing would be any financial implications. After all, didn't we say "in sickness and in health"? And with dementia, it isn't as if they can control their behavior.
My MIL divorced my FIL when she found out he had chronic lymphocitic leukemia.
Nasty, nasty divorce. He was sick and simply rolled over and gave her everything. thus losing the respect of her children by being so small and petty, for example, she "let " him have an old folding table and 2 chairs. Not 4, like the set came with, just 2. NO family photos. No dishes. No towels, but the raggedy ones you'd use for cleaning.
He lived another 15 years, which was amazing, really. She then inherited his entire pension, rather than the half she had been alloted.
Although she promised us she'd be a part of his " care team" when he needed it, she never even knew where he lived after the divorce.
IMHO, the divorce should have happened 40 years earlier. She made his life a living hell.
I don't think you should stay chained to someone who is mean, nasty and horrid to live with, why? Where's the joy? The love? MIL was/is incapable of loving, and blamed my poor FIL for every single day of "misery" she endured.
Sure has had the outcome of making the kids' marriages difficult...no example of how to "love"....
Dad never had any dementia, sadly, he felt all this pain and rejection all alone. He DESERVED to be with a loving, caring woman, and felt he couldn't remarry b/c he wouldn't put some poor woman through goodness knows what kind of care. (He put ME through it, and honestly? It was a privilege to care for him.)
I've heard you cannot divorce a person who is terminally ill. The courts won't allow it. I can be wrong - but I believe you would have trouble divorcing someone with Alzheimer's or any other terminal illness.
Ive been with my spouse 28 years..he has bone cancer...i feel my life is passing me by and im not ready to just sit around like i have for the last 10 years. So why shouldn't I live.my last few years with happiness...the longer I just sit here my health will get worse ..I want to.live and be happy...so i am Deciding on leaving my spouse who doesn't care only about his needs....
The way Jfbctc discribes his circumstance is a divorce legally but not a divorce of the heart. He and his wife would still love and support each other but would protect what they have worked hard to build.
Hi Joann29, I would not describe our circumstances as divorcing, because we linked ourselves as a team and as one from the time we were engaged until this very day. We've never had a fight, started saving for kids college while we were engaged, and have always spoken with one voice. We've had an unbreakable bond of complete trust, looking out for each other, as one self. We have practiced our life long Catholic faith from the time we started dating. The idea was mine to put the Living Trust in my DW name and sign over all the property to her. We've never second thought this plan, we know we've done the right thing for each other's sake. I am a blessed guy to have my DW.
Every other day, I consider divorce. No more dribbling urine to contend with, no rages, no TV turned up to 28 from my level of 15! Sounds nice.
It's good to realize, deep down, that divorce exists. Other answers here discuss practical matters such as finances, but I consider my internal state important, too.
Spouse has never been a sweetheart of a guy to others or to me or our son or his daughter by his first marriage. He is good but not nice. My grandma used to ask, "Do you want a street devil and a house angel, or vice versa?" meaning, "Is he nice to you in front of others but belittle you when you're alone, or does he rag on you in front of others but treat you well when it's just you and him?" She didn't say what to wish when the treatments merge into one nasty blob fifty percent of the time.
Dear demstress, I am writing from the unusual perspective of the patient. Three years ago I was diagnosed with Early onset ALZ at the age of 56. My DW and I had just begun the process of putting together a futures Estate Plan which we did. We have two sons in college and a 12yr old daughter that has special needs. The Estate Attorney brought up the possibility of divorcing to help shelter the estate in a Trust for my DW. She mentioned that was what her parents had to do, for all the unknown reasons, ie. how long does the patient have to live. Answer who knows. We decided not to go the route of divorce, and play the chances of moving all the property out of my name and in to a Living Trust for my DW, and getting beyond the look back period of 5 yrs, hoping I won't have to be committed to MC before the clock runs out. We do have some funding for my care that was left in my name, but once that runs out she'll not have to worry about surrendering all we've spent the last 25 yrs. building. My focus, is getting beyond the next 2.5 yrs so my DW is financially safe. Needless to say, I adore her. Now I spend all my time doing what I can around the house, a few errands, I can do each day, and enjoy the time we still have enjoying each others company. My DW has told me she understands, and will honor my wishes. I am a very lucky guy.
I ask myself that sometimes my guilt because I believe in loving kindness sometimes money because good care is very expensive sometimes because I do not want to disappoint my children
Anonymous 44 I agree, what happens to our wedding vows. Sometimes, I think what if it was the other way around. I am caring, for my 91 old husband. I was close to retire from work. I left few years earlier. When my husband's memory started declining, he has Lewy Body Dementia. Is very challenging.
Oh, it also might not be possible to divorce, like others said, but I will put it in my own personal context:
My late boyfriend back when I was 24 and 25, he wanted me to get a marriage license. But I was told by a medical staff it would be invalid. At the time, he was deemed terminal and was part of hospice ( but for most part I was stuck alone caring for him until he finally chose nursing home ). Maybe not on hospice yet, I forget. I remember he might have, at that point, been on strong meds. He had very bad cancer, that required removing larynx, and refused to get artificial voice box. But I am glad we never married. He was abusive, and worse when gotten to the point of bedridden, and would have inherited his major debt.
But it would always be on a case-by-case basis. People are individuals. There are women who are not suited for caregiving, there are men who are amazing caregivers. A marriage would only complicate the individual factors. Was it an otherwise good marriage or was it rocky, anyway...?
I think everyone has to decide for themselves what they can provide, for their spouse, in the way of years of hands on caregiving.
Divorcing might make them free, but they might feel guilty leaving an ill person like that. Putting spouse in a nursing home though, would benefit both of them.
A lot of responses came where people shared their own journey.
Some responses were based of of the question itself and directed at no one in particular.
However, it seems that those who do not agree with another's opinion is deemed judgmental.
When in fact it was a matter of what would you do in this case, sort of thing.
This forum is about sharing of ideas and each ones journey if they want to share. Everyone does not have to agree. But it always seems if someone gives their own opinion and the majority do not like it, then they get attacked and are told not to judge, when in fact no judgement has been placed except by those who oppose someones opinion.
One may think it is okay to leave a loved one if they change or become different and that person has their right to believe that and act upon it. And one may believe under no circumstance is it ok to do such a thing, and they have a right to believe that. But no one has judged anyone here and should not be accused of such because they state their views on the subject.matter.
Finances need to be addressed, as do family relationships, but your needs also must be addressed and these issues need to be addressed respectfully and compassionately on all fronts.
As caregivers we learn to care for those we love, often at our own emotional, mental and physical expense.
Focus on what your desired outcome is... what is it you really need and are looking for... Seek counseling and guidance around caring for your needs so that you can better address the best possible decision for the ongoing care of your spouse.
You can get some added support from WellSpouseAssociation, as well as through Alzheimer's Organization so that you do not have to go through this very challenging life situation alone.
Remember to take as good care of yourself as you do of your spouse... you matter.
Many wives/partners are not financially able to suddenly be on their own.
Also, in my case, legal documentation stating that he wishes to stay home till the very end, and I will do my best to honor that. But I hope its hospice dealing with him at the end and not me, I will be on the other side of the house.
How could a person that truly loves his or her spouse, who has lived with this person for a number of years, who has built a life with this person, who -before the illness- couldn’t conceive life without him or her...How can a person want to leave his/her partner behind to continue life being set free?
And can you really feel free and at peace if you choose this path?
There is no judgement hidden or implied in my question, the question comes simply from my true inability to understand how can a person leave behind someone they love. I know I could never do it, not even if I tried.
The only answer I can find is that there is no love, rather, there was never love.
I work for a very large law firm. Yes, this is done. It is very expensive, not a quick fix to your issue, and fraught with emotion. Make CERTAIN , should you pursue, you have an attorney who has done and knows what they are doing.
I cannot emphasize how expensive. The court will require many things.
If your person is incompetent....
I would like to add this comment: Several people have answered this post with "put all assets into a trust so that the government pays when the time comes." Do those of you who plan to go on government welfare despite having assets available understand that you are moving your burden onto our shoulders? This is not moral or ethical. Welfare is meant to be a safety net for those who cannot get help any other way. When you take advantage of the system, you are shorting those truly in need. You also burden young families, people trying to put their kids through college, and other seniors who have their own burdens. Please have some integrity despite your difficulties.
1.) The society I know silently demands that I be the sainted, long-suffering, sacrificially loving wife. Tenderly brushing aside any abuse he heaps on me, sacrificing every moment of my life and health on the alter of "death do us part". Every moment of every day I live is to be spent patiently ministering to his every need 24/7 till one of us is dead. I am to be happy, oh so happy that I am honored by this chance to prove my undying love. Anytime I feel a negative emotion I am to remember how much harder he has it and should immediately feel shamed and guilty.
2.) This society I know will begrudgingly allow me to be the tragically weak but well-intentioned wife. The one who has tried and desperately desires to be the sainted wife above, but is weak and simply can't physically, emotionally and/or psychologically handle it. I can carefully select a care home to place my spouse in. Visit him every day, and by doing so, I win a bit of my freedom while avoiding "the shame". There will still be whispers, shaking of heads and a tsk tsk here and there. Society will, however, eventually forgive me my weakness. After an appropriate amount of time I can even divorce him and move on with my life. It being "understandable" since I'm not a strong woman and "so young" and did "all I could" for him.
To do anything else is to set oneself up to be smacked with the "Selfish, Disloyal, Traitor" label. Yes, many women and men consider divorcing and leaving their cognitively impaired or severely disabled spouse at one time or another. I know, because many of them have told me so, in secret. Few of them will admit so out loud.
What keeps me motivated to stay and care for pops is the choice I have made to live my own life while also caring for him. Society may hate me for "breaking all the rules", but it's working well for us and we're having as much fun as possible with the life we have been dealt. He is happy, I am happy. If it ever comes to a point that I can no longer make his life better by being in it. Then I will walk away and leave his care to others better able to do it. In the mean time I will keep breaking the rules and calling out those in my circle who try to shame me with impossible standards.
We actually talked about that before we married and many times afterwards when his father was dying of Parkinsons and when his mother was dying of colon cancer etc. He was open to me caring for him as long as I didn't "lose myself in it" like his mother did, he didn't want me to "lose the sparkle in my eyes". I let him know that I did NOT want him to care for me should I have a terminal illness or some type of Dementia. We had helped care for both of his parents and he was not suited to care-giving. I loved him too much to put him through it. My desire was that he put me in a care home, open himself to the possibility of falling in love again, and, hopefully find a loving woman to help him raise our kids. I WANT to be placed in a care home if I should become unable to care for myself. I don't want to burden my family with that kind of care-giving.
As it is, Pops is the first to cross into the impaired zone. If am ever diagnosed with any type of cognitive impairment I will make sure Pops is placed in a care home while I can still get that done. I will then start looking for a place for me as well. I want my adult kids to be free. I have expressed to my kids what my wishes are. They can choose to follow those wishes or not. At that point I won't likely care.
Nasty, nasty divorce. He was sick and simply rolled over and gave her everything. thus losing the respect of her children by being so small and petty, for example, she "let " him have an old folding table and 2 chairs. Not 4, like the set came with, just 2. NO family photos. No dishes. No towels, but the raggedy ones you'd use for cleaning.
He lived another 15 years, which was amazing, really. She then inherited his entire pension, rather than the half she had been alloted.
Although she promised us she'd be a part of his " care team" when he needed it, she never even knew where he lived after the divorce.
IMHO, the divorce should have happened 40 years earlier. She made his life a living hell.
I don't think you should stay chained to someone who is mean, nasty and horrid to live with, why? Where's the joy? The love? MIL was/is incapable of loving, and blamed my poor FIL for every single day of "misery" she endured.
Sure has had the outcome of making the kids' marriages difficult...no example of how to "love"....
Dad never had any dementia, sadly, he felt all this pain and rejection all alone. He DESERVED to be with a loving, caring woman, and felt he couldn't remarry b/c he wouldn't put some poor woman through goodness knows what kind of care. (He put ME through it, and honestly? It was a privilege to care for him.)
I can be wrong - but I believe you would have trouble divorcing someone with Alzheimer's or any other terminal illness.
That said, no, I never thought of leaving my DH.
I would not describe our circumstances as divorcing, because we linked ourselves as a team and as one from the time we were engaged until this very day. We've never had a fight, started saving for kids college while we were engaged, and have always spoken with one voice. We've had an unbreakable bond of complete trust, looking out for each other, as one self. We have practiced our life long Catholic faith from the time we started dating. The idea was mine to put the Living Trust in my DW name and sign over all the property to her. We've never second thought this plan, we know we've done the right thing for each other's sake. I am a blessed guy to have my DW.
It's good to realize, deep down, that divorce exists. Other answers here discuss practical matters such as finances, but I consider my internal state important, too.
Spouse has never been a sweetheart of a guy to others or to me or our son or his daughter by his first marriage. He is good but not nice. My grandma used to ask, "Do you want a street devil and a house angel, or vice versa?" meaning, "Is he nice to you in front of others but belittle you when you're alone, or does he rag on you in front of others but treat you well when it's just you and him?" She didn't say what to wish when the treatments merge into one nasty blob fifty percent of the time.
I am writing from the unusual perspective of the patient. Three years ago I was diagnosed with Early onset ALZ at the age of 56. My DW and I had just begun the process of putting together a futures Estate Plan which we did. We have two sons in college and a 12yr old daughter that has special needs. The Estate Attorney brought up the possibility of divorcing to help shelter the estate in a Trust for my DW. She mentioned that was what her parents had to do, for all the unknown reasons, ie. how long does the patient have to live. Answer who knows. We decided not to go the route of divorce, and play the chances of moving all the property out of my name and in to a Living Trust for my DW, and getting beyond the look back period of 5 yrs, hoping I won't have to be committed to MC before the clock runs out. We do have some funding for my care that was left in my name, but once that runs out she'll not have to worry about surrendering all we've spent the last 25 yrs. building.
My focus, is getting beyond the next 2.5 yrs so my DW is financially safe. Needless to say, I adore her. Now I spend all my time doing what I can around the house, a few errands, I can do each day, and enjoy the time we still have enjoying each others company. My DW has told me she understands, and will honor my wishes. I am a very lucky guy.
sometimes my guilt because I believe in loving kindness
sometimes money because good care is very expensive
sometimes because I do not want to disappoint my children
I agree, what happens to our wedding vows. Sometimes, I think what if it was the other way around. I am caring, for my 91 old husband. I was close to retire from work. I left few years earlier. When my husband's memory started declining, he has Lewy Body Dementia. Is very challenging.
Perhaps you can place your husband in memory care now?? Then divorce might not be necessary? See what's best for your financial future.
If he had behavioral issues before Alzheimer's, then I imagine it's only going to get worse.
Let us know how it goes!!
My late boyfriend back when I was 24 and 25, he wanted me to get a marriage license. But I was told by a medical staff it would be invalid. At the time, he was deemed terminal and was part of hospice ( but for most part I was stuck alone caring for him until he finally chose nursing home ). Maybe not on hospice yet, I forget. I remember he might have, at that point, been on strong meds. He had very bad cancer, that required removing larynx, and refused to get artificial voice box. But I am glad we never married. He was abusive, and worse when gotten to the point of bedridden, and would have inherited his major debt.