For the past five years Mom and Dad faced dementia and other illnesses. Mom passed about two years ago. Dad is home alone with dementia. There is disagreement about his care needs and communication. Siblings refuse to meet to discuss situation which mostly includes cryptic notes and a fair amount of sarcasm. How can we get through this without a total family break up? Thoughts?

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The only way I can see to get "through this without a total family break up" is to have your dad placed in a memory care facility, where he will receive the 24/7 care he now requires and you all can just get back to being his loving children and advocates and not his disagreeing and sarcastic caregivers.
If your dad was in his right mind he certainly would NOT want his children arguing over his care and because of him.
It's just not worth it...really it's not.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to funkygrandma59
ParentHelperNow Jun 17, 2024
Thank you. I agree with this advice. I hope my siblings will come to agree in time.
To avoid a total family break up, the family needs to stop sharing the care of your father, and place him in a memory care facility, or, hire a caregiver to come to his home.
You say it will take all of Dad's finances, but that is fine. Just as he has to pay now for housing, utilities and food, a memory care center will provide his housing, utilities and food.
But the family disagreements are not going to end there.
Once Dad is moved out of his home, or he passes, the family will be left with the task of distributing his assets; what will happen with his home, his belongings, his bank accounts? That often brings family members to angry fights.
The POA needs to step up and take charge, whether anyone agrees with them or not.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
BurntCaregiver Jun 26, 2024

They won't have to worry about distributing the father's assets if they place him and he passes away. The memory care will make sure they rob every cent (and legally allowed) so there will be nothing to distribute among heirs.
Family breakups do happen over caregiving. It looks like it’s broken already . There are so many similar threads to this one where the POA sits back and one other sibling is acting responsibly about trying to keep a parent safe and cared for .

Your father most likely needs 24/7 supervision. And can not be ( live ) alone any longer .
Call Dads local Area of Aging . They will
send a social worker out to talk to Dad. This is what I did to prove to my siblings that my mother wasn’t safe home alone any longer . The social worker will do a care needs assessment .

The social worker asked my mother a bunch of questions, like what to do in emergencies etc . The social worker determined that Mom could not “ come up a plan “ for any of the hypothetical situations the social worker proposed . My mother’s needs were that she needed 24/7 supervision.

Hopefully this will open up your siblings eyes. Good Luck .
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Reply to waytomisery
ParentHelperNow Jun 17, 2024
Thank you. I will look into this.
Family may come to agree if you stop taking so
much responsibility. Step back, refuse to take on the lion’s share of work as you’ve been doing, and see what happens.
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Reply to Fawnby

Your Father should be the center of a good Care Plan. Not in the centre of family squabbles.. yet it happens. A lot.

Siblings can be very different personality types! May be brought up by the same parents but still gain different values. Have different life experiences that shape them. Certainly have different financial means & other obligations in their life to balance.

Some louder & shouty about stuff, some quietly resentful. Some doing hands-on practical help, some better at emotional support.

Sometimes a 'bossy boots' springs up - with a roster in hand demanding duty & assigning everyone without concent..

Sometimes battlelines get drawn up & sides chosen. Between the Keep Mom or Dad at home until the end vs It's time for 24/7 supported Care.
ie Home vs Care Home

Getting a Social Worker involved FOR DAD may help. Not to decide what to do, but to spell it all out in a more factual way (also less reactive way). I personally found this very useful. To better understood others' viewpoints but mostly to learn better ways to communicate.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Beatty

Thank you for all the thoughtful messages. The feedback is really helping me think about this in new ways. I appreciate.
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Reply to ParentHelperNow
Anxietynacy Jun 18, 2024
Hi parenthelper, I'm surprised I missed this question, sence I am going through something very similar.

My main thought is with my family is my mom is causing the issue between siblings to keep us separated. She doesn't want us talking.

She fell last year, made my brother promise to not tell anyone. Then calls me says her ribs hurt, and ask me to bring her to doctors. I had no clue about the fall. That was 2 years ago

This year she hurts her back bad, says she didn't fall. X-rays doctors all that. Sister that I don't talk to goes to moms, and she tells her about a bump on her leg. Never told me, told me she didn't fall. Now 6 months later I'm learning about a bad bump on her leg at the same time as her back issues

Mom is literally causing all are issues so we don't communicate.
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A person with dementia should not live alone and the person who has POA has the responsibility of making sure your Dad is safe & well cared for.

Time to step aside and let that person do his job or file for guardianship. Listen to everyone here. I wish I had found this site years ago…… family is beyond repair at this point.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Jada824

When I noticed changes in my father, I took him immediately to a neurologist. He diagnosed him with Alzheimer’s. He lived with his third wife until the weekend one of my sisters couldn’t make it out to their house to fill the pill box and didn’t arrange for someone else to took about three days before I got a call he was in the hospital. From then on, we had a meeting every month to talk about Dad’s care. There are five of us and I really enjoyed seeing them every month. Sometimes someone couldn’t come but we still met and sometimes we used FaceTime or zoom. That is the most often I got to see my siblings since I moved out of the family home to be on my own.
it was a big help for us all. And I think my Dad got better care because we were all on it. There were disagreements, but as the medical person in the family, and the POA, I pulled the trump card a few times. But I tried to listen and be generous and kind and build consensus whenever there were disagreements.
Good luck to you
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Debbiehr15

I think this is pretty common... IMO, to avoid this, Advance Directives (Which is an umbrella term), are important. There are also AD for Dementia. These are legal documents.
I hope you and your family can walk through this experience together. It is one of commitment and values and honor. You are doing a wonderful thing for your dad. All dad knows is where he is now.
Anyways, always look to the future and use this as experience; for your children or loved ones should be in dad's position.
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Reply to Mariegivesacare

Someone needs to have DPOA. They make final decisions. Sit together in a group and give everyone a chance to voice their opinion but DPOA needs to keep your dad’s best interest at heart. Not safe to live alone with dementia. It’s isolation and dangerous. Identify everyone’s strengths and utilize where needed. Opinions without action are just unhelpful to your dad.
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Reply to Bodyphysics

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