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What started as a fall with a broken femur has now turned into my 88 year old father in ICU. He has had heart issues, stroke, broken hip. Recently some short term memory loss and mobility issues. Nothing we haven't been able to work around. 11 days ago he fell and broke his femur. After surgery his health has declined. He now is in ICU and is on a vent to breath, high doses of heart medication for blood pressure. He has flatlined 3 times and has had a seizure, one lung is collapsed and ribs broken from CPR. Today, he is stable but no responses. He is still on quite a bit of sedation. I have been his go to person for everything. He still lives alone by his choice but I am very close by. I'm having a very hard time with what comes next. What now? Have we done everything we can to save him? Is this really what he wants? Am I just wishful thinking out of my own selfishness because I don't want to lose him? I'm missing the many phone calls throughout the day. I'm feeling guilty when I'm not there and when I'm there I'm feeling guilty for not taking care of things at home. It's all so confusing.

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You are (sadly) describing the beginning of the end of life for many people.

One fall often leads to another. Other health issues crop up. His broken ribs are due to CPR and he's probably in a great deal of pain. Hence the pain meds.

He's not going to be able to live alone anymore. You know that, don't you? Take a minute and take some deep breaths and wrap your brain around what is the 'new normal'.

Sounds like dad did not have a DNR or he would not have had the CPR, the vent, etc.

I'm sorry for what you are feeling and going through. See if there is a SW or chaplain or someone in the hospital you can talk to.

You have nothing to feel guilty ABOUT. You didn't hurt him, he got old. we're all doing that. I'm sorry (for you) that he didn't spell out his EOL desires so you wouldn't have this on your shoulders.

Good Luck.
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Is your dad conscious? Able to communicate? Lucid? Are you his medical PoA? I'm so sorry for this distressing and sudden turn of events. What you are feeling is grief, not guilt, since you are doing nothing wrong. Clearly your father's chances of "recovery" are not good. Even if he did have a recovery, what (in reality) would that look like for him and you? Most likely a long stint in rehab and then maybe never making it out of LTC, especially because you still have an immediate family (and paying job?) that is a priority. If you have the authority to make decisions in your father's best interests (and what he would want) please do so and then do not second guess the decision. There is no "wrong" answer here, but there is 1 unknown outcome (continue medical interventions to prolong his life) or seek hospice for him (a known outcome except for the timeline). May you have much support, receive great wisdom and allow peace in your heart as this unfolds.
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I hope at this point that you have hospice involved. They can help walk you through the "what nows" and everything else. I can only guess that with all the issues your father has going on right now, that he wouldn't want to live that way, nor burden you with it either.
Losing someone you love is never easy and we're never prepared for it, but sometimes we just have to know when enough is enough, and let our loved ones go and be at peace.
I'm sorry you're having to go through all this right now. I pray that you will feel Gods presence with you every day.
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Has he been evaluated for hospice? What do you think he would want for himself?
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