Since then, Mom has fallen twice seriously...the last time two years ago and needing a total shoulder replacement at age 92. Since then, multiple UTIs, coming closer and closer together. She has been on various antibiotics which sometimes cause explosive diarrhea. When she has a UTI she gets very hostile and aggressive and accuses me and her aids of everything horrible. She has very advanced arthritis as well with bouts og painful Gout.
We have had hired help for her which at first was covered by her long term insurance. However that has a monthly cap and we have surpassed that and we had to deplete my mother's savings by about $50,000! There are only about 7 months left of that.
So now she has little savings left...but still too much to be on Medicaid or qualify for VA aid. We got a reverse mortgage to help keep her at home but now if we sell will not get anything much from that.
I have transformed my dining room at home into a bedroom and had a builder adapt the nearby bathroom for her shower chair with every intention of having her here.
However as the time nears when we need to move her out of the condo and sell it, I am realizing that I will not be able to handle all of her needs. At age 67 and hubby at age 72, we're hardly able to help her out of chairs and cannot prevent a fall if she loses her balance. Her aids tell me she needs 24 hour supervision. She is incontinent as well.
When I mentioned the possibility of assisted living, Mom freaked out. She wept for two days, called her aids all kinds of names refused to look at me and told everyone she knew that her family was throwing her out on the street and that I no longer wanted her. she said I broke my promise and she is seeing my true colors now. That really hurt!
All this in spite of my care for her needs in the last ten years. I cook for her, shop, cover all physical needs and juggle nurses schedules and doctors appointments. We bring her dinner each Sunday...call her at least twice a day and I usually see her during the week at least once. I am also needed to help with my daughter and her two very young children. Mom gets angry about my helping them...saying I need to rest more! It is so exhausting.
I am heartbroken about this and wish we had the money to cover at least 12 hours a day care in our home. But we do not have that money.
I am thinking of asking her doctor to let her know she needs more care than I can provide her at our home.
There is one sister who lives out of town and refuses to help. We hardly even see her more than once every two years for a few days when she expects to be entertained.
So any advice from anyone with similar problems? How do we get our elderly and stubborn parents to see the need for assisted living. How do we get them to realize the toll it is taking on their adult children? This is so very hard for both my mother and us.